tenNIsFJ  and rianahntr both took this personality test thing and posted their results on their xanga highlighting how accurate the results seemed to them. So I’m jumping on the bandwagon and doing the same thing!  Let’s everybody else do it too! Start a chain reaction!

I’ve actually taken a number of these tests, they’re all over the place. I usually come up with INFP, but occasionally I show up as INTP. The one they are using is located here: http://similarminds.com/   And descriptions can be found here: http://personalitypage.com/portraits.html

Introverted (I) 79.41% Extroverted (E) 20.59%
Intuitive (N) 85.19% Sensing (S) 14.81%
Feeling (F) 53.85% Thinking (T) 46.15%
Perceiving (P) 80.77% Judging (J) 19.23%

So yeah I’m obviously very very I, N and P. The I and the P make sense to me. I’ve even taken tests where I’ve gotten 100% on those before. I don’t judge people at all and I’ve yet to meet anyone who was more introverted than me. I am definitely way more intuitive than other people too but I do value knowledge that I obtain through the senses a lot too. It’s just that my senses aren’t so good. That’s why I tend toward my intuition.

Feeling and Thinking I’m pretty much down the middle on. I care about and utilize both equally.

Here’s the description from personalityportrait:

Portrait of an INFP – Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving
(Introverted Feeling with Extraverted Intuition)

---

The Idealist

As an INFP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you
deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into
your personal value system. Your secondary mode is external, where you take
things in primarily via your intuition.[Makes sense, I'm definitely more internal than external.]

INFPs, more than other iNtuitive Feeling types, are focused on making the
world a better place for people. Their primary goal is to find out their
meaning in life. What is their purpose? How can they best serve humanity
in their lives? [Yeah that's why I studied so much Philosophy. Waste of time.] They are idealists and perfectionists [I'm not a perfectionist], who drive themselves
hard in their quest for achieving the goals they have identified for themselves

INFPs are highly intuitive about people. They rely heavily on their
intuitions to guide them, and use their discoveries to constantly search
for value in life. They are on a continuous mission to find the truth
and meaning underlying things. Every encounter and every piece of knowledge
gained gets sifted through the INFP’s value system, and is evaluated
to see if it has any potential to help the INFP define or refine their
own path in life. The goal at the end of the path is always the same –
the INFP is driven to help people and make the world a better place.

Generally thoughtful and considerate, INFPs are good listeners and put
people at ease. Although they may be reserved in expressing emotion,
they have a very deep well of caring and are genuinely interested in
understanding people. This sincerity is sensed by others, making the
INFP a valued friend and confidante. An INFP can be quite warm with
people he or she knows well.

INFPs do not like conflict, and go to great lengths to avoid it. If they
must face it, they will always approach it from the perspective of their
feelings. In conflict situations, INFPs place little importance on who
is right and who is wrong. They focus on the way that the conflict makes
them feel, and indeed don’t really care whether or not they’re right.
They don’t want to feel badly. This trait sometimes makes them appear
irrational and illogical in conflict situations. On the other hand,
INFPs make very good mediators, and are typically good at solving other
people’s conflicts [I constantly try, but I don't think I'm that successful at it], because they intuitively understand people’s
perspectives and feelings, and genuinely want to help them.

INFPs are flexible and laid-back, until one of their values is violated.
In the face of their value system being threatened, INFPs can become
aggressive defenders, fighting passionately for their cause. When an INFP
has adopted a project or job which they’re interested in, it usually
becomes a “cause” for them. Although they are not detail-oriented
individuals, they will cover every possible detail with determination and
vigor when working for their “cause”.

When it comes to the mundane details of life maintenance, INFPs are typically
completely unaware of such things. They might go for long periods without
noticing a stain on the carpet, but carefully and meticulously brush a speck
of dust off of their project booklet.

INFPs do not like to deal with hard facts and logic. Their focus on their
feelings and the Human Condition makes it difficult for them to deal
with impersonal judgment. They don’t understand or believe in the
validity of impersonal judgment, which makes them naturally rather
ineffective at using it. Most INFPs will avoid impersonal analysis,
although some have developed this ability and are able to be quite logical.
Under stress, it’s not uncommon for INFPs to mis-use hard logic in the
heat of anger, throwing out
fact after (often inaccurate) fact in an emotional outburst.[I don't know, don't get angry very often, so I haven't seen this side of me come out. But I'm usually pretty rational. I just don't judge people at all.]

INFPs have very high standards and are perfectionists. Consequently, they
are usually hard on themselves, and don’t give themselves enough credit.
INFPs may have problems working on a project in a group, because their
standards are likely to be higher than other members’ of the group.
In group situations, they may have a “control” problem. The INFP needs
to work on balancing their high ideals with the requirements of every day
living. Without resolving this conflict, they will never be happy with
themselves, and they may become confused and paralyzed about what to do
with their lives. [What the heck am I supposed to be doing with my life?]

INFPs are usually talented writers. [Haha I HOPE this is true!]They may be awkard and uncomfortable
with expressing themselves verbally, but have a wonderful ability to
define and express what they’re feeling on paper. INFPs also appear
frequently in social service professions, such as counselling or teaching. [lol, I'm a Computer Programmer! What!?!]
They are at their best in situations where they’re working towards the
public good, and in which they don’t need to use hard logic.[I would die in an environment where no one uses logic]

INFPs who function in their well-developed sides can accomplish great and
wonderful things, which they will rarely give themselves credit for.
Some of the great, humanistic catalysts in the world have been INFPs.

