August 17, 2007
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seeing the future
Having pretty much chosen a path sometimes it feels as if I can see the future. Life choices are not so radically unusual that we cannot if we are calm and rational predict what is to come, and the fact is that I have been here before.
I have lived this life before.
I know exactly all the things I will dislike about it. I know exactly how unpleasant and annoying I will find it all. I know exactly how slow it will seem, how tedious, how trivial so much of what I will be learning will appear to be. I know exactly how frustrated I will be by the amount of “hard” work I have to do to prove my understanding of such “simple” and uninteresting ideas. I know exactly how little it will seem that I am able to accomplish while doing it, how little energy it will seem as if I have and how much it will feel as if I am wasting my life away at times. I know exactly how annoyed I will be at the cost of it all, inordinate, irrational, though at least this time I will be the only one footing the bill.
And I know the things I’ll love about it too. I know exactly how engrossed I will feel. I know how I will love listening to smart people discuss interesting thoughts. I know how I will love arguing with clever minds and exploring the truth and falseness of a thing together.
I know exactly how much it will feel like my element as if this is the very place where I most belong. I know exactly how I will be able to show off and engender undeserved praise from others. I know exactly how easily I will be able to dazzle with words and deeds and make people for some god only knows reason think that I am actually pretty damn smart. And I know how much I will hate that perception, and hate the inevitable disappointment it will entail.
I know how many of the little things that will be expected of me that I
will despise. The necessity of punctual attendance, the requirement to work
together with other people on projects rather than doing it on my own,
the importance of doing “original” research which I don’t care about
and the need to submit busy work to prove that I am paying attention. And of course the tests that so poorly measure ones capacity one wonders who came up with this madness.I know exactly how much I will want to quit too, to stop, to say to hell with it and go try something else. I know exactly how discouraged I will be when I hit barrier after barrier and nothing turns out the way I had dreamed it would turn out. I know exactly how stubborn pride will keep me from quitting even if it gets so bad that quitting is the only rational course of action. A simple refusal to be a person who quits will keep me going, regardless of the rationality of that position. That’s the worse case scenario, and I know how much I will dread even the possibility of things getting so bad.
But there is one thing that will be different this time than last. One thing that makes me more hopeful than I have any right to be. The difference is, this time, I know. All these things and more about what I am getting into I will know. Last time I didn’t even suspect. It was all new. And as a result I think I was always filled with a little bit of sadness and anger that things didn’t quite match my false illusions of how they would be. This time, at least, I know exactly what to expect. I know exactly what I am getting into.
So the question is, does my willingness to do a thing now knowing full well the immediate consequences will be primarily unpleasant in order for long term gain mean that I am growing stronger or just stupider?
