September 30, 2007

• Assumptions

  Two days ago I had an online conversation with a friend of mine. Nominally we were talking about anger management and how to cope with strong emotions in general. To that end he mentioned two books that claim to  provide the Dalai Lama’s answer to how to cope with anger.

  http://www.amazon.com/Art-Happiness-Handbook-Living/dp/0340750154/ref=pd_bbs_4/102-2559542-5421746?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1191020903&sr=8-4
  http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Anger-Patience-Buddhist-Perspective/dp/1559390735/ref=sr_1_1/102-2559542-5421746?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1191020951&sr=8-1

  We started off talking about anger management, but soon we veered off into a discussion about a different but related subject: assumptions.  How we got there is pretty straight forward. It happens to be that for many great anger arises from frequently from the making of unfounded assumptions.

  For example, if someone cuts you off on the road, what do you think? Do you think this person is a poor driver, a jerk, or an idiot? Do you think that this person did it to spite you or because he or she thinks they are better than you and deserve the right away?

  Another example, suppose you hear a group of people laughing quietly nearby? Do you tend to think that they might be laughing at you? Do you tend to wonder if they are making a joke at your expense?  Or if that same group seems angry and upset do you assume that they are angry at you? Does the fact that they aren’t sharing the cause of their emotional state with you lead you to immediately presume that it has something to do with you or is something you wouldn’t like if you found out about it?

  If you ever noticed someone with a disgusted look on their face in passing did the first thing that popped into your mind was that it might be something about you that they find disgusting?

  All of these kinds of thoughts and many more often lead people to get angry. Irrationally, powerfully angry. People go crazy as the result of feelings of shame and self doubt, especially if it is triggered by the seemingly unpredictable and incomprehensible actions or reactions of others. 

  I’ve never been prone to fits of rage.  I have many relatives who do seem to have powerful anger streaks but that never seems to effect me much.  I don’t go around slamming doors or stomping about or shouting or screaming at people. I never have. Nor is it that I have a strong iron will that keeps that rage in check because I know how others will perceive it in me. No. Not at all. I just never feel that way. I never get any pleasure or find any peace from fierce physical demonstrations of rage. If I got the opportunity to connect my fist with the face of a person who has caused me much real pain and suffering whom I despised more than life itself, I would feel no satisfaction from the feeling of connection. Rather I think the only thing  I would feel is a sore fist.

  But I am prone to make assumptions just like those I described above. Only for me I think they lead to different feelings, more like sadness and depression. And I make all kinds of assumptions that result in me feeling this way. If someone says a curt word to me I tend to go into full blown terror that they have decided to hate me. If someone seems to be avoiding me, I start to suspect that their opinion has changed and they are starting to be repulsed by the very idea of my presence.  It’s all crazy assumptions.

  I supress these thoughts more or less with shear logic and reasoning.  When someone cuts me off when I’ve driving rather than assume the worst about that person  I generally think:  “this person could be a new driver” or “this person could be sick and not focusing straight” or “this person might be in a hurry to deal with a life or death situation”.  Really, how can I know? Any of those things could be true or any of a thousand other explanations could be true. Or there could just be no explanation at all. The person might have just made a one in a life time mistake and you might just happen to be the one who is effected by that mistake.

  And then I also think who cares really? So what if I was cut off. If I survived and didn’t get any injury or damage to my vehicle so what? What difference does it make that it *could* have lead to those things. If it had, maybe then I would have a right to be angry or scared or depressed. But it didn’t? So why feel such strong emotions? I’m fine. They’re fine. Big deal.

  I go through a similar reasoning with each and every occurrence that tends to lead me to feel strong negative emotions about anything. Just think it through.  Step by step. Rather than think just about the assumption that makes me feel worst, think about all of the possibilities and think about the overall significance of the experience. Even if it is the worst case scenario, does it really matter enough to get upset over?

  But of course the emotional response never *really* goes away. Rather I just find myself better able to deal with it and move on and forget it quickly enough. I can’t ever convince myself not to get upset though, I can only convince myself just not to worry about it and let the future work itself out.

  Still, sometimes I just have this sneaking suspicion my assumptions are true. I don’t know why, but I just get this sensation that I *know* the thing I am think has to be the case even though all my logic and reasoning tells me that it doesn’t really have to be.  Maybe this is my instincts at work. Maybe on some level I am picking up more information than I am able to consciously process and my mind is taking in evidence that increases the probability of that assumption being true that I am just not aware of. 

  Sometimes I wonder even if the reason my assumptions are true is in fact because that thing I suspect is really meant to be rather obvious. For example, someone might actively be dropping hints that they are annoyed with you or don’t like something you are doing or something rather than telling you outright about it. In this case I might, ironically come up with the assumption that the person is annoyed at me and then talk myself out of it. That is, I might, think, well there’s a lot of possible reasons they could be acting that way. Why should I assume the worst? That ends of creating a very weird dynamic where I appear oblivious to something I am not oblivious to at all which would be very confusing to an outside observer.

  On a slightly tangential topic, why would anyone act out hints as to their true feelings rather than say them outright? Two words I think. Plausible deniability.  It is so much less risky to get someone to think you are thinking something without saying it that way if you change your mind about it you can pretend like you never thought it in the first place. Or, if you actually don’t want someone thinking you are thinking like you are actually thinking or you don’t like the consequences of them thinking that you are thinking that, you can always if the topic comes up or even if it doesn’t just deny it in the first place.  Ok, maybe that’s too cynical a perspective. Probably more often people are not direct about what they think and feel because they can’t figure out how to say what they think or feel and aren’t even entirely sure of what they think and feel.

  Anyway, I think there’s a lot more to say about assumptions. I’ll write more about assumptions some day soon.

  • 8:22 am
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