Excerpt From Careers Section:

The INFP is a special, sensitive individual who needs a career which is more
than a job. The INFP needs to feel that everything they do in their lives
is in accordance with their strongly-felt value systems, and is moving
them and/or others in a positive, growth-oriented direction.
They are driven to do something meaningful and purposeful with their lives.
The INFP will be happiest in careers which allow them to live their daily
lives in accordance with their values, [This is why I hated my last job and the one before it. I felt I was being forced to live contrary to my values] and which work towards the greater
good of humanity. It’s worth mentioning that nearly all of the truly great
writers in the world have been INFPs. [Kick ass!]

Possible Career Paths for the INFP:

• Writers
  
• Counselors / Social Workers
• Teachers / Professors
• Psychologists
• Psychiatrists
• Musicians
  
• Clergy / Religious Workers
  

Excerpts from the Relationships Section:

INFPs present a calm, pleasant face to the world. They appear to be tranquil and peaceful to
others, with simple desires. In fact, the INFP internally feels his or her life intensely.
In the relationship arena, this causes them to have a very deep capacity for love and caring
which is not frequently found with such intensity in the other types. The INFP does not
devote their
intense feelings towards just anyone, and are relatively reserved about expressing their
inner-most feelings. They reserve their deepest love and caring for a select few who
are closest to them. INFPs are generally laid-back, supportive and nurturing in their
close relationships. [...snip...] INFPs are usually adaptable
and congenial, unless one of their ruling principles has been violated, in which
case they stop adapting and become staunch defenders of their values. They will be
uncharacteristically harsh and rigid in such a situation. [If someone really wrongs me, I've been known to cut them out entirely.]

Strengths:

• Warmly concerned and caring towards others
• Sensitive and perceptive about what others are feeling
• Loyal and committed – they want lifelong relationships
• Deep capacity for love and caring
• Driven to meet other’s needs
  
• Strive for “win-win” situations
  
• Nurturing, supportive and encouraging
• Likely to recognize and appreciate other’s need for space
  
• Able to express themselves well
  
• Flexible and diverse

Weaknesses:

• May [Does] tend to be shy and reserved
• Don’t like to have their “space” invaded
  
• Extreme dislike of conflict
• Extreme dislike of criticism
• Strong need to receive praise and positive affirmation
• May react very emotionally to stressful situations
• Have difficulty leaving a bad relationship
• Have difficulty scolding or punishing others
• Tend to be reserved about expressing their feelings
• Perfectionistic tendancies may cause them to not give themselves enough credit
• Tendency to blame themselves for problems, and hold everything on their own shoulders

INFPs feels tremendous loyalty and commitment to their relationships.
With the Feeling preference dominating their personality, harmony
and warm feelings are central to the INFP’s being. They feel a need
to be in a committed, loving relationship. If they are not involved
in such a relationship, the INFP will be either actively searching for
one, or creating one in their own minds. [lol, This makes me sound delusional]

INFPs are not naturally interested in administrative matters such as
bill-paying and house-cleaning, but they can be very good at performing
these tasks when they must. They can be really good money managers
when they apply themselves. [Nope, cuz I keep giving my money away]

INFPs are very aware of their own space, and the space of others. They
value their personal space, and the freedom to do their own thing. They will
cherish the mate who sees the INFP for who they are, and respects their
unique style and perspectives. The INFP is not likely to be overly
jealous or possessive, and is likely to respect their mate’s privacy and
independence. In fact, the INFP is likely to not only respect their
mate’s perspectives and goals, but to support them with loyal firmness.

INFP’s natural partner is the
ENFJ, or the
ESFJ.
INFP’s dominant function of Introverted Feeling is best matched with a
partner whose dominant function is Extraverted Feeling. The INFP/ENFJ
combination is ideal, because it shares the Sensing way of perceiving, but
the INFP/ESFJ combination is also a good match.

INFPs are “natural” parents. They accept and enjoy the parental role, seeing it
as the natural extension of their value systems. They make use of the parental
role for developing and defining their values further, and consider it their task
to pass their values on to their children. They take their role quite seriously.
Warm, affirming, and flexible, the INFP generally makes a gentle and easy-going
parent in many respects.

The INFP parent is likely to value their children as individuals, and to give them
room for growth. They will let the children have their own voice and place in the
family.

INFPs are warm and caring individuals who highly value authenticity and depth
in their personal relationships. They are usually quite perceptive about
other people’s feelings and motives, and are consequently able to get along
with all sorts of different people. However, the INFP will keep their true selves
reserved from others except for a select few, with whom they will form close and
lasting friendships. With their high ideals, they are likely to
be drawn to other iNtuitive Feelers for their closer friendships.

With their strong need for harmony and dislike of conflict, INFPs may feel
threatened by people with strong Judging and Thinking preferences.
Although they’re
likely to be able to work well professionally with such individuals, they
may have difficulty accepting or appreciating them on a personal level.
They generally feel a kinship and affinity with other Feeling types.

INFP For The Win! W00T!  

What type are you?

I guarantee you this post will make absolutely no sense to anyone but me. But what else is new?

The test is inadequate and irrational because it perpetuates a preference for data structures that are impoverished. The classical test orders entities hierarchically and usually linearly and through that linear ordering allows individuals to make comparisons and establish preference orderings. A linear data structure only allows for one comparator and most testing linear data structures usually use either trivial comparators, that is those that create equi-distant partitions between metric points, or vague undefined and often inexplicable comparators. Ie a tester might say entity A scores higher than entity B and not be able to really explain what exactly makes entity A’s score higher. Worse, on occasion tests are so poorly defined that the entity relationships result in breaking rules of transitivity, associativity, or commutativity. ie you might have a person institute a test that results in entity A being superior to entity B and entity B being superior to entity C but then entity C being superior to entity A!

