July 12, 2007
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funny stories
Have you ever heard a story, a funny story, that you found funny and entertaining just as it was intended but at the same time it really bothered you?
I’ve heard such stories and they bother me so much that I can’t stop thinking about them. Was it funny? Yes. Objectively so. But at the same time even as I heard it the first time, I just couldn’t help thinking…. if I were the subject of the story… it would be sooo painful. Not funny at all really. I think it might be the kind of experience that if I experienced a few such experiences it might make me change my perspective on life, change my opinions about reality. And that only makes me wonder more at why the story is being told to me. Is the speaker asking my tacit approval for the telling of the tale? Does the teller suspect the tale is hurtful to the subject but doesn’t understand rationally how it could be so and is asking for my opinion? Or is the teller just trying to get other people to admit that it s funny so he or she can feel better about the telling? Or is it for none of those reasons but just a funny tale that came to mind, shared because it was thought that it would bring a moment of humor and joy to the conversation. The speaker could not have known that I would be a person who would be hurt were that story told about me.
The funny thing about funny stories is that the teller in striving to make them funny strives to sort of mute their emotional content. When we tell stories about embarrassing events even if they are stories about ourselves we don’t talk much about how embarrassed we were or how hurt or how hard it was. We just talk about how ironic the situation, how silly our choices are, were, etc. When we tell those stories about ourselves it is often a means of coming to grips with the experience, of reconciling our emotions with our reasoning. That way the story can become just a story and not as much a defining characteristic of ourselves. Indeed our coming to understand and acknowledge the events as being understandably humorous can become a defining characteristic of our growth into better people.
When we tell a funny story about others it is more difficult to discern the reason behind it. Sometimes it is to show off and feel superior to the subject of the story. Sometimes it is to illustrate something about the nature of the subject, maybe to help others understand that person. Sometimes it is told sympathetically in order to try and help the subject along in coming to grips with the story, to see the humor in it. Still other times, most of the time really, it is shear obliviousness of the emotional impact of the story on the subject. We just tell the story because we think it was entertaining and funny.
And most often, the subject laughs too and takes it with good spirit but on the inside that subject is deeply hurt both by being reminded of the events that hurt them in the first place and by the fact that the speaker is so ignorant and oblivious of their feelings on the matter. This can cause the humorous telling of a story to exacerbate someone’s healing process rather than help it along. The subject might even start to think that the speaker is giving this joke out of spite and become bitterly angry at the speaker but feel that he or she has no outlet with which to express that anger, no grounds upon which to base a defense or argument simply because the story is funny and the speaker hasn’t done anything wrong that could be argued against. What can the subject do, except swallow his or her pride and ignore it and hope that it becomes less painful over time or that the teller might one day realize the pain they are causing the subject.
What can we storytellers do to prevent these awkward occurrences? Not much really except try and be observant of the impact the stories we choose, the subtle clues that someone might be hurt but trying not to be. We can try and pick the stories we tell as wisely as possible ever mindful that all words have the potential to do great harm, and apologize should we ever find that we have caused harm, even if we feel that harm might be for the subjects own good. When in doubt we can always ask if the subject minds our telling of this tale and talk about what the story means to that person with them. But of course that may not illicit a truthful response. The most important thing for the teller to realize that the harm caused by a story about a person, is as much that person’s responsibility as that of the teller. It is for them to come to grips with the events that hurt them so. All we storytellers can do is try and help in any way we can.
And what can we who have had the stories told do when we feel the stories being told about us are hurtful and bordering on cruelty? We can do a lot actually. We can be honest and tell the truth to the teller and maybe that will lead that person to be more understanding. Barring that we can keep in mind that the teller most likely does not realize the impact their words are having on us and is not trying to be deliberately hurtful. We can try to steer the conversations away to things that we find more pleasant. We can even try to be a little more thick skinned and not worry so much and try and get over things faster. That last is the hardest I think, at least for me. I was the kid who hated watching the embarrasing parts on sitcoms. It felt so bad to me to imagine being so embarrassed. I wouldn’t want anyone making fun of me in such a situation. And yet, it was funny, and thus a valid subject of humor. A person should be able to take it in stride, right? A lesson easier said than learned.
It’s sort of strange that embarrassment is such all hallmark of humor in so many ways, especially in how it is portrayed on television in the form of reality tv shows and sitcoms. But maybe this is the way in which society tries to avoid these conflicts by providing lessons in becoming more thick-skinned by the experience of observation. If so, I think it is a pretty poor teaching mechanism. Only through real trials do we learn to face and grow from our experiences.
