December 26, 2007

• Responding

  Sometimes, I’m really terrible with responding to people. In this blog there have dozens of responses to my posts that I have not responded to at all. I’ve gotten messages too in xanga that I have not really reacted too either. It isn’t that I don’t appreciate or care about these responses nor is it that I don’t have anythng to say. I both want and need to respond. I just don’t do it. I’m not entirely sure why.

  Likewise there have been plenty of other people’s blog entries that I have really wanted to respond to, but have not gotten around to it. I don’t even take the time to drop a simple note of support or praise for those whose blogs indicate that they need it. I just don’t do it sometimes, despite the fact that most of the time I want to. It’s terrible. I know.

  It isn’t just blogs too. There are lots of emails I’ve gotten where someone goes into a great deal of depth to explain or describe something to me and I am greatly appreciative of the person taking the time to write so much to me and I often feel as if I have a lot that  want to say in response. I just don’t. I don’t reply. I tell myself I will. That I am going to interact with the person and write an interesting detailed email, but I just don’t do it.

  It gets worse. There have been times when people have called me and I just never called them back. They leave voice messages, sometimes several. I don’t even make the slightest effort to respond. There have been letters too I’ve ignored, and invitations as well. There have also been times when I thought someone was reaching out to ask me for my help and I’ve just totally ignored them, even when they are people I care about.

  So if it seems like I’ve ignored you or are ignoring you please don’t take offense. It isn’t you. I’m like this with everyone sometimes. I just don’t respond very well. I don’t interact vey well.  I don’t know what to say or how to say it and so I keep putting  it off until I can come up with the right words… only they never come.  And I hate that feeling of not knowing how best to handle a situation.

  Also, far too often when I do respond, I feel quite disgusted with the nature and impact of my response. Far too often I feel as if I am alienating people I don’t want to alienate when I respond. Sometimes I feel like I am burning bridges before they have even been built.

  So instead there are times when I just avoid responding altogether. I go silent. I ignore people. It’s a defense mechanism of course to avoid awkwardness and disappointment.

  And yet it doesn’t work of course. In the end I end up just feeling guilty about not responding and that makes me afeel all the more awkard and disappointed.

  So maybe my new years resolution should be  to be more responsive.

  • 2:21 am
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