There is nothing fundamentally wrong with that of course, it’s just that such a design often invalidates the use for which the test ideology was investigated in the first place, namely to help the test implementer to make *decisions* or create favorable outcomes. The problem is, decision making tries to be too concrete. It’s an over simplification of the phenomenon at hand. Rather, we need to model the data with more complex data structures that package entity characteristics together in independent functional units that interrelate through well defined messages and interfaces. These advances data structures can then be compared holistically and valued for their intrinsic qualities without the need to establish absolute orderings between then. Indeed any absolute ordering would become virtually meaningless because the entities themselves would have so much depth to them that stating the ordering would just be in all ways less useful toward whatever end you are trying to achieve than digging into the interface of the entities you are trying to examine individually.

Ordering is possible with complex data structures if you really desire it, though it rarely has utility. However the orders you get can be managed along multiple comparator vectors all at once creating a web of relationship between variable characteristics within the entities being compared. A richer picture arises of the nature of the relationship at hand enabling users to develop a deeper understanding of all related entities.

So why then do we insist on privileging these simplistic data structures so much? Every institution struggles to find the best “tests” to pass judgment on the entities in their purvue and individuals devise tests to establish preferences in their daily living. It’s a means of oversimplifying reality to justify predetermined judgments often based on irrational constraints.

But biggest problem tests have is not their simplicity or our over-obsessive devotion to them. It’s that tests ahve a problem of introducing unpredictable uncertainties into systems. Since tests are not independent, detached, observations they do not keep the system pristine. Rather they are integrated within the system, the entities “take” the tests either knowingly or unknowingly but in any case their behavioral trends may shift as a consquence of the “test” being introduced into the system. They might act differently than they would have had their been no test in the first place! And we all know that by adding stress to any system we can inadvertently change the destiny of the system occupants. And usually, almost always, that shift is for the worse (though sometimes you do get lucky).

So overall…

In the anime Azumanga Daioh my favorite character by a large margin is “Osaka”. 

Now most would describe Osaka as well… dumb. 
She constantly seems out of focus, off the mark, and just very very
slow. She takes a long time to respond to anything and her responses
are often wildly inappropriate and totally incomprehensible to the
people around her. The conversation will be about one thing and she’ll
say something that has absolutely nothing to do with it. 

While
sitting in class she daydreams. Her mind wanders from random wild
thought to random wild thought or odd fascination.  One day her head is
lolling back and forth because she’s trying to follow those color spots
that appear before her eyes sometimes. Another day she sits in the new
classroom she just transferred into and in a moment of self examination
she thinks about how in her previous school she was told she needs to
focus and get it together.

And she thinks..

“Tomorrow I will get it together”

“get it together”

“get it together”

“get it together”

“get it together”

“get it together”


And thus goes her thoughts for that day.

Hmm.
So why do I like Osaka?   Well besides the fact that she is hilarious
and the interactions between her and Chiyo are amongst the funniest
parts of the series, there’s also the fact that, well, she reminds me
of me!

And of course I don’t think she’s dumb either.

I’m just like her in a lot of
ways.  I’ve always been a daydreamer. I often space out. Often my
thought are well… off. I’m not thinking about what everyone else is
thinking about or the thoughts I am having about the subject at hand
are somewhat unusual.

Unusual how you ask? 

Well
think about how Osaka dreams of detaching Chiyo’s pig tails off and
connecting to them to her head and flying away. Or about how her pig
tails are actually mind controlling devices that have taken over
Chiyo’s personality?

Yeah… it’s a little like that.

Here’s
a recent example. The other day I was at a dinner at a German
restaurant.  Let me share with you a fragment of my wandering thoughts.
It takes the form of an inner dialog.

“You
know, this really is an efficient seating arrangement for the side of
the party. We’re all sitting together but effectively we are bifurcated
into two groups due to nothing more than the size of the party. Why do
we always use rectangular seating arrangements? Hmm… Is there a
better way? Well let’s see, a Square works damn good for 4 people. Each
entity can communicate comfortably with each of the other three
persons. a 2×2 square is also really good. It isn’t quite as
comfortable to communicate with the person directly next to you but nor
is it particularly uncomfortable. So that gives each entity six people
they can communicate with comfortable and 1 person with whom you can
communicate semi-comfortably.  In addition since society tends to favor
paired connections the 8-entity square is particularly effective.

But
a larger square. It starts to fall apart.  Because the other entities
are too far away. In fact it starts to get really really bad. Even with
just a 3×3 square seating arrangement, you end up with only 2 people
you can communicate with effectively or semi-effectively.

Comparatively
a rectangular arrangement works a lot better for larger parties.  But
it’s also unbalanced. It’s particularly effective for the people in the
center but it kinda sucks for the people on the ends. Basically with a
rectangle there’s diminishing returns. The person directly opposite
you, you can communicate with with perfect effectiveness, or at least
the best you can hope for from a basic physical seating arrangement.
The person to the left and right of that person you can talk to really
effectively. But for the persons to the left and the right of them it
starts to get pretty darn hard to communicate with them, and to the
left and right of them it’s basically impossible.  Also there’s a
person to the immediate left and right of you with whom you can
communicate semi-effectively, and there’s people to the left and right
of them with whom it is bascially impossible to communicate with. 
So… all told if you sit toward the middle of a rectangular seating
arrangement you end up with 5-7 people with whom you can communicate.
Not bad huh!

But if you are on the ends
you are sort of screwed. If it is a 1xN table then you not only get the
benefits of paired seating but you can only communicate with about 4
people comfortable. 2 are comfortable. 2 are less so. And you can maybe
do 2 more if you have a loud voice.  And none of them are easy to
communicate with as the person directly opposite you if you are in a
middle seat.

Still not too bad.

