Month: November 2007

  • Parking Spaces

    I’ve always thought that people’s behavior toward parking spaces is really strange. People get really competitive over them, and will work very hard to get a premier spot at the front of a building no matter what the purpose of their visit. Whether they are going to the super market or the movie theatre or the local target or whatever. People seem to act as if it is a mark of pride to get that one special beautiful spot right there that minimizes their walking distance. It’s like a personal challenge for people. And they get really determined and sometims really upset when they can’t get the right spot. It matters to them a lot.

    Now sometimes this makes *some* sense. I mean who wants to walk a long distance in the cold carrying lots of bags and whatnot? The closer to spot the easier your task, usually. Now we might argue that we’d all be healthier if we were willing to walk a little bit farther or that sometimes the time wasted waiting fighting over a prime spot exceeds the amount of time it would take to make that walk, but who cares. Such facts aren’t likely to dissuade anyone. And can you blame them? People really care about their comfort and ease. Some people more than others.

    But here’s where it gets really weird. I was at Target today and it has this three story parking lot. It has doors that enter the building on the third floor and on the first floor and checkout lines on both floors and carts on both floors and big elevators that move between the three floors. What’s more the placement of products in the store seems to suggest that the expectation is that users would enter either on the top or bottom floor of target, go through the store, up or down te escalator as the case may be, go through the rest of the store and then exit once they are done, making one complete circuit. Then they elevator back to their vehicle. Right? Simple. No matter where you park you are probably going to be using the elevator at the end of your trip unless you’re only there for a quick pick up and you know before hand what floor its on.  And for quick pick ups there were things I could see you’d want to go to the top floor foor and things that you’d want to go to the first floor for. I couldn’t really see one as being more likely than the other. And that makes sense from the retailers perspective, since they want to distribute goods in such a way as to maximize your browsing exposure to ensure optimum probability that you will impulse buy.

    OK get it? There’s nothing and I mean absolutely nothing that I can see to recommend the first floor over the third. And even the second floor is only a tiny little elevator ride away from either entrance. So why is it then that I observed many a vehicle fighting over the few available spots on the first floor whereas the third floor had numerous empty spaces and the second floor had absolutely NO ONE parked there?

    I think this shows a little bit of humanity’s madness. We might for those spaces anyway. We’ve gotta have em. We’ve got to WIN. Can’t let that other person take  that space. It’s mine! I saw it first! That’s the way we are. Doesn’t matter if all reason tells us that it would be a more efficient use of our time to just drive up a floor or two and take an easily available space. Those spaces on the second and third floor don’t hold the allure of the first floor spaces. You don’t WIN if you get one of those spaces, because there just wasn’t any competition for them. The winners are the ones who get that ideal space on the first floor right where they want it just as the previous occupant was exiting with minimal walking distance from the door. Only when we get that space are we truly satisfied. That’s just the way it goes.

    It’s pretty silly when you think about it.  I might be more rational for us to even not fight over those spaces. Maybe park further away if you are healthy so that someone who is elderly, or sickly, or in less prime physical shape can get the closer spot. That might be kind and eminently reasonable, but don’t expect human beings to start acting that way any time soon. Not as long as we see parking as a kind of challenging game where the prize to be won is the closest spot.

  • Toughy

    I was visiting my relatives in NY this past weekend. There I encountered this dog named Toughy. That’s how it was pronounced anyway. I’m not sure if it was spelled Toughy or Tuffy but the joke of the day was definitely that it was “Toughy” meaning that it was one *tough* little dog or at least it acted tough. 

    The dog was really tiny. Smaller than most cats. But it had attitude. It would growl. It would bear its teeth. It would bark at people. It was very protective, patrolling the area looking for things going wrong, intruders or enemies. There was another dog in the household too, a much bigger dog, but Toughy saw it as his duty to protect that other dog and he wouldn’t let anyone disturb her, just like he wouldn’t let anyone invade his space or disrupt his families business.

    Twice that day it had bitten two different people. It just got mad at them and bit them. Just like that. This tiny little dog strutted about like it was the tough man in the
    house. Nobody better mess with me. That was the attitude he tried to
    portray. But since it was a small dog we all laughed and nobody thought much of it. Toughy was just being Toughy.
     
    The funny thing is as the day went on, for some reason I was able to get Toughy on my side. He really warmed up to me. He was mad or at least wary of everybody else but me he became my friend. He curled up at my feet and rolled around and let me pet him and rub him and he seemed genuinely happy to be around me.

    My Mom said that I have that kind of natural affinity for animals. That they just come to like me and that it just comes natural to me. That’d be a damn cool power to have. Too bad that’s just false. Humans are animals too and certainly I’ve got no affinity there.  No I think the more likely that if I have any power at all it is an affinity for creatures who act like they want to be left alone but in reality want for anything but that. I guess I can relate to that kind of a personality. And I think that’s what was Toughy’s deal. He was trying to push people away but all he wanted was someone to give him attention anyway. I did, and so we became buddies for a short a while anyway.

    While it’s true that there have been a number of dogs and cats and other creatures that have been surprisingly cool with me even when they weren’t with very many others,, like Toughy, there are some noticeable exceptions.  Two dogs I’ve known just absolutely despised me for no apparent reason and nothing that I could do seemed able to to correct that impression. Both were dogs of two separate friends. One when I was very young, another kid in the neighborhood. This dog would whenever she first saw me just start barking and get angry. She was too well behaved to really do anything about it and once she realized that I was a friend of the family she’d be cool with me, even letting me pet her and forgetting that I was an enemy. But I always had this little unsettling sense that she didn’t really want me there and sure enough the next time I’d visit, she’d start barking again first thing like she either forgot me entirely or was just pretending to tolerate me last time. The other dog was a more recent encounter and whereas that other dog seemed annoyed at having me around and like she wanted to get rid of me, this one flat out despised me. He wanted to attack me. I was the enemy, the intruder the entire time I was in his presence. And he bit me once even when I was trying to give him treats to make him my friend, which my friend assures me works most of the time. I am quite sure that this dog would want to hurt me no matter what I did. He just thought I was evil or something.  The threat that needed to be excised from his domain. That his masters liked me was irrelevant.

    Is that strange?  When I think back there have been people that I’ve met who have been like that too. They just seem to have an aversion to me. And I don’t comprehend it. It doesn’t really bother me. Neither did these dogs. I just find it confusing.  Incomprehensible. I wonder why.  Just like I wonder why those other creatures like Toughy take a liking to me. It seems so strange that creatures make such decisions so arbitrarily. To be someone’s friend or to not be someone’s friend? To care about someone or not? To hate someone or not? It seems like such a matter of instinct and whim rather than reason and knowledge. Why is that? I’ve always wondered.

    And what about me? I think about the people I’ve known and although I can’t think of anyone for whom I developed a pure irrational unjustified hatred for there have been those who for some reason or another I just could not see myself as being their friend. Rationally they seemed wholly interesting beings like everybody else worthy of getting to know. But for some reason, I just didn’t have any interest in them. I wasn’t curious about them. I didn’t want to know them better. I just didn’t care if I ever saw them again.  And there are others who likewise I find myself feeling an affinity for. People I really want to learn more about. People I’m curious about right from the start. I want to know them. I want to be their friend. Why? There isn’t anything about them in particular that makes me feel that way. I just seem to.Whether or not I ever talk to them or see them again, that feeling never disappears.

