August 21, 2005
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I fear the shape of things to come…
I am not an ambitious being. Or if I am, then my ambitions so far
outstretch the realms of possibility that I am defacto not-ambitious. I
don’t yearn for the things others yearn for. I don’t strive for the
things others struggle to achieve.It all boils down to competition. What is the thrill of victory? What
is the agony of defeat? Why strive for those extremes? I can see what
pleasure can be had in strategizing. In planning. I understand those
who seek to find the answer to the puzzle, to setup the circumstances
whereby one might win what is just another game. Why though in the
final analysis? To see it through? To know your triumph? At the expense
of all others..Games ever grow tedious in the end. And I’ve long since forgotten how
to take joy in inflicting defeat or stealing victory from another. I
see no reason to prove that I am better than any other living being.
Yet competition depends on that urge and none other. And we order a
society bound by that competitive spirit and accept that all who live
within will live a tumultuous life of repetitive victories and
continuous defeats. All save the very unlucky who will see only defeat.Why? Why battle when you will know only an endless cycle of great pain
and great pleasure until the dark veil closes over your experiences?But perhaps the same could be said of all experiences good or bad. They
simply continue onwards and onwards til the dusk of our destruction.
But we could perhaps strive to be less successful and more *content*.
In that we would strive not for glorious joy and simply avoid the
tendrils of agony. To accept things as they are and be… not happy…
but satisfied in the shape of things that are.I am not there either. Never content. Anything but. I don’t seek
victory over others. I care not to prove that I am better or greater or
more than any other. Nor do I take my solace in the darkness of agony
and despair. I do not understand either desire. I can perceive
and understand the nature of those who seek and find contentment but
always in there, there is also a price paid. Usually it is bitterly
paid and hauntingly suffered in dreams in the small hours of the night,
the feeling of incompleteness, knowledge that you settled, accepted,
and will be nothing more. Those are the way of dreamers lost.I fear the shape of those choices. The choosing to strive and the
choosing to settle. Both will come to pass in the fullness of time.
They always do… And neither will bring true peace.