If
it is a 2xN rectangle then you get the paired seating but you can still
only communicate with maybe 4 people but only one person is really a
very comfortable communication point. But then you also have the
disadvantage that the greatwer width of the table hurts everyone else’s
communication capacity too. It’s no longer a near perfectcommunication
situation talking to the person directly opposite you. Still good but
not as great.  Similarly if you do a 3xN rectangle you get something
similar to the 3×3 square and basically everybody is screwed.

So
why is it that it is considered a position of honor to sit at the had
of the table? That makes no damned sense. The head of the table is the
worst place to sit if you are interested in communicating with people!
Of course if you want to avoid talking to people, I guess it’s a good
place. But if you want a lot of possible communication points in order
to create greater opportunity for you to communicate sitting at the
head of the table is the worst. You should sit at the center.

But
let’s think about this more. Surely if we think outside of the box we
can come up with a better seating arrangement that results in easier
communication for larger parties. Can’t we?

Well
obviously the thing that immediately comes to mind is increasing the
number of sides of the polyhedron in question. The idea is that each
side can house one or more people and they are all at an angle from you
so you can communicate with more people easily. If the 1 length sided
triangle gives 3 people near-perfect communication and the 1×1 square
gives 4 people near-perfect communication with everyone then maybe
likewise a 1 length N-sided equilateral polygon would give N people
near-perfect communication?

And if you
keep the polygon relatively small it does work pretty good. A hexagon
or an octagon is quite possible.  Really the 2×2 square is just
basically worse in every way than an octagon. (except for that
society’s preference for human pairs aspect I spoke of earlier).

And the obvious abstraction of that is the infinite sided circle.

But
the problem is you are constrained with how much space a human being
takes up and how much distance people can communicate with one another
easily.  You would need a super tiny circle to house a million people
such that they could communicate with one antoher easily, and that
would just be impossible for a million people to sit at!

In practice again, 8 or so people in a circle is about the limit you manage comfortably. And usually 4 or 6 is more natural.

So
damn it what do you do if you want 10 or more people to be able to talk
easily amongst one another! Is a rectangle the only option?

Hmmm. Time to think out of the box. A star pattern? Some sort of parabolic arrangement?  Hmmm…

I
know! We need to change the parameters of the question! Why  should the
table be the only parameter we can change? What if we instead… change
the chairs! Rotating chairs!

The wheel has
been around a long time right? It isn’t hard to do. So what if we have
circular seating arrangements where everyone is seated at a rotating
chair. And then you situate the circles all like around one another and
create a sort of a mesh.  Then if the tables have a radius such that
you can communicate with oh say 7 other people,  and you can rotate and
access up to say 4 or 5 other tables too then everyone can communicate
with upwards to 35 people! That’d be sooo cool!

But
there are problems with that too. First of all not everyone can
communicate with everyone. It works great for large hosts maximizing
communication points but if you are still a relatively small group it’s
not so great. You can reduce the radius of the circles to make it more
effective though.

Another problem is that
there are again people on the ends who will get screwed. In teh center
of the arrangement you get a lot of people you can talk with but on the
ends rotating just puts you face to face with a wall. We can put
televisions or windows or something on those walls so that they are
entertained still but that doesn’t solve the problem at hand.

Hmmm,
maybe if we could do something 4th dimensional so that if you are on the
ends rotating puts you in contact with the people on the other side of
the room that would work? We can simulate that with computer monitors
surrounding the room… computer monitors… hmmm…   Let’s come back to that later.

There’s
another more obvious problem with the rotating chairs problem is How do
you seat people!?!? If you imagine it, it’s going to look something
like a kind of mesh. Like a net or like those plastic rings that hold
soda bottles. In other words its all tables with chairs as islands in
the middle. How do your restaurant patrons take their seats?

Hmm.
Well the easiest would be to just have everyone jump up and run across
the tables to take their seats. That’d be fun!  But it might be a
little disruptive. Lots of broken dishes might result.  another option
might be to have like tubular shoots and have people like piped into
their chairs from above or below. That might be expensive to manage
though. Maybe just fire station poles that you slide down… That might
work.

Another possibility would be to
design the tables with a series of interlocking gates so that sections
of the tables can be lifted up to create a walking path. Yes… that’d
probably be easiest. Also helps with the serving of the food and
whatnot.

Serving of the food might still
be a problem though. You’d have to keep moving plates and stuff to lift
up sections of the table so that people can walk through… hmmm…

Maybe
we need to eliminate this whole servers walking around issue entirely.
We pipe people in through the fireman’s poles and then serve food… on
conveyor belts! Yes! That’d work. The food just sort of travels from
the kitchen directly to the customer’s seating. You can add an
automated ordering system using computers at each seat or you could
just have the people write down their order and put it on the conveyor
belt and have it get shipped that way back to the kitchen.

Overall it’d be a lot of trouble but I think it could really work well.

But is there an easier way.

think outside the box…

think outside the box…

Oh
yes of course! We need to stop thinking so dang physically.  This is
the virtual era. The problem isn’t that the tables and chairs are
designed inffectively for maximal communication. Rather the real
problem is that there is a natural limit to what distance with which a
human being can naturally communicate comfortably with one another. 
Eliminate that natural weakness and you solve the problem.

Well
we could genetically engineer people to have super hearing and eyesight
and x-ray vision and teach everyone to be able to throw their voice
across the room but that’s probably a bit difficult.

Oh but there’s such an easier way.

Head Sets! 

As
you enter the restaurant why not give everyone a headset with
microphone and ear phones and visual displays and some controls.
Basically you can use this headset to display anyone in your party and
you can talk into the microphone to talk directly to that person. No
matter how far away they are in the room!  You can even select a group
of people and communicate with them as a group.  It’d be cool!