    I wonder what causes these impressions. And is it possible to move beyond them? Is it desirable to move beyond them? Sometimes I wonder about these things…

  • It Could Be Worse

    Over this last holiday weekend you probably heard a lot of people talking about all the things they are grateful for. They probably spoke of how grateful they were for health and family and food and friends and so on and so forth. I’m sure it was all very pleasant and enjoyable to hear and you probably too felt that sense of gratefulness for being in this place at this time enjoying their company.

    But not to rain on everyone’s parade but I have just had this feeling that has been bothering me for a long time about the kinds of self-indulgent praise that gets battered about on Thanksgiving Day. I hate the tenor and the tone of this kind of gratefulness. It makes me very uncomfortable. I hate listening to it. I don’t want to join in and say I’m grateful too. Because I’m not. Not really. At least not in the sense that everyone else seems to be speaking of.

    When you put it all together you see it boils down to one idea, one basic principle upon which our gratefulness is consistently based. And that is this:

    It could be worse.

    That’s what people mean. When they talk about how grateful they are for their Thanksgiving feasts, the good food, and good company. What are they saying except that isn’t it just so great that we have these things when it could easily have been otherwise? Aren’t they just saying oh how good it is that we can splurge on turkey and ham and sweat potato pie when others elsewhere don’t have that luxury? It could easily have been us. We might be poor and destitute or just so strapped for cash that we can’t afford as much. It could be far worse.

    And our family is here and alive and able to meet together and celebrate this thanksgiving feast when there are others, other families that are estranged from each other, and others who have lost all their loved ones or never had any to begin with. But we, we at least get to meet and eat and be merry. It could have been worse for us. It could have easily been that way for us. That’s why we are grateful on Thanksgiving. That’s why we give our thanks.

    But here’s the thing that gets me. You know what? It can always be worse. For the poor and the destitute and lonely and lost are all probably celebrating their Thanksgivings too only they’re just thankful for a different lot of so called ‘blessings’. “At least I’m alive” or “At least I’m warm” or “At least I’m in full control of my mental faculties” might be the things they speak of their gratefulness for. And they turn around and think about the people so hocked up on drugs that they barely seem human, and the poor souls living in conditions of absolute squalor half way across the world, or the imprisoned who have to fight for every once of respect they can get, and the people stuck in the middle of a war zone ever living in terror of being raped or kidnapped or meeting a violent death for them and theirs.  And you know these poor are just thinking, but for the grace of god go I. And they are grateful for that. Of course they’re grateful.

    And yet guess what? The drug addicts are thinking about those poor souls who are stuck up in an insane asylum and don’t enjoy their freedom to get high. And the prisoners are thinking about those bastards on death row and have no future of any kind awaiting them. And the war zone dwellers no doubt have a passing thought about that guy they heard of who yeah got out of the war but only at the expense of losing two arms, two legs, his hearing and with brain damage. At least THAT’S not me. That’s what they think. Boy it could be worse.

    And don’t you dare for a second think that that’s the worse that could be. We just open our minds to the possibilities and we can imagine worse and worse and worse without end. You could imagine someone who has lost all their senses, or someone paralyzed or someone whose memories are wasting away. And we don’t have to imagine these people. They really exist. Turn on the news and we hear about them. All the time.  And it could be worse than that too. What if you had your senses and your wits but happened to be the most hated person in the world, known by all and reviled. All your friends and family have abandoned you, deemed you worse than worthless, an object of their scorn. And strangers look upon you with repulsion and hate you for all they’re worth and resolve to make your life a living hell. That could be too. It could easily come to pass.

    And yet even then when thanksgiving comes along I’m sure you’ll have the passing thought that it could be worse. I could be Dead you might think and burning in eternal torment in a Hell designed just for me whilst still suffering the same hate and scorn from all around me whilst the devil each day imagines new torments to plague me. Or maybe I could be locked in the Earth, a living corpse, forced to live out every agonizing moment as my body decomposes into nothingness.

    And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Think about it long enough, dwell upon it with enough heart and will and you can always find something. There’s always somebody whose lot in life just looks so much worse than yours that you can feel grateful in comparison. There’s always somebody you can pity. There’s always somebody you can look down upon and feel superior to, to feel pleased with yourself that through your luck and skill you’ve been able to make at least that much of a better life for yourself. And you think, Happy Thanksgiving to me! At least I’m not as bad off as those others losers!

    That’s was annoys me about this holiday.  That’s why I can’t ever really fully get into it. Whereas other holidays are sheerly commercial or sheerly religious or sheerly historical, thanksgiving is different, it’s about a principle, a value. The idea that you should take a moment and reflect upon the good things in your life and feel grateful for all that you have. Grateful because it could be otherwise. Grateful because it could be worse. That’s what Thanksgiving is. A celebration of it could be worse.

    But to me thinking “It Could Be Worse” doesn’t make me happy. It doesn’t bring me any pleasure at all. I don’t feel that glow of content togetherness as we sit about our fine feast eating our excellent food thinking that all is right in the world because we aren’t so unlucky as to be one of the millions of people who have it far worse.  And I don’t see the value of taking a moment to reflect on that. I want nothing to do with it. It makes me very uncomfortable.

    This is also why I hate watching the news most of time. Most of the stories are terribly dark. Why? There’s as much good in the world as there is evil. Really. Just look around. But the news covers primarily the darkest, hardest, and the worst of all the worlds events. We are constantly subjected to stories about people suffering and hurting and dealing with hardships beyond our imagination. Or else stories of despicable acts that raise our ire.Why?

    It’s simple really. There’s the demand. People want to watch and hear these stories. It makes them feel better. People can feel better about themselves by noting that it could be worse. Look at these poor fools who’ve got it much worse than I? Look at these idiots who can’t even get better than that for themselves? Look how screwed up everybdoy else is. It makes people feel better about how screwed up their own lives are. It makes it easier to take the hard times in their own future. They watch and say things like “What a shame! What’s the world coming to!” But they keep watching and inside a part of them is relieved to know that in the grand scheme of things maybe their problems aren’t that bad. It could be worse.

    Even our “feel good” stories often have a tint of this superiority to them. Over the holiday I heard a ‘feel good story’ on the news about a family who had six kids at once. Now the obvious question to ask is, why is this news? Why do you care how many children another family has? Why would this make you feel good? The answer is dark but obvious. Because all those viewers are saying “Oh how cute” but inside they’re thinking “Phew. I’m so glad that’s not me!”

    Am I too cynical? But I just hate this! We shouldn’t always be evaluating our lives against everybody else’s trying to justify how ‘good’ or how ‘bad’ a job we’ve done with it. We shouldn’t always be trying to see somebody else’s problems as a validation or an excuse for our own. Can’t we feel good about the good things in our lives non-comparatively? Can’t we acknowledge the bad in our lives without having the qualifying it with how it stands in relation to the bad in others lives?

    I guess to me, it could be worse is just no reason to be grateful.

  • Do you think people are inherently good or bad?

    I’ve thought about this for a long time. I’ve seen people who otherwise seemed good to me do things that seemed terrible. And I’ve seen people who have often done terrible things engage in profound acts of selfless altruism. I myself have done many things that in retrospect did not seem to meet my own standards of what I deem to be good and just and right. And I’ve done very selfless seeming things knowingly for purely selfish reasons.

    So then what? Are we born evil and find the good in us? Or are we born good and drawn into evil? Or perhaps some of us are born evil and others good? Some born with consciences and others without them as they say? Or are all of us both evil and good and a constant struggle within us between them is waged? Or are all of us neither but for our choices on this earth over time make us one or the other?  Or perhaps there just is no such thing as good or evil or right or wrong. It’s all just relative. It’s all just whatever society deems it here and now.

