April 17, 2008

• In Another Life

  In another life I think I would have been a chatterbox. People who know
  me know that I talk very little and very cautiously. I weigh my words
  before I speak and often go into long brooding silences. I never
  learned the art of casual communication about nothing. Smalltalk is an
  alien thing that I have to try really hard to engage in and it doesn’t
  come easily. When I do do it, it feels like I’m pretending.

  But there’s another side of me too. When I get really comfortable
  around people they find me talking more and more forcefully. Not just
  about anything, but about subjects I care about I get off into a “rant”
  and I can go on and on about it to the point that I never let the other
  person get a word in edgewise. These experiences are rare. And after my
  rant is over I soon blanket myself again in thoughtful silence.

  Online provides greater evidence of my chatterbox soul. I write long
  winding rambling blog posts, like this, bouncing from idea to idea,
  from thought to thought without hardly a single pause to really
  consider what I am saying or why I am saying it. And my emails, for
  those few entrusted enough to receive them, are even worse! I can say a
  lot in those rambling missives. Sometimes I don’t think about what I’m
  saying. I blurt it out in writing just as I feel it. Sometimes I say
  stuff that gets me into trouble. Sometimes I say stuff that I meant at
  the time I wrote it, but stopped feeling or feeling as much five
  minutes later. But that’s too late to stop it from disturbing or
  offending.

  And IMs I can be even worse. I
  can ramble on and on in response to someone’s chatting with me. I tell
  my stories. I ramble on stating my opinion even when the person didn’t
  ask for it and doesn’t necessarily care what I think.  And not just my
  opinions or my thoughts. I say all kinds of stuff. Sometimes I’ve
  excessively apologetic, other times overly aggressive.  And it’s at its
  worst the more upset I am. When something is bothering me a great deal
  and I chat with you, you will find that I can’t seem to shut up or
  pause for an instance. I just go on and on. Furthermore, if I am upset,
  I tend to bug people to chat more often than I ought to. Whenever they
  are online, I try to message them and engage them in conversation all
  to fulfill that need to communicate.

  I’m not always like this online. But I am far more often than anyone
  would suspect who has interacted with me in person. It’s not
  unreasonable then to suspect that in another world I could have been
  this way in real life too.

  The chatterbox variant of me also has certain other interesting
  characteristics to him. You know who my favorite hero characters in
  stories tend to be? (heroines are a different matter and would take too
  long to explore)  Usually it’s the “wise-cracking” hero.  That is the
  ones who in the midst of stress or struggle, manages to come up with a
  witty phrase or clever turn of the tongue either verbally or in
  internal dialog.  Example include Spiderman, Nightcrawler (X-Men), Mat
  Cauthon (WoT), Ned (Ysabel), Rafael (tmnt), Bumblebee (transformers),
  Sokka (avatar), . The list goes on and on. These are characters who see
  the world around them as somewhat ironic, strange and funny. They like
  to twist things and shift things and make people laugh or rather,
  primarily to amuse themselves and ward off their own darkness and fear.

  I could see chatterbox variant of me being a little like that too.
  Sometimes on IMs and on forums or blog responses, I do respond in a
  somewhat witty and non-serious way even to serious matters. Sometimes I
  do just joke for no reason at all and sometimes I describe things that
  have happened to me in life as a funny story when in truth I find it
  all too unfunny. 

  But in person, I’m not like this at all. I rarely have a funny phrase
  to say. Oft, my jokes attempted fall flat, are misinterpreted, or even
  offend. Sometimes I do think of the perfect response, but I do so 60
  seconds later, far after the conversation has already moved on to other
  things.

  Chatterbox me has a darker side too. You see, he would also be like
  those bitter villain characters who look upon everyone around them with
  a kind of disgust filled scorn. Chatterbox me would say things to
  people with a smile on his face that are bitterly caustic and biting
  and designed specifically to hurt people. These things chatterbox me
  would say are just a manifestation of the inner thoughts he has, the
  constantly running dialog flowing through his head wherein he sees all
  others as inadequate, stupid, and just generally absurd. It’s the flip
  side of the wise-cracking hero. Same observations, just with a darker
  twist and a employed with a more vindictive aim. This part of
  chatterbox me wants, I think, to hurt people sometimes. It makes him
  feel better.

  I know this me could have existed because I see these things in me
  sometimes. At work, at times, I find myself thinking dark thoughts
  about my coworkers. Cruel and vicious my mind’s imaginings. And as I
  walk down the street or travel to the store, there’s ever a clever
  witicism that comes to mind that goes unspoken. And online, I write and
  write and write. A neverending flow of meandering ramblings and rants
  about anything and everything that comes to mind.  

  So maybe in another world chatterbox me does exist. He’s exactly as I
  am only he just won’t ever stfu. Exactly like me except he hates
  silence just as much as I thrive on it.

  I sort of want to meet this chatterbox me one day. I want to get in a room alone with him….

  And then I’ll beat the crap out of him!!! And hence forth prove that this me who is me is the best me that there could be!

  But maybe I won’t just leave his broken body for the vultures. I’ll
  absorb his powers ala Rogue like and call forth the chatterbox me from
  time to time when the need arises. And then I’ll be still just as
  perfect me, but with an extra super power on the side. Personality
  metamorphosis. How cool would that be?

  • 4:02 am
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