July 18, 2007
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strange feeling
Have you ever had this feeling?
At night there is some thought or set of thoughts that you just can’t stop thinking about or worrying about and your mind twists and pulls at it over and over back and forth trying to make sense of something, to come to grips with something. You just won’t stop, can’t stop and yet you make little progress. Understanding is elusive. Peace more so. You lie in bed or sit at your desk just thinking and thinking and thinking..
But then at some point you discover that your body just doesn’t give a damn whether your mind has finished or resolved whatever it is that has been bothering it. At some point it just up and commands you. “SLEEP NOW!” it asserts and whatever that your mind seems to want to keep going, isn’t finished dwelling upon whatever it was that you were dwelling upon, you still cannot help but obey. Before you know it you are asleep. But it is a strange kind of sleep.
And then you wake up the next morning and your mind just starts right up right where you left off. No moment of break, no instance of peaceful quiet or calm. The thoughts just keep rolling over and over steady like the perpetual flow of a river.
You start to wonder were you really just sleeping? Because it doesn’t feel like it. It feels like you never stopped to truly rest and your mind feels exhausted as if you’d run a marathon in mental meanderings. Your body may have slept, but you wonder if your mind was just stuck in an infinite loop all the hours of the night.
And still no answers come to you.
Have you ever felt like this?