    In the end I concluded that it just doesn’t matter very much. Whether or not people are born with it or learn it, there are acts that I cannot help but conceive of as good and others that I cannot help but conceive of as bad. Learning the truth of human nature would not change that, nor would it change my inclination toward condemnation and praise on the basis of those acts.  If someone murders an innocent child intentionally for their own benefit, there is no way in which you could conceive of humanity, no story you could tell, no explanation you could give that would lead me to believe that that act was not deplorable and that the commiter for having made that act not worthy of my utmost scorn. Even if we are all automotons preprogrammed to live out our lives in exact accordance with a certain plan unable to deviate, I’d still deem that person vile. I’d have no sympathy. I guess that’s just a part of my own ‘programming’.

    But I do believe that we aren’t automotons and I can’t imagine a universe so cruel that it would condemn certain peoples to a life of pure evil without a chance or a hope to be good. Maybe it is so and maybe it is so for everyone but I’d never accept it unless you put incontrovertible evidence before me. So I guess the presumption of good is an instinct engrained in me. When I see people I can’t help but assume that they are in their heart of hearts  for the most part trying to be good. They may make mistakes and they may fail terribly but I believe that people want to be good and all their choices are what they think is right.

    And I think that presumption of good has great benefits for society. If we follow it and stick with it. It means that we don’t give up on people. We give them an opportunity to do good. We harness the good that is in them. We try to reform them. We try to help them. We try to give them a chance at happiness, no matter what mistakes they’ve made.  That doesn’t mean we don’t condemn the condemnable. It just means, we don’t let the fact of any act of evil be enough to cast someone aside as without worth or value. If we presume good, then we can get try to get good out of everyone since we believe that it is in there to begin with. Isn’t that just a better way to lead our society?

    I just answered this Featured Question, you can answer it too!

  • The Best Fortune in the World

    You will be successful in everything.

    That’s what my fortune cookie said. And you know, I can’t imagine a better prediction for one’s personal future. It’s pretty much the ideal fortune cookie. It’s what everyone wants to hear even if they won’t admit it. That all that they will put their mind to, however crazy or unlikely, they will succeed. Somehow.
    This makes me want to go out and do something quite nearly impossible. Right now. I should go try something unlikely and see what happens. I could try to take over the world, or bring about world peace, or cure cancer, or become an astronaut, or something you know?  How could it go wrong? I mean, after all I will be successful in everything. The fortune cookie said so. And if you can’t trust the powers that generate random slips of paper wrapped in dough, who can you trust?

    Success is a funny thing though. The more units of success you have does not imply the more units of happiness you obtain. There’s no correlation. For many greater success only leads to more longing and a deeper emptiness. And yet, I think, the more units of failure you have, or what you consider to be a personal failure, whatever the world thinks of it, the more unhappy you are likely to become. You don’t have to of course. You can be so positive that failures wash off you like sand swept away by the ocean currents. But most of us are not like that. Failure hurts. You need a minimal level of success to create the opportunities for happiness.

    Actually I think it has little to do with success or failure at all. Just confidence. Just faith. When you have those your failures seems less like failures and your successes bring you greater happiness. When you lack them, all the striving and success in the world will only lead to an unsatisfying illusion.  That’s what I think anyways.

    So maybe my fortune wasn’t the best in the world after all. The best might be something like this:

    You will always find happiness

    I hope I get that fortune soon.

  • Personality Magic

    I am GU!

    I recently took this personality test called the “insights discovery profile”. Basically it’s a test that is designed to determine to what extent you favor four of Jung’s psychological types each of which is assigned a color. The colors are arranged in a pie grid shape and you are assigned a position on the grid depending on to what extent you manifest each of the colors.

    Here is the description of the colors:

    Blue – Observer – Introverted Thinking – cautious, precise, deliberate,  questioning, formal
    Red – Director – Extroverted Thinking – purposeful, determined, strong-willed, competitive, demanding
    Yellow – Inspirer – Extroverted Feeling – enthusiastic, sociable, dynamic, demonstrative, persuasive
    Green – Supporter – Introverted Feeling – caring, encouraging, sharing, patient, relaxed

    Each two part pair of adjacent colors also has special meaning. I don’t have as involved a description for them though. But here are the basic terms:

    BlueRed – Reformer
    RedYellow – Motivator
    YellowGreen – Helper
    GreenBlue – Coordinator

    From my profile I can see that the Motivator is described as the “Extraverted Intuitive” but I’m not sure what the others are. Reasonable guesses would be that the Coordinator is “Introverted Sensing”, the Helper is “Intuitive Feeling” and the Reformer is “Sensing Thinking”. My cheat sheet doesn’t mention the crossovers so I might be totally off on those.

    There’s one other dimension to the profile which is how close to the center of the pie grid chart you are. Apparently there are three concentric circles, one of which I think stand for accommodating, classic, and focused from inside to outisde. I have no idea what those terms or circles mean though because it isn’t talked about on my cheat sheet at all.

    Lastly each section is then cut into pie slices that describe how close one is to its neighbor.  For example if you are firmly in the red you’d be a Director, but even then you might be a little closer to the blue or a little closer to the yellow and you’d get the appropriate adjective as a result. If you are closer to the blue you’d be described as a “Reforming Director” and if you were closer to the yellow a “Motivating Director” and so on.

    The thing that struck me about this system was how remarkably similar the colors are to Magic: The Gathering.   In Magic:

    Blue is the color of reason and science and analysis. It is the cautious patient wait and see what your opponent does and react color.

    Red is the direct and aggressive color. It attacks in the most straight forward fashion of all colors seeking to gain control quickly.

    Green is the color of creatures and nature. It is the calm and tranquil and peaceful color too. It’s the color of elves and treefolk and forest spirits and the likes.

    White is the ‘people’ color’. The color of angels and hobbits (aka kithkin). IT is the color of things getting along together, banding together, allies and comraderie. It also has a fierceness to it as represented by effects like ‘wrath of god’ and  ‘armageddon’. It’s not so much tranquil as in your face about its collectivism.

    As you can see it’s almost identical! If we think of creatures as people in the green description, and think of white as yellow, they all fit.

    Hmmm… I wonder if these psychologists were playing Magic when they came up with this color scheme? Maybe they switched white to yellow at the last minute to avoid lawsuit!

    But then the question that immediately arises is…. where’s Black?  Black is the fifth color in Magic and it seems wholly unrepresented in this insights personality profile system.  That hardly seems fair!

    Well if you think about it, that makes some sense. They are trying to sell this system to people after all and so they want it to be palatable to most people.  There probably is a real black analog personality type, but nobody would want to be told that they favor ‘black’.  Can you imagine what such a profile would sound like? I can. It might go something like this:

        Nephyo prefers to live his life in an entirely self oriented fashion. He gains satisfaction when he is able to crush his enemies and lord it over them. He is likely to seek wealth and fame only for the power it gives him over others.  He will not avoid interactions with others, but will only seek them out of he can be in a position of dominance over those with whom he interacts. He can become impatient with people he considers to be “goody two-shoes” and will tend to avoid interaction with those with a strong moral compass, principles, or integrity. He is likely to highly motivated by activities involving cheating, stealing, deceiving, or general corruption and will enjoy observing the suffering of others. A hard worker, Nephyo is likely to bring a dedication and singleness of purpose to whatever activities he engages in should they ultimately benefit him. He will be willing to make great sacrifices for his goals, but will prefer to sacrifice others before himself. Nephyo is not at all loyal and is likely to see fairness as a waste of time and energy. At times he may come off as vindictive, petty, cruel, and sadistic and will show little interest in the collective or the greater good. When working with Nephyo, try to flatter his sense of superiority and be willing to follow his lead on all things. DO NOT try to impose your morality upon him as that will likely lead to conflict that may ultimately lead to your untimely demise.