Actually if you think about it, if you did that, there’d be no reason
to worry about seating anymore. In fact you can seat everyone at little
single tables by themselves or in private booths or even private rooms
completely shut off from the rest of the restaurant. In fact if you did
the private rooms you could make the private rooms into total virtual
reality studios  where all the walls are completely covered with
monitors to create a virtual environment that you can fully control.
And the images displayed together with holographic or 3d technology
could make you feel like you are seated at a table comfortably with any
set of people from the party you like. And what’s neat is because it’s
virtual you aren’t constrained by physical constraints. So basically I
could be seated at a a table with John, Jill and Jack at the exact same
time as Jack is seated at a table with me, Ally, and Ann. Something
that can’t possibly happen in the real world. Similarly you can have
the people around shift and hcange rapidly throughout the course of
your meal as you feel the urge to communicate with others. You can even
open up private channels and communicate privately with individuals if
you should so need.



Of course that’s pretty excessive.   Head sets are a lot easier.



But if you are using headsets, one wonders why you would even want to
be constrained by tables and chairs at all. You can really start to go
out crazy with restaurant designs. Your restaurant could just be an
open glade with trees and plants and a river or a pond or something and
you just sit wherever you want on the grass or on a log or something and use the headsets to do your order
and communicating. Everyone finds a place to sit or stand or lie down
that most suits them.



Or for that matter… why have a restaurant at all? Everyone can just
stay home and have their food delivered to them while using the virtual
program that the restaurant pipes to each person’s headsets or computer
or whatever to simulate the restaurant experience! So much cheaper for the restaurant! And would help save the environment too.



And how cool would that be?



And easier to deal with too…”



That’s pretty much what I was thinking about. There was more along
those lines but you get the gist of it. Basically a lot of random
thoughts about restaurants, communication, and odd uses of modern
technology. There were darker, more normal, more relevant, and more
serious thoughts too to be sure, but the bulk of my time was spent
distracting myself with these rambling thoughts.



So sometimes people wonder when I’m quiet… what exactly am I thinking
about. That’s understandable. You’re welcome to wonder and even to ask.



But be warned…



I might be having an Osaka moment! And you might be better off not knowing about that.

I’m trying to help out a friend.

Anybody know the title and author of this Children’s Fantasy book?  Here is a rough description:

“it was about a princess who wasn’t your average princess she’s tried to cook, fight, and so on which were stopped as soon as her parents found out. she then went for a walk after finding out they were going to force her into marriage and she couldn’t stand the guy, and so she went for a walk in the woods which of course were enchanted when she came across a dragon who had a cold. the two start talking and the next thing u know she’s offered to be the dragon’s accountant and clean out her cave which had started the dragon’s cold to begin with. they finally find her and her parents send princes to win her daughter back from the dragon, who beats them or the princess does too, til one day she meets her prince who actually has some magic capabilities and actually talks to the princess and the dragon and they decide to get married…the rest are about their lives together like the engagement and so on “

Your help is much appreciated.

No one has ever mistaken me for being an insomniac. It’s just some times, some rare days, I just lie in bed unable to sleep for no fucking reason…

I think that almost everyone growing up who has lived in the same place for most of their life eventually starts to complain about it. If you live in the city you complain about the noise and the crowd and the busyness and the crime and how impolite everyone is or how excessively commercial everyone is, or how nobody talks to one another.  If you live in the country then you complain about how boring everything is, how quiet, how tedious life is, and how backwards everyone seems, and how there’s little room for growth or change and how there’s really nothing to do for enterainment.

And of course if you live in the suburbs you complain about… well all of those things. And more besides.

Yeah we love to complain about the places in which we live. We’re constantly wishing we were some place else.

But here’s the thing though….

It’s never really the place that’s the problem.

The perceptions and expectations of the people around us act as chains that bind us to behavior patterns. Our environment seems to condition us and control us. We feel, well not comfort, but a sort of affinity in a certain place, being a certain way, living a certain kind of life.

And sometimes you just come to hate that.

You want to live a different life. To be a different person. You want to change. You want to act contrary to the way you’ve always acted, or to try to awaken the parts of yourself that have ever lay dormant sleeping within you. 

And it sometimes seems like it’s the place that’s stopping you. All those people who know you as you were. All those perceptions. All those expectations. All those memories insidiously ensconced in every rock and tree, every road and wall. Memories of the mistakes you’ve made, the problems you’ve had, the choices you wish you hadn’t chosen. Memories that don’t seem to want to let you go. Regrets. They’re there crowding into every nook and corner of your brain. Everywhere you look a reminder. It’s like every time you open your eyes in the morning the smell of the past just waifs in pressing into you, paralyzing you, binding you.

And so you just are as you always were. Again and again and again. While the bitterness within you grows a little. And you start to think, it’s this place. It’s this damnable place. If only I were some place else. If only I could just start over…

But then sometimes you manage to get that chance. You go some place else. You have that opportunity to start over. And maybe you think, optimistically, that this time, this time since it’s a new place, things will be different.  None of those old forces will bind me. None of those old memories will keep me down. I can be whatever I want to be now. And nobody knows a damn thing about me.

And it feels great. Like true freedom. You laugh in glorious joy at your amazing opportunity. How lucky you are. You can actually start over! YES!

But then… the the reality sets in.

Because it wasn’t the place. Deep down you knew that all along. It was never the place.

And then you learn that being some place new often just means a second opportunity to make the same old mistakes all over again.

It’s like you’ve become a traveling factory spewing out a smog of uncomfortable memories to each and every street and building you attend. Contaminating each place to make it the same again as it was before in that old place that you wished so desperately to escape.

