October 31, 2004
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Suicide
Lately I have been contemplating suicide. No not commiting it, the idea
of it. The nature of those who commit it and why and how they come to
do such things. I am thinking about this lately because my mind has
recently been turned to the case of a guy who died less than half a
year ago. I didn’t know him personally. I’d never even conversed with
him online or in person. Indeed all I knew of him was that he wrote a
story so extroardinary that I have never yet found the words to
describe it to anyone. And he posted this story online in segments
where I was priveleged enough to be one of the few who got a chance to
read it. The story overall inspired in me a deep sense of awe, and even
though I only read most sections once there are scenes that I can
honestly say I’ll never forget. I shared this story to some
people I know by pointed them to it in an email but I never really
talked about it. Words just didn’t seem to do it justice.Now I know that this writer with so much talent and a future I was sure
was destined for greatness commited suicide. He died just like anyone
else dies and of his own volition. I can’t understand it! It drives me
nutts! There is no other mystery that I would rather solve than that of
the question of why genius should choose to die. It is so antithetical
to my world view that everytime I think about it I am forced to wonder
if all that I had ever believed was false and flawed and foolishly
naive in the face of the realities of what makes people make decisions.However… I don’t believe in the things that people normally say about
suicide. I don’t agree with the idea that it is completely senseless
and irrational and that nobody will ever understand it. I would never
want anyone to say that of me if I were to choose to die. I wouldn’t
want people to say that I was just being emotional and irrational. I
have no idea what could possibly motivate me to commit suicide and I
strongly suspect it is a strict impossibility but I know that if I did
make that decision I’d either want people to work toward understanding
my actions or if not to at least acknowledge that maybe I was thinking
rationally even if you yourself cannot understand it.And to be sure I don’t understand any suicide I’ve ever heard of. I
don’t understand it when I see it in films or read about it in stories.
It does seem wholly irrational to me. But I’ve got to believe that the
world is not wholly irrational and that it doesn’t just throw away
extroardinary potential just on a whim or for foolish reasons. I think
that there is a story in each case. One that is worth understanding and
that will make us all better people if we can really come to grasp it.Thinking about this case has lead me to one small conclusion about the
kinds of people who commit suicide. Before in my confusion I would
assume that those who commit suicide must be somehow detached from
life, feel removed and disconnected and not really there. I used
to assume that to embrace an unreality you must feel that there really
isn’t much different between your reality and that unreality.Now I really don’t think so. In fact I think it is probably just the
opposite. A person can’t really despair if they don’t believe that the
things that would make them despair are real or matter. It seems then
likely that the people who are likely to commit suicide are those with
the deepest connections to life. They might not be the normal ties that
most people have to things they care about. They may seem weird and
erratic to the external mind, but I wonder if they aren’t stronger and
more deeply meaningful to the person than the ties the rest of us form
that bind us.That’s romantic nonsense of course. But the idea of the fully detached
suicide is equally oversimplified. There is no easy way to understand
the minds of others. Only hard work and deep analysis will yield to
real comprehension. It is analysis that must take place. We just can’t
afford to keep losing genius.
Comments (3)
i’m curious to know where i can read this online post of this fellow you refer to.
-arima
Unfortunately his words were removed from the web after he left us. http://unknownhero.com/ was the original site. They are working on a foundation for him in order to raise money for those hurt by suicides and eventually to get the works published, but sadly for now it just isn’t easy to get a hold of it.
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