    Yep. That’s how it would probably go.  You can imagine why they wouldn’t want to  put that in somebody’s profile! Plus if you add black you have to have a hemisphere shape and a 2D pie grid is just waay easier to deal with.

    The language in this system also reminds me of Magic.  They don’t talk about “yellow personality” or “red personality”  instead they use the term “Energy”.  So when you act in a manner that is caring, encouraging, sharing, patient, or relaxed you are manifesting “the green energy”.  Haha. It sounds kinda silly.  But come on it’s obviously what they mean is that you are tapping your “green mana”.  Mana = Energy. They just changed the term again!

    Even when you describe pairs of colors you get into the Magic lingo.  You say that such and such has a “Strong Green Preference and a yellow secondary”  or you can say somebody is almost entirely green or equal parts green and yellow.   This is exactly the same as in Magic where you can have a mono-Green deck, a Green/White deck or a Green deck with a White splash.  We can even adopt the Magic  shorthand if we want.  GW, Gw, or G.

    In fact for the rest of this post let’s do that.  I’ll use Magic letters so W stands for Yellow and U stands for Blue and the others are obvious.

    So where do I fall in this system?

    Well when I guessed what I would be just from the descriptions I knew for a fact that I was not Red and I was far far from Yellow. I’m  probably one of the least yellow people in the world and in the past I haven’t gotten along too well with people who have a strong yellow preference. I know a lot of people who lean toward red but I find them and their motivations somewhat mysterious. They are quite the antithesis of my perception of the world. So judging from that all  alone I can conclude that I was either Mono-G, Mono-U,  GU, Gu or Ug. I was leaning toward Ug. My friend guessed I was GU. My friend turned out to be correct.

    So on the chart I appear well into the “Coordinator” section, “Introverted Sensing” I think would be the description. It’s strange though, because I don’t think of myself as very “coordinating”. In fact I’m really really disorganized. I can see how observational skills combined with assisting and supporting skills would lead to a person who makes a good coordinator but it sort of falls apart if you just have a piss poor memory, a poor sense of direction and time, and a hatred for deadlines. Rather than being a blend of U and G, I think I sort of oscillate back and forth between the two, taking the components of U and the components of G that I prefer.

    But that’s just my objection to the term. Most of the descriptive components of my profile made a lot of sense to me. It seemed to pick up on personality quirks that  I didn’t think could easily be determined from such a small set of questions.

    Here are some of the points that seemed particularly appropriate to me:

    “can become intent upon doing things his own way in order to ensure his high standards of operating are met.”
    “gains satisfaction from attending to or performing functions that others require, and which he recognizes he can provide”
    “believes people should say what they mean and mean what they say”
    “written communications are most effective with him”
    “finds stress and chaos tough to handle”
    “content to work by himself without much control or supervision”
    “does not take readily to “up-front” leadership”
    “prefers to act behind the scenes”
    “a trustworthy  confidante who accepts a wide range of behavioral differences in others”
    “A good mediator or peace keeper because he can agree while not being fully drawn to any one view.”
    “Non-judgemental and accepting of others’ behavior in a rather factual way, he notices things around him and will generally find the deeper meanings within most situations.”
    “He usually delays decision making until all the facts and details are available”
    “Above all, he is concerned with what is “right” and because of this may appear slow in the decision making process.”
    “May get bogged down in the details”
    “Can resist by being passive yet stubborn simultaneously”
    “can be hypersensitive to criticism of his work”
    “good at tasks which require accuracy and attention to detail and has a highly developed ability for critical perception, which may make him appear rather distant at times”
    “sometimes seems detached from the real world, involved in complex thought”
    “appears rather indecisive to some people”
    “because of his well developed tolerance of himself and other people, he may appear detached and disinterested”
    “motivated by an internal desire “to do the right thing in the right way”"
    “may tend to over-complicate issues by trying to solve too many things at once”

    There’s lots more of course this was just a sampling. There’s a entire section on areas for improvement that almost all seemed relevant to me and lots of stuff about how to communicate with me and how I should communicate with others that is interesting.

    One section that surprised me is this section:

    “Occasionally, his private reactions can be intense, even unpredictable and out of character, but they may not be visible to others. Despite his matter-of-factness, he will sometimes experience a private reaction to something he senses is wrong and if he articulates this, it can come as a surprise to those around him.”

    This certainly strikes me as true about me but I would never have thought the test would pick that up. I’ve observed frequently that I have much stronger opinions than others tend to think that I have. I care a lot more about a lot of things than even my close friends sometimes realize. Instead I appear somewhat distant and extremely neutral when I feel anything but. It has created some awkward situations and misunderstandings in the past.

    The most interesting part of the profile is the end though. There they display three characters that make clear where one stands color-wise with relation to one another. The left hand chart shows how one projects themselves to be, ie the personality they actively present to others when they have a choice.  The right hand chart shows a less conscious personality profile. It displays how you are likely to behave whenever you have less control over your reactions such as when you are under great pressure

    For mine they are quite different. Consciously, I project more G than U and I project almost no W at all, significantly more R but not above the midpoint (31%).  The less conscious me is quite the opposite. I have a much higher U than G and more W than R though still insignificant in both (neither about 30%). Because I am dominant G but only just barely on the conscious chart, I am described as a “Supporting Coordinator”.  And because I am slightly more U than G less consciously, I am described as an “Observing Coordinator” unconsciously.  Both are “Classic”, whatever that means.

    The central chart is the ‘preference flow’ and it seems to indicate something resembling the degree of difference between one’s conscious and less conscious selves. So it’ll show above zero in a color if you project yourself more in that direction than you would ordinarily be and it will show below zero if you are suppressing that aspect of your personality. 

    The idea of this chart is to identify potential problems. So if you were to have all four significantly above zero it would indicate a tendency like you are trying to be everything to all people and if you were all four significantly below zero it might indicate that you are trying to suppress your psyche too much. Similarly if you had one that was really really high that would indicate that that color was something you were trying to project that was really unsustainable because it is so far against your natural tendencies. Similarly for going the other direction or if there were two colors or three colors all in one direction.  But apparently forces going in opposite directions can cancel each other out reducing the overall risk of an effect.

    For me I end up with blue a little below, Green a little more above, yellow about twice that much below and red three times green’s above.

    This is quite odd to me. It suggests that I am striving toward being more direct, purposeful, and strong-willed, as well as trying to be even more supportive than is my natural tendency.  And on the other side I am slightly dampening the degree to which people see me as as objective and analytical and significantly suppressing my inclination toward outwardness.

    I guess I can see some of that in me to some extent. I certainly get frustrated with my own weakness of will at times and my tendency not to act. And I always wish that I can be more helpful to others, but I don’t see how I could unconsciously be more sociable or enthusiastic. I really am not very much either of those things as far as I can tell. And likewise for my cautious and deliberate nature. I can’t see how I could possibly be more that than I in fact appear to be.