It’s always a mistake to presume that you can change the habits built up through a lifetime in a single day or week or month or year. All the more folly to think that just because you’re some place new, it’ll be so much easier.

So how do you change those habits?  What if you can’t in ten years. Or a hundred. What if it’s impossible?

You see that’s the thing though? If you are waiting to be a certain person before you accept yourself you’ll never be satisfied. It’ll just be a constant journey to find and awaken new you’s. Either you become a farce, superficial pretense of who you are inside, or you become a tragedy ever being the same outside as you least want to be and wondering again and again “why didn’t I just act differently?“

Instead, you have to accept and respect not the person you will be after you’ve changed, but the person who is changing. The person who strives and struggles. The person who stumbles and fails and gets back up and keeps going anyway. The person who bit by bit by bit becomes a little bit more what he or she wishes to be or believes they should be.

You have to accept that person. However slow and slight annoying and damnably frustrating that change might be. The habits built up over a life time might well take another lifetime to alter, but that changing person is still there the whole time. And his value is not derived solely on the basis of the absolute success or failure of his most current endeavors. Every little bit of growth should be valued and cherished. It’s a step in the direction of further evolution.

And then you wait and see. Value the changing striving entity that is before you at every step of the journey. And just see what happens. What will you become?  Who will you become?

You might even end up surprising yourself.

I hope so anyway

This isn’t really all of them. But it’s a good start.

Movies:

Spirited Away (Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi)

Mononoke Hime

Fullmetal Alchemist: The Movie – Conqueror of Shamballa

Grave of the Fireflies

Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind

Whisper of the Heart

My Neighbor Totoro

Milennium Actress

Howl’s Moving Castle

Cowboy Bebop: The Movie

Lupin III: Castle of Cagliostro

Rurouni Kenshin: Requiem for the Ishin Shishi

Porco Rosso

Cardcaptor Sakura Movie 2: The Sealed Card

Kiki’s Delivery Service

Neon Genesis Evangelion: The End of Evangelion

Hikaru no Go – New Year Special

Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children

Ghost in the Shell

Macross Plus Movie Edition

CLAMP in Wonderland

Ah! My Goddess: The Movie

Kill Bill Chapter 3: The Original of O-Ren (movie segment) – it was on anime news network so i might as well include it

Akira

Cardcaptor Sakura: The Movie

They Were Eleven

Neon Genesis Evangelion Movie Death & Rebirth

Escaflowne: The Movie

Inuyasha The Movie – Affections Touching Across Time

Inuyasha The Movie 2 – The Castle Beyond the Looking Glass

X (movie) aka X:1999

Naruto The Movie: Ninja Clash in the Land of Snow

Techi Muyo Movie 1 – Tenchi in Love

Dragonball Z Movie 1 – The Deadzone

Dragonball Z Movie 2 – The World’s Strongest

Dragonball Z Special 1 – Bardock The Father of Goku

Martian Successor Nadesico The Motion Picture: Prince of Darkness

Ranma 1/2: Big Trouble in Nikonron China

Ninja Scroll

MD Geist (yeah i wish i hadn’t)
Lupin III – some really bad movie, can’t remember the title but I think it had a “2″ in it
Final Fantasy The Spirits Within (i know it doesn’t really count)



Series:

Rurouni Kenshin OAV – all  (1-4)

Death Note – all  (1-37)

Cowboy Bebop – all (1-26)

Tengen Toppa Gurren-Lagann – (episode 1)

Fullmetal Alchemist – all (1-51)

The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya – all (1-14)

Tsubasa Tokyo Revelations OAV – all (1-3)

Samurai Champloo – all (1-26)

Azumanga Daioh – all (1-26)   – well i intend to finish this today so I put all…

Berserk – (1-2)

School Rumble – all (1-26)

Macross/Robotech – so I’ve seen a bunch of Macross and stuff but it’s
all so confusing I can’t really figure out what all I’ve seen, I’m pretty sure I saw every single episode of Robotech but that’s like 3 series put together

Fruits Basket (TV) – all (1-26)

Eureka Seven – all (1-50)

Trigun – all (1-26)

Rurouni Kenshin (TV) – all (1-95)

Ruroni Kenshin – Meiji Kenkaku Romantan Seisohen (Reflection OAV) – all (1-2)

Neon Genesis Evangelion – all (1-26)

Hikaru no Go – all (1-75)

Banner of the Stars II – all (1-10)

Bleach (TV) – to current (1-168)

Slayers Next – all (1-26)

My-Hime – all (1-26)

Vision of Escaflowne – all (1-26)

FLCL (OAV) – all (1-6)

Read or Die (OAV) – all (1-3)

His and Her Circumstances (Kare Kano) – all (1-26)

RahXephon – (1-4)

Major – (1-40)

Crest of the Stars TV – all (1-13)

Scrapped Princess – all (1-24)

Fate/stay Night – (1-2)

Banner of the Stars – all (1-13)

Paranoia Agent – all (1-13)

Naruto Shippuden – to current (1-60)

Revolutionary Girl Utena – (1-12 i think, plus some random eps)

Wolf’s Rain – (episode 1)

Cardcaptor Sakura – (1-14 i think, plus some random eps)

Child’s Toy (Kodocha) – (1-4, plus some random eps)

X TV – all (1-24)

Chrono Crusade – all (1-24)

Slayers Try – all (1-26)

Martian Successor Nadesico – all (1-26)

Outlaw Star – all (1-26)

Serial Experiments Lain – all (1-13)

Ah! My Goddess (TV) – all (1-26)

Romeo x Juliet – (1-3)

Yu Yu Hakusho – (1-112)

One Piece – (1-20 or so, plus some random eps)

HellSing (TV) -(episode 1)

Naruto (TV) – all (1-220,  actually i can’t remember how many fillers i saw or missed but who really cares?)

