Christmas Guilt….

I’ve heard many people express this idea of Christmas Guilt and ways to avoid it. The basic idea is that when someone gives you a very nice gift you feel guilty if you give them a less nice gift or nothing of all. But since not everyone has the same economic situation it is almost inevitable that this scenario will occur given simple random gift giving. Thus to forestall this guilt, people develop clever systems such as the following: 

A. no presents over X dollars in value,
B. people choose names and only get a gift for the name you chose
C. a pact to not get anyone a gift, or not get anyone but the young children gifts
D. alternate gifts, i.e. give gifts to half the people one year and half the people the next or some such
E. anonymous gift giving – so that no one knows who got who what (this requires extra generic gifts be provided so that no one ends up with nothing)

These are all very intriguing systems and if I were a person interested in the phenomenon I might be able to come up with a number of other more involved systems that could be more or less fair. It is an interesting mental exercise actually…

However, I am a strange individual who has for as long as he has lived never felt even the slightest tinyinst incling of this kind of christmas guilt. I don’t even really understand it. If someone were to give me a very expensive gift I would still feel zero obligation to get them a gift in return. IF someone were to give me nothing, but I had decided to spend hundreds or thousands of dollars and/or hours of my time on their gift I would not be in the least bit upset. Indeed, to me the very idea of christmas guilt invalidates the very concept of gift giving. A gift is something given without strings attached without expectation of recompensation. You give someone a gift because you want them to have it not because you are hoping to get something equally nice in return. If you give people gifts worrying that they might get you something better and hoping they get you something just as nice aren’t you being just a wee bit selfish? That kind of attitude turns gift giving into less of a act of charity and much more into a kind of commercial trade that occurs specifically during the holiday season.  I suppose that’s why we call it an ‘exchange’ of gifts but the idea somewhat sickens me.

But there is a kind of christmas guilt I have felt. It is different but related to the above and it plagues me every year. My concept of christmas guilt is that which I feel when I give certain people gifts but not others. It bothers me immensely though I know it shouldn’t. If two people mean the same to me, I hate it if I can come up with a very cool gift for one but can only give the other a lame card or gift certificate or nothing at all. Whenever I give a gift I want it to be meaningful and significant, something that matters both to me and to the person receiving the gift and has a significant link to shared experiences we two have had. Or if not that then at least I want to provide something helpful. Something that will make the person’s life easier or better or provide some wisdom that enhances their understanding of life.  If I can’t come up with such a gift I’d rather give nothing at all. I don’t believe that gifts should be tied to specific events, moments in time, or anything of the like. If I feel an urge to get someone a meaningful gift I will do so whether it christmas or the middle of May, but the natural nature of the holiday season is such that it gets people thinking about gifts so I am more likely to come up with a meaningful gift during that time of the year. And then when I’ve found five meaningful gifts for five people that matter to me, it annoys me to no end when I can’t come up with one for the sixth person. I know it shouldn’t but it does. It has nothing to do with whether that sixth person got me anything. I generally don’t mind if no one were ever to grant me anything in the way of a gift. Indeed I believe that I should expect to receive nothing in this life. Everything I receive on this earth is a gift. Every moment. Every experience. I appreciate everything that happens to me. Even the things that continuously annoy me. It is better than the possibility of endless nothing…  But it still feels unfair to me. Why should five people receive something that they want and/or appreciate but not the sixth. Why is my mind so limited that I can’t grasp the sixth. I found five easily enough. Why not six? Have I not tried hard enough? Do I not know the person as well as I would like? Did I not have the resources? Did I give up too soon? And what about persons seven, eight, and nine? Don’t they matter too? Don’t they deserve something as well? It doesn’t matter whether they want something or not. It’s a matte of fairness. Why should anyone ever have to be left out?

Anyways when I can’t come up with something meaningful I rely on my principles to say that there is nothing fundamental to the nature of a holiday that says that gifts must be given and received then. And a more meaningful gift given on a random day is superior to a hundred meaningless gifts given periodically for every holiday and event. I would gladly be seen as the selfish guy who never gives anyone anything most of the time if it meant that in the end I can give the people that matter things that really matter. But it rankles me that some should have to wait when others are rewarded sooner. It shouldn’t but for now I am such a person that it does. A pity.