    Looking at it in terms of how I would likely act under pressure is somewhat informative though. If I read the graphs correctly, when the going gets tough I am likely to retreat into my objective analysis, to become more withdrawn and detached from the problems at hands, not trying to assist so much and focusing more on the dry analysis and clear understanding of the issues at hand. Similarly what determination and dedication I have evaporates under stressful scenarios. I tend to become much less forceful and less demanding, hence the big drop in R.  Only the yellow doesn’t quite lend itself to easy comprehension. Under a stressful situation how would I become more enthusiastic, demonstrative, and persuasive? How could I be more sociable when I find social situations to be amongst the most stressful to me? It doesn’t make much sense. The only anecdotal experiences I can think of that sort of explain it is my experiences during college wherein the more behind I became academically, the greater the pressure, the more likely I was to goof off and procrastinate more, rather than rise to the challenge. I’d be more likely to hang out with friends, gaming, anime, or just chatting and the likes. So maybe that’s what it is talking about.

    Yeah I think I can see all that in me and I don’t much like it.  It seems like then when the going gets tough I am likely to give up and abandon people. I retreat into trivial social endeavors and detached dry analytics. That’s screwed up and  borders on evil in my book. No wonder I am trying to be otherwise.

    Anyway, so that’s my personality profile for you. It is definitely useful to read and understand such things about myself. I’m naturally pretty skeptical about things like this. I always find them fascinating but I often wonder about the truth of them. How objectively verifiable are they? Are they just telling you what you want to hear? But this one seemed to ring more true to my ears than most of  the others I’ve taken. There’s also the kind of OCEAN style personality tests and I’ve done two of those. I always score rediculously high Openness, ok agreeableness and super low everything else.

    Well if nothing else, studying this report makes me think about things in new ways so even if its total bullshit I think it’s worthwhile and I can get a lot out of it. Plus I like how it is similar to Magic. I like talking about Colors and Energies like Mana and deck types. That brings great amusement to me. So it’s money well wasted just for that.

    You know it’s funny UG decks are amongst my favorite decks in Magic too! Really I love this deck style because blue and green pretty much have all the most interesting cards in the entire game. All the weird effects seem to belong to one color or the other. Further, I love winning through overwhelming card advantage that just takes over the game in the long run whether or not you actually have better or more powerful cards than your opponent. And blue and green are the masters of card advantage. Blue and Green also have the mot interesting and powerful creatures. Blue’s devastating tricky creatures and flyers. Greens big monsters on the ground and mana generators.  Really UG is just the best. Period.  Maybe that’s why my personality profile turned out that way.

    Then again one of my other favorite decks is Mono-W and that’s almost the exact opposite of my personality profile. So I guess personality isn’t all Magic.

  • Death is never the answer

    One of my favorite exchanges in any story is this one:
    ————-
    Goliath: No! Killing her won’t solve anything. Death never does.
    Phoebe: He’s right, MacBeth.
    Selene: Duncan was afraid that your father would make you king.
    Luna: Did your father’s death stop you from becoming king?
    MacBeth: No!
    Selene: You wanted revenge for your father. Did Gillecomgain’s death settle that score?
    MacBeth: No.
    Phoebe: Did your own death save your son Luoch from Canmore?
    MacBeth: No.
    Goliath: Death is never the answer. Life is.
    —————-

    This is from the masterpiece of animation Gargoyles and is one of the most profound scenes in the entire series. The voice acting here is superb. You hear MacBeth’s voice change with each “no” as realization dawns on him of the truth of his entire life of attempting to use ‘death’ to solve his problems, even his own. And that last defeated ‘no’ is filled with all the pain and regret that only a lifetime of sorrow can bring.

    Goliath’s message is a powerful one. Death really doesn’t solve any problems. It usually exacerbates them. This isn’t even a hard thing to see theoretically for all that we so often forget it. Death limits possibilities. Life enables them. How can problems be solved if you limit the tools you can use the solve them?

    I think about this message when I think about the concept of suicide. I think we sometimes come to think that by killing ourselves we can cause something to happen. We can fix something or save someone or win an argument or make someone acknowledge us or miss us or whatever. It just doesn’t work that way. Although there’s a chance your death will have an impact on people, it won’t be one you can predict or control. People don’t react in rational predictable patterns to death and grief. It isn’t likely that someone would change their mind about something because somebody died. If anything in their anger and sorrow they would reject it all the more. Similary if we are hoping that others will understand us better after we are gone we are surely delusional since the people we know will just find our decision to end our lives so wholly irrational and incomprehensible that we will become all the more the mystery to them.

    So the only remaining reason why most people seem to contemplate their own end is because they are afraid that they don’t matter and might as well not exist because nobody cares about them or because they are so insignificant. Again the ‘death is never the answer’ message makes sense here. If you die, you won’t suddenly start to matter more. Nobody will care about you any more or miss you any more. But if you live, you can change that. You can forge connections and create lasting impressions that make you matter to the lives of others. You can become significant only by being alive. Death doesn’t get you anywhere.

    But even more important than that, we are virtually always always wrong when we think that we are insignificant.  There are always a lot more people who we have influenced and who would be deeply effected and hurt by our death than we think. Human beings are social entities and we can’t help but influence each other greatly. Even the most severe recluse will almost certainly find themselves deeply missed by someone, and most of the people who contemplate suicide are far from that. Indeed, it’s the opposite. Usually it is the people who are deeply connected to a lot of people who can be hurt enough to consider the prospect. They just don’t realize the depth of their own significance.

    So what we really need is a suicide test chamber. It would work like this. You have this sort of virtual reality world into which anyone contemplating suicide can go in and create their own death as a sort of trial run. Then they could watch from a distance and see exactly what happens. They’d see how deeply they are missed. Moreover, they’d see how their death causes real harm to real people. And they’d see all the opportunities that they could have intervened in to help people but can’t because they aren’t alive to do it.  I really believe that most of the people who would consider killing themselves would reconsider after having had this experience. Better, I think they would change the way they lead their lives knowing that there are people out there worth living for.

    Again, instead of death, its life and knowledge and understanding and possibilities. That’s what people need. That’s how save the world and ourselves.

    By the way, the rest of that scene in gargoyles was also pretty poignant:

    —–

    Xanatos: Normally, I’d be fascinated by all this. But I need that access code to save my city.
     
    Demona: I will have vengeance for the betrayal of my clan, vengeance for my pain.
    Selene: But who betrayed your clan?
    Luna: And who caused this pain?
    Demona: The Vikings destroyed my clan.
    Selene: Who betrayed the castle to the Vikings?
    Demona: The Hunter hunted us down.
    Phoebe: Who created the Hunter?
    Demona: Canmore destroyed the last of us.
    Selene: Who betrayed MacBeth to Canmore?
    Goliath: Your thirst for vengeance has only created more sorrow.
     
    Demona: The access code is alone.
     
    Demona: You tricked me! You had me under a spell! None of this was my fault. It was the humans, always the humans!

    ——————-

    MacBeth and Demona such a pair. Both haunted by loneliness for all those years. MacBeth’s leads him to ever seek death as a means of salvation ever ignorant of the harm it causes. Demona’s always leading her to seek revenge similarly unawares of the darkness hurt pursuit of vengeance unleashes.

    They are a sad pair but there is a little of them both in all of us I think. When we are hurt it is natural to want to lash out and hurt in return, to get our vengeance. When we are in sorrow, we often try extreme methods to try and remove our sadness.  It never works though. We just have to suffer through it, get past it and learn and live to fight another day.

  • What is your favorite book and why?

    “This thing all things devours.
    Birds. Beasts. Trees. Flowers.
    Gnaws iron. Bites steal.
    Grinds hard stones to meal.
    Slays king. Ruins town.
    Beats high mountain down.”

    —-

    “A box without hinges, key or lid, yet golden treasure inside is hid.”