El Hazard – The Magnificent World (OAV) – (1-7)

Slayers TV – all (1-26)

Chobits – (1-2)

Gravitation TV – (episode 1)

Oh! My Goddess (OAV) – all (1-5)

Ranma 1/2 (TV) – (1-52, at least, plus random episodes)

Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles – (1-26)

Nadia – Secret of Blue Water – all (1-39)

Excel Saga – all (1-26)

Gundam Wing – all (1-49)

Vandread – (episode 1)

Last Exile – (1-3)

Dragon Ball Z – all (1-291, technically i think i missed some eps in
the cell saga and i’m sure there were more than a few I slept through
but it’s all pretty much the same anyway)

.Hack//Sign – all (1-26)

Love Hina – all (1-25)

The Twelve Kingdoms – (1-2)

Sailor Moon TV, R, S, etc. – lots (i know i’ve seen almost all of one
full season and a bunch of random eps but I have know idea which ones)

The Animatrix OAV – all (1-9)

s-CRY-ed – all (1-26)

Fushigi Yuugi – not sure (1-18? that’s just a guess. I know i stopped watching during the first season)

Dragon Ball GT – not sure (1-20? i wasn’t really paying attention anyway. i know i did watch the last two eps)

Angelic Layer – all (1-26)

Record of Lodoss War (OAV) – all (1-13)

Ceres, Celestial Legend (Ayashi no Ceres) – all (1-24)

The Prince of Tennis – (1-10 or so)

Shaman King (1-2)

Blue Submarine No. 6 – all (1-4)

Magic Knight Rayearth (TV) – (1-6)

Rayearth OAV – all (1-3)

Yu-gi-Oh – not sure (just random eps)

Battle Angel Alita (OAV) – all (1-2)

3×3 Eyes (OAV) – all (1-4)

Flame of Recca – (1-4)

Dragon Half OAV – all (1-2)

Saber Marionette J – all (1-25)

Legend of Chrystania OAV – all (1-3)

Record of Lodoss War – Chronicles of the Heroic Knight (TV) – note sure (at least the first few eps)

Pilot Candidate (Candidate for Goddess) – all (1-12)

X OAV – all (Episode 0)

Final Fantasy Unlimited – (1-12)

Orphen TV – (1-6)

Vampire Princess Miyu – not sure (1-6 at least)

Gatekeepers – not sure (1-10 at least)

Inuyasha – not sure (1-well over 100

Crying Freeman OAV – i don’t wanna remember

Bastard OAV – (episode 1)

Ninja Resurrection OAV – all (1-2)
Bubblegum Crisis OAV – all (1-8)
Blue Seed – all (1-26)
Tenchi Muyo – beats me (a bunch of random episodes, one full series or season or something i don’t remember)
Final Fantasy Legend of the Crystals (OAV) – all (1-4)
Rave Master – (1-6)
Ronin Warriors – all (1-39)
Voltron – all, i think (1-72)
Dragon Warrior TV – all that was shown on US TV (1-43 maybe?, there was a cliff hanger when they stopped showing it on US TV on my network, not sure if the series was never finished or what.)
Mysterious Cities of Gold – all that was shown on US TV (1-39 maybe?)
Saiyuki – (1-3)
Samurai Girl Realbout High School – all (1-13)
Dragon Ball – all or most (1-153)
Legend of Basara – all (1-13)
Gasaraki – (episode 1)
Detective Conan – (1-7)
Argento Soma – (1-10)

*********************

So that’s where the last ten years of my life went… =]

First I’ll do manga since it’s easy. I haven’t really read that much. Here’s the list:

Rurouni Kenshin -  complete (volumes 1-28)

Hikaru no Go – (volumes 1-2)

Naruto – read the first arc or so, then started at about a volume
before Kakashi Gaiden and read to current (chapters 1-36,  227- 401)

Black Cat – volume 1

Fruit’s Basket – volume 1

Gunparade March – volume 1

His and Her Circumstances (Kare Kano) -  (volumes 1-6)

School Rumble – up to current US release (volumes 1-9)

Negima!: Magister Negi Magi (Mahō Sensei Negima!)  – up to current US release (volumes 1-17)

Genshiken  – complete (volumes 1-9)

Imadoki – complete (volumes 1-5)

MeruPuri – complete (volumes 1-4)

Pretear – complete (volumes 1-4)

Hellsing – (volumes 1-7)

Rayearth – (volumes 1-3)

xxxHolic – (volumes 1-3)
Blade of the Immortal – (volumes 1-5)
Shaman King – (volume 1 plus 2 random chapters I was linked to in order to get me hooked involving some iron maiden girl)

****************

Hmm. General impressions? These were all awesome.  Genshiken and MeruPuri were the weirdest.  I found Naruto and Hellsing to be the most consistently enjoyable. CLAMP stuff I felt was well balanced and I could read it any time. School Rumble was the funniest hands down.  Imadoki and Kare Kano were sweet and I love them when I’m in the mood for that stuff.

And Kenshin is just the best.

Period.

I thought I’d write something completely mindless and requiring no real thought whatsoever today.



So there’s a project I’ve been meaning to do for a long time and that’s
create as complete a list as I can of every single episode of anime
I’ve seen and every single manga I’ve read.  I was always hoping
there’d be a great facebook app so I can put this right in there and
also rate them at the same time. But there isn’t. Not that I’ve seen. 
If you know of one, please tell me! I don’t think it exists.