    —–

    “My armor is like ten-fold shield. My claws are as swords, my teeth spears!
    The shock of my tail a thunderbolt. My wings a hurricane! And my breath….  DEATH!”

    —-

    “It cannot be seen, cannot be felt, cannot be heard cannot be smelt.
    It hides behind stars and under hills and empty holes it fills.
    It comes first, follows after.
    Ends life.
    Kills laughter.”

    —–

    “What have I got in my pocket?”

    —–

    suddenly his hand met what felt like a tiny ring of cold metal lying on the floor
    of the tunnel. It was a turning point in his career, but he did not know it. He put the ring in his pocket almost without thinking: certainly it did not seem of any particular use at the moment.”

    —-

    “Farewell, King Under the Mountain.
    Farewell, Thorin.”

    —–

    “The Eagles! The Eagles are coming!

    —-

    “Indeed. And how do you intend to enter Smaug’s chambers? Through the
    front gate? As a houseguest? You would be ashes before you took your
    seventh step.

    —-

    “Black arrow! You’ve never failed me,”

    —-

    ” Thief! Thief! Baggins! We hates it! Hates it! FOREVER!

    —-

    “I have chosen Mr.
    Baggins and that ought to be enough for all of you. If I say he is a
    Burglar, a Burglar he is, or will be when the time comes. There is a
    lot more in him than you guess, and a deal more than he has any idea of
    himself.”

    —-

    A sudden
    understanding, a pity mixed with horror, welled up in Bilbo’s heart: a
    glimpse of endless unmarked days without light or hope of betterment,
    hard stone, cold fish, sneaking and whispering.”

    —–

    Somehow the killing
    of the giant spider, all alone by himself in the dark without the help
    of the wizard or the dwarves or of anyone else, made a great difference
    to Mr. Baggins. He felt a different person, and much fiercer and bolder
    in spite of an empty stomach.”

    —–

    “If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold [as the hobbits do], it would be a merrier world.”

    —–

    “In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty,
    wet hole, filled with the end of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a
    dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing to sit down on or eat: it was a
    hobbit-hole, and that means comfort.”

    —-

    “What do you mean?” he said. “Do you wish me a good morning, or mean
    that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel
    good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”

    —-

    “You don’t really suppose, do you, that all your adventures and escapes were managed by mere luck, just for your sole benifit.”

    “Deep down here by the dark water lived old Gollum, a small slimy
    creature. I don’t know where he came from, nor who or what he was. He
    was Gollum – as dark as darkness, except for two big round pale eyes in
    his thin face.”

    —-

    “Sssss,” …. “Praps ye sits here and chats with it a bitsy, my
    preciousss. It like riddles, praps it does, does it?”

    “I will give you a name,” he said to it, “and I shall call you
    Sting
    .”

    —-

    “well thief! I smell you and I feel your air. I hear your breath. Come
    along! Help yourself again, there is plenty and to spare.”

    —–

    “Voiceless it cries,
    Wingless it flutters,
    Toothless it bites,
    Mouthless it mutters.”

    —-
    “You are a burgleer, go burgal something!!”

    —-

    I tell you, That the gold was only an after though with us. We came over hill and underhill, by wave and win, for REVENGE!!

    —–

    He liked visitors, but he liked to know them before they arrived, and he preferred
    to ask them himself. He had a horrible thought that the cakes might run short, and then he – as the host: he knew his duty
    and stuck to it however painful – he might have to go without.”

    —-

    ” ‘What I say,’ said Bilbo gasping. ‘And please don’t cook me, kind sirs! I am
    a good cook myself, and cook better than I cook, if you see what I mean. I’ll cook beautifully for you, a perfectly
    beautiful breakfast for you, if only you won’t have me for supper.’ “

    —-

    ” ‘Where did you go to, if I may ask?’ said Thorin to Gandalf as they rode along.

        ’To look ahead,’ said he.

        ’And what brought you back in the nick of time?’

        ’Looking behind,’ said he. “

    —-

    ” ‘Where iss it? Where iss it?’, Bilbo heard him crying. ‘Losst it is, my precious, lost, lost! Curse us and crush
    us, my precious is lost!’

    ” ‘I come from under the hill, and under the hills and over the hills my paths
    led. And through the air. I am he that walks unseen. [...] I am the clue-finder, the web-cutter, the stinging fly.
    I was chosen for the lucky number. [...] I am he that buries his friends alive and drown them and draws them alive
    again from the water. I came from the end of a bag, but no bag went over me. [...] I am the friend of bears and
    the guest of eagles. I am Ringwinner and Luckwearer; and I am Barrel-rider,’”

    —-

    “   ‘Revenge!’ he snorted; and the light in his eyes lit the hall from floor to ceiling like
    scarlet lightning. ‘Revenge! [...] I kill where I wish and none dare resist. I laid low the warriors of old and their
    like is not in the world today.”"

    —-

    “Never laugh at live dragons, Bilbo you fool!”

    —-

    It was a terrible battle. The most dreadful of Bilbo’s experiences, and the one which
    at the time he hated most.”

    —-

    All was deadly still. There was no call and no echo of a song. Sorrow seemed
    to be in the air.

        ’Victory after all I suppose!’ he [Bilbo] said, feeling his aching
    head. ‘Well it seems a very gloomy business.’ “

    —-

    The Bagginses had lived in the neighbourhood of The Hill for time out of mind,
    and people considered them very respectable, not only because most of them were very rich, but also because they never
    had any adventures or did anything unexpected: you could tell what a Baggins would say on any question without the
    bother of asking him.”

    —-

    ” ‘I will take your gift, O Bilbo the Magnificent!’, said the King gravely.
    ‘And I name you elf-friend and blessed.”

    —-

    “‘There is more in you of good than you know, child of the kindly West. Some courage and some wisdom, blended in measure.”

    In short Bilbo was ‘Presumed Dead’, and not everybody that say so was sorry to find
    their presumption wrong.”

    “”Indeed Bilbo found he had lost more than spoons – he had lost his reputation. It is
    true that forever after he remained an elf-friend, and had the honours of dwarves, wizards, and all such folk as
    ever passed that way; but he was no longer quite respectable. He was in fact held by all the hobbits of the neighbourhood
    to be ‘queer’”

    —-

    “We are plain quiet folk and have no use for adventures. Nasty disturbing
    uncomfortable things! Make you late for dinner! I can’t think what anybody sees in them,”

    —-

    What has roots as nobody sees,

    Is taller than trees,

          Up, up it goes,

          And yet never grows?”

    —-

    “Far over the misty mountains cold

    To dungeons deep and caverns old

    We must away ere break of day

    To seek the pale enchanted gold.


    Chip the glasses and crack the plates!
    Blunt the knives and bend the forks!
    That’s what Bilbo hates

    —-

    “You are a fine person, Mr Baggins, and I am very fond of you; but you
    are only quite a little fellow in a wide world after all!”

    “Thank goodness!” said Bilbo laughing, and handed him the
    tobacco-jar.

    ———————————————-
    ———————————————-
    ———————————————-

    There and Back Again is my favorite book. These quotes illustrate why. Many of them I remember by heart. People think Lord of the Rings is the masterpiece but in truth this was the true unparalleled work of literary art.  In a world where the only fantasy was fairy tales about stupid kids being cooked in an oven or a girl with ridiculously long hair, Tolkein introduced us to a world of dragons and elves and dwarfs and goblins and trolls. A land of magic and mysticism. Rather than princes and princesses we met the creature Gollum wallowing in the dark and the great wizard Gandalf with all his might and wisdom. We met Elrond and Thorin and the Eagles and the Spiders and the Trolls. And of course the terrifying mighty Smaug, who taught us all what it meant to be born into the glorious power of dragonhood.

    And through it all we travel along side the wonderful middle aged hobit named Bilbo who never wanted adventure and just wanted to live out his life peacefully. A eminently sensible and reasonable fellow, down to earth and full of very real feelings of self doubt and fear and hesitation, but showing so much courage as the adeventures find him and he is forced to go along with it, that we grow to love him for it.

    It is a story of becoming and growing up and becoming bigger than your origins. Bilbo is the greatest hero in fantasy history. Maybe the greatest hero in literature. And as book, The Hobbit is truly a masterpiece for the ages.

    There is no equal.

    I just answered this Featured Question, you can answer it too!

  • Anger Thresholds

    Here’s a theory. Everyone has a
    different sort of anger threshold. For some that threshold is really
    low. It doesn’t take much to make them angry and they show it pretty
    quickly in whatever manner they usually demonstrate their anger, be it
    through ranting or raging or going cold and silent or being cruel and
    nasty or smashing things or slamming doors or whatever.  For others the
    threshold is really high. It takes a lot to get them angry and
    circumstances that seem like they would piss them off just don’t seem
    to phase them. They don’t show anger very often if at all because they
    are rarely pushed to it.

    That much isn’t particularly
    interesting, but let’s think about how people with various anger
    thresholds are likely to interact with the world when they realize
    where they stand on the continuum of anger thresholds. This is an
    interesting question because I think most people are well aware of
    whether they are quick to anger or of the less excitable type.

    In
    my observations, the low anger threshold types tend to dislike the
    frequency of their tendency to express anger. As a consequence they
    tend to try and suppress their outward expressions of their anger. When
    something ticks them off, inside they immediately blaze up in anger,
    but they clamp it down with an iron will and try not to show it.  This
    is in large part because society tends to not treat people kindly who
    are too quick to get angry. Often, in order to be successful, you need
    to not appear as a person who quickly grows angry at things that others
    perceive as not being too big a deal. On top of that, most people tend
    to easily become hurt or upset when someone becomes angry at them
    thinking that the person is judging them. So the low anger threshold
    person who probably doesn’t intend to or feel good about hurting others
    with their anger and probably wants to be successful will do what he or
    she can to appear less angry than they actually are.

    Of course,
    what happens when someone who is easily made angry spends so much
    energy trying not to appear angry? Why it makes them angrier of
    course!  It must be extremely annoying to try and suppress your nature,
    to conform to the opinions and perceptions of others just to make them
    happy. Maybe at first it doesn’t bother you, but after living that
    double life for a while it will build up and make you extremely
    annoyed.

    Fairly frequently, quick-to-anger folks intuitively
    come up with an ingenious solution to this problem. They tend to find
    and become close to people with whom they feel comfortable expressing
    their anger and whom they feel won’t judge them harshly because of it. 
    Then they take out their anger on those people in private whilst
    maintaining an outward facade of never or at least less frequently
    getting angry. This isn’t done out of a desire to cause harm or to use
    the person at whom they are expressing their anger. Rather, it is the
    natural consequence of the very human need to find a balance in one’s
    life in a world that rejects fiery tempers out of hand. The more one is
    forced to behave in a manner that is unnatural to them the more likely
    the are to seek some sort of outlet wherein they can be themselves
    again. That’s human nature.

    Those who are slow to anger on the
    other hands develop a different attitude toward their anger tendencies
    and act in a different manner to compensate.  A high-threshold person
    will fairly frequently develop a fear of the very thought of his or her
    own anger threshold ever being breached. Having so little experience
    being angry, one tends to not trust themselves and to fear what one
    might do, what harm they might cause, if they were ever to get angry.

    As a result a person with a high-threshold will probably act in the
    exact opposite manner to the actions of the low-threshold person. The
    people with whom they are close will be the last ones they would allow
    to see their angry side. Most often these persons will never allow
    themselves to show their anger except when they are completely alone
    and isolated, or if they cannot engineer such a situation they will
    release their anger amongst strangers before they allow themselves to
    express it with friends and family. When something breaches their anger
    threshold or even if they start to see that something has become close
    to breaching it while they are around someone they care about, their
    instinctive reaction is to withdraw, to run away, to escape, to be by
    themselves or become surrounded by others whom they care about a lot
    less. They will become quiet and withdrawn if they cannot find a
    recourse to escape and will focus all of their mental energies onto
    keeping a hold of their temper until an opportunity arises where they
    can release it without fear of letting someone they care about become
    acquainted with this person that they become when their anger is upon
    them.

    The low-threshold person will generally require a few close connections
    to keep them entirely sane, but they will probably have very high
    standards for who becomes such a connection. The person with whom they
    entrust with the angrier part of their personality will have to be
    someone that they consider trustworthy, it can’t just be anyone. But
    whomever they do become close to, they will likely choose to become as
    close as possible with that person, not holding anything back once the
    person has demonstrated that they can be trusted and that they will not
    reject them for their anger. But always there will be a little bit of
    fear that those close persons might reject them anyway one day. That
    the next time they get angry, the person might just decide that they
    don’t want to deal with them anymore. That’s the fear that keeps them
    from formulating new close connections and it is the fear that haunts
    them when they interact with the ones they are already close to.

    In contrast the high-threshold  person is likely to find it less risky
    to formulate close connections or connections of any kind for that
    matter. So they are likely to form a lot of them and not hold them to
    any prerequisite tests before they allow the persons to become close to
    them. Connections are trusted implicitly and don’t have to prove it
    before they become close. However, a high-threshold person will likely
    try not to become too close to any of the people with whom they become
    connected. There is a need there to be able to quickly terminate or
    temporarily withdraw from a connection should the high-threshold person
    start to feel that they will be unable to keep their angry side in
    check around that person.  And should the high threshold person
    formulate close connections that will be difficult or impossible to
    terminate, one can expect the person to be forever a little bit afraid
    that they might not be able to keep back that part of themselves that
    only comes out in those rare instances where their anger threshold is
    breached from the persons with whom they are close. The fear then is
    that those close connections will see that other side of them, become
    shocked and appalled and reject them out of hand. That fear would haunt
    their efforts to develop deep connections.

    So one type of person doesn’t ever fully trust anyone else.  The other
    type of person doesn’t ever fully trust themselves. It’s a little sad. 

    What does all this mean for all of us regular people? Well it means
    that you might as well get used to dealing with anger, because there’s
    a good chance you will encounter a lot of people getting angry at you
    for no explicable reason in your lifetime. Strangers will explode at
    you for no reason when they are avoiding demonstrating that anger to
    others they care about. Close ones will rage at you as a means of
    release because you are the person that they trust enough to get angry
    at. You can’t escape it. You just accept it.

    Can you change your anger threshold? I’m sure it is possible. But it
    wouldn’t be an easy or quick process by any means. Likely it would take
    a lot of effort to try and give yourself a more balanced aspect. Also,
    a lot of the things we do when we think we are trying to change our
    anger threshold, like holding back our anger from strangers or close
    ones probably isn’t really changing our threshold at all. We are
    moderating the behaviors associated with the angers but not controlling
    the underlying causes that make us either too quick or too slow to come
    to our anger. Identifying what those causes are is the trick. That’s
    the key.

    Anyway, in case you are wondering which I am… well I’ve always
    thought of myself as a high-threshold anger person. I do frequently try
    and escape when things really deeply upset and find outlets where I can
    rant without anyone I know being around to see it. Others have also
    remarked to me in the past that nothing seems to really upset me very
    much and that I don’t ever get angry.   But that’s not the whole story
    really. When I think about it, its totally true that events and people
    rarely make me angry. Even terrible travesties of justice I have
    observed don’t really make me rage, nor cruelty, nor incompetence, nor
    uncontrolled natural disasters, nor random bad luck.  I sometimes
    ‘rant’ about these things in writing, but I’m not angry. There’s no
    heat or coldness inside me in my reaction to these things. It’s more of
    an inquisitiveness. I just wonder why they came to pass, I don’t become
    disgusted or appalled.

    However, I do have a low anger-threshold with respect to one thing.
    Myself. I get angry at myself very very easily. Any little thing that I
    do wrong can make me want to scream or rage or beak something. A red
    haze covers my eyes. I burn with the self disgust and repulsion. And it
    takes a long time for me to get over that anger if I ever do. I still
    have memories of stupid little mistakes from my childhood that haunt
    me. I constantly remember them. I can’t seem to put them out of my
    head. Whenever I do something I dislike, I become angry about the whole
    sum total of errors I’ve made throughout my life. They all come back to
    me and I want to hurt something or somebody.  It’s a very strange
    feeling.

    So I guess I exist on both ends of the spectrum a the same time. I
    guess that gives me a little bit of a unique perspective.  Anyway, that
    just means I’ve got a lot of work to do in changing myself. I’d better
    get cracking.

  • SIN

    This may well be my most offensive post yet to some. And although I may sound angry, I’m not. I don’t get angry that easily. Anyway, you were warned…

    So a “debate” is raging in response to one of the featured pots on the issue of gay marriage. I say debate quite loosely because it is  quite a disturbing debacle to behold. 300+ posts, much of it so ridiculous that it is enough to make anyone rage in frustration.

    When I first heard the issue of gay marriage come up in the news I was absolutely shocked! I think I may have blogged about it back then but I can’t remember. Anyway, the whole thing was just simply unbelievable to me. I could not comprehend the idea that people were even arguing about it. It never occurred to me that anyone would think that gay marriage was wrong. Well, I always knew that there would be some people, but surely they would be on the fringe, not the mainstream. Just like you wouldn’t expect most people to still say that black people or women ought to be denied the right to vote, or to argue that the world is flat. Not in this day and age, I thought. 

    Maybe it’s because I was raised to accept people and let them live their lives as they please. It isn’t a matter for others to impose their will upon anyone else about how they can and can’t lead their lives simply because we don’t like it. You need a damned good reason to stop someone from doing something, like when the health and well being of others is at stake.

    And I just couldn’t and can’t see the argument for it. Where’s the harm that is done by being homosexual? Who is hurt by it? How does society suffer from giving them the same rights and recognitions as anybody else? I didn’t get it. I don’t get it still.

    One argument, perhaps the core argument that frequently appeared in this blog argument is one that greatly repulses me. It is the argument that homosexuality is a SIN in accordance with the word of GOD. If you disagree that homosexuality is wrong then you are disagreeing with God Himself.  That’s how the argument goes.

    To which I just have to reply…

    Yep!

    I’m disagreeing with God. If God exists and that’s what God is saying I’ll happily disagree. I think He is quite incorrect and all my reasoning capacity and rationality and wit leads me to believe that he is wrong. In no way that I have been able to stretch my mind am I able to see how homosexuality is inherently wrong. It just doesn’t make any sense to me. It’s ridiculous.

    So if I say “I’ll be damned before I accept the notion that homosexuality is inherently wrong”, I mean that quite literally.  And I’ve got no problem with that. I’ll sit there on Judgment day and after I get over my awe and shock at being in the presence of the awesome beauty and power of God. I’ll say something like this.

    “Ummm… Sir. I’m honored to meet you and all and don’t think I’m ungrateful for your saving my immortal soul and all that. But can I ask you something? Were you really serious about all that anti-homosexuality garbage in the bible?”

    Because unless I hear it out of the horse’s mouth there isn’t anything that I have yet been able to imagine that could convince me. Certainly all of the arguments I have ever heard have been really really really bad. I mean GOD AWFUL (pun intended). 

    And if He says to me that yes he was serious and that it is wrong, I’ll ask Him why. And I tell you, he’d better have a damn good argument. Maybe He will. Maybe he’ll have some killer argument that makes me say “Oh my God, I never thought about it that way! Now I see the error in my ways!”   I’d be fine with that. If its an argument I can understand with my own heart and mind I’ll gladly accept it and recant my previous objections. A little part of me might wonder why he didn’t put that brilliant argument in his stupid book and save us all a lot of trouble. But fine, I’ll accept it.

    But if the best he can come up with is “Because I said so”, I just won’t accept it. I don’t accept that kind of cheesy argument from my younger brother, from my friends, from strangers, or from anyone else. I’m certainly going to hold God to AT LEAST that high a standard. He’s got to have a reason why homosexuality is wrong. One that he can explain to me and that I can understand. None of that “I’m so beyond the minds of you puny mortals” garbage.
    And He can smite me tomorrow for saying all this. And He can happily cast me down into the fiery pits of Hell and I’ll happily burn for all eternity for it believing that I am totally in the right. I’ll be laughing at the vindictive sonofabitch on the inside, in between the screams of eternal torment.

    Unless He can convince me, or somebody can, I’m not buying it. And no God who condemns me for trusting my own reasoning is a God that I want to believe in. If He’s real. Oh well. I’m still going to base my believe on reason and knowledge, not just because somebody, anybody, even God, says so.

    Do you see what I’m saying? I’m not going to argue that the Bible is being misinterpreted or misread or mistranslated or anything like that, though it probably is all of those things. I’m arguing that even if it is dead on exactly word for word the exact literal truth that God wants to portray to mankind, I’d still reject it. And I think everybody else should too, if your reason tells you otherwise. I mean really, why would you believe God over yourself? Unless it is because you are afraid. And again, any God who rules by way of fear of fiery torment is no God I want any part of.  To hell with Him, I say.

    And not only that, I just think that the modern era has no place for those who put their faith over their reason. That’s something for a bygone era before we became the peoples that can travel through the sky and to the stars and change our genetic code and destroy the planet with our weaponry. We just don’t have time for it anymore.  We have real problems. BIG problems. They need to be solved. God isn’t going to come down from on high any time soon and tell us how to get out of Iraq or stop global warming any more than he is likely to tell he how to get my dream job or a perfect mate. We have to do it ourselves. And that means open minds. Reasoning minds who think about the consequences of each principle we choose to adopt or reject on its merits, not because it coincides to some words in a dusty old book.

    It’s high time we stopped being so polite and cordial about this issue. The argument that it is because it comes from God’s word is not a viable argument. It isn’t even entirely sane. We should reject it wholeheartedly. If a preacher starts preaching anti-homosexual rhetoric, the entire church should rise up and reject him or her for their hate speech. If a politician starts advocating laws that are biased against homosexuality, they should be booted out of office.

    I’m not saying all this to be mean or rude to the people who disagree. I know how hard it is to change an opinion you’ve been raised under, a tradition that is ingrained in you. I’m just saying you need to have a better argument than “it’s a SIN, God said so”.  And if you can’t come up with a better argument. Seriously reconsider your holding of that belief in the first place. Maybe its time you join the rest of humanity in living in the present and believing in ourselves rather than some book. 

    Don’t worry. At least we’ll all be burning together.