And Why NOT!?!? Animenewsnetwork or somebody should totally make one.
Increases their advertising revenue. It’d be great. Unlike the
movie/dvd apps it would have features that appeal in particular to
anime fans. For example, you could have a system that computes the
degree to which you are shonen, shojo, seinen, josei, or kodomo anime
fan and then the ability to search for other fans with similar tastes
in your network and whatnot.  Animenewsnetwork already has the database
so they should get off their lazy asses. They can hire me to write it
if they want. Not that I’ve ever written a facebook app but why not? First time for everything.



Anyway I found one app, not for facebook but a separate website that
was sort of like I wanted but when I tried to sign up I never heard
back from the person who wrote it.  A pity. 



So I guess I’ll just write it the good old fashioned way. Through blog
posts! So that’ll be what my next few xanga posts will be. I’ll update
as I remember more stuff that I’ve seen.

Today for the first time I was indirectly called a “nice guy”. Not as
in “you’re really nice” or “that was a really nice thing you did”.
Rather I was described as falling into that category of people called “nice
guys”.



And… I can’t say the phrase sat well with me. No it didn’t. You see,
I’ve been around reading Xanga blogs for far far too long to be fooled
by this false complement.  Roughly about once a month or so I read
another entry about “nice guys” and I’ve gotta tell you… they aren’t
too flattering. 



“Nice Guys” I’ve learned you see are cowardly wimpish creatures,
incapable of asserting their feelings, unable to take a stand, and
unwilling to defend or stick up for themselves or others. They’re weak.
They hide behind their kindness and shyness to avoid confrontation or
anything that forces them to grow or evolve as a person. In short, they
are childish, skulking, crybaby pussies lacking anything remotely
resembling a backbone.



And those are the more flattering descriptions.



The worse descriptions describe the “nice guy” as a cruel deceiver who
sits and waits skulking in the background for just the right moment to
strike! And oh how he strikes, wielding his kindness like a katana, he
slices through the defenses of his victims, exposing their vulnerable
souls, destroying their relationships, crushing their chance at
happiness. He sweeps through like a hurricane leaving a trail of
trampled hearts and crushed dreams in his wake laughing maniacally all
the while. MwaHAHAHAHAHA!



::shudder::



I hope that nobody ever ever thinks of me like that!



Now I’ve never had the temerity to ever call myself a “nice guy” even
before joining Xanga. But having read Xanga I now wouldn’t touch that
term with a ten foot pole! Nice? Me? No Way!  I don’t want to ever be a
“nice guy”. Let me be the bad guy! The mean guy! Let me be cruel and harsh! Let me be the epitome of evil! Hey
I’ll prove it! Anybody got any kittens I can strangle? Are there any
babies with candy around I can steal from? I tried picking fights on
Xanga so I could bring out my meaner side just a few days ago in fact.
True… nobody bit, but doesn’t my even bating people like that make me
truly a despicable person worthy of your scorn?  No? Oh come on! What’s
a guy gotta do?



I’ll try harder. I promise! I’ll flame! I’ll attack! I’ll insult! I’ll
bully even! But please oh please don’t put me in that most hated of all
Xangan group! Yes I said *most* hated. In my observation, nice guys are
more reviled than Xangan Idol contestants, MySpace users, and that guy, whoever he is,
who writes TheTheologiansCafe all put together. People cut spammers and stalkers more slack than they cut the nice guy!



So call me cowardly, childish, wimpy, lame, dirty, cruel, weak,
disorganized, overly emotional, arrogant, dumb, inconsiderate,
intolerant, over indulgent, spoiled, disgusting, untrustworthy, lazy,
irresponsible, or vile. But for the LOVE OF GOD and all that is GOOD do *NOT* call me a “Nice Guy”! That’s just wrong.

I realized today that I always had the wrong attitude about music. I was always looking for songs that were inspirational, motivating. You know the whole “You can do it!” kind of a song. So like Gospel songs, songs like “I will get there”  or “You’ve got the touch”.

But then I was listening to this song and it starts…

“If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we’re all OK”

Aww how sweet! And I thought you know what? This isn’t cheering me up at all. Nope. I like the songs, but they aren’t working for me.  No good. It should be more like:

“If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be, I hate you all!”

You see, I realized then that what I really wanted was Dark Songs. Songs about how screwed up the world is. Songs about how everything just sucks, you know? Yup that’s more my style. That makes me happier. Maybe it’s cuz I can listen to the song and say haha at least my life aint *that* bad! Or maybe “Oh good! Somebody else is as screwed up as me!” Or maybe, “Wow I’m so glad my life doesn’t make me whine about it like they do!”

So maybe something that goes like:

“Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt”

is kinda cool. But there’s just something missing about it. Sure it’s dark and that’s good. But still, it isn’t quite right.

I thought about it a while and then I realized the problem. This song isn’t cheery enough! It’s just not upbeat enough for my taste! I need something that’s more like this:

“‘Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry
I can’t be perfect
Now it’s just too late and
We can’t go back
I’m sorry
I can’t be perfect”

or better yet:
“I’m walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What’s fucked up and everything’s alright
Check my vital signs
To know I’m still alive and I walk alone “

or even better:
“Is everybody going crazy?
Is anybody gonna save me?
Can anybody tell me what’s going on?
Tell me what’s going on?
If you open your eyes
You’ll see that something is wrong!!”

Get it?  These songs just amuse me to death. All Boohoo but with smiles on everybody’s faces! It’s like do they really mean it? What they are saying? Then why are they so damnably happy about it! And  yet…  it works too. It makes me feel happy. Even when life is absolutely horrible.  They’re perfect. I never thought I’d like this genre of songs. Definitely not like anything I listened to in the past.

And then I remembered an old old favorite of mine. The pivotal example of this genre. It goes something like this:

“
So with sadness in my heart,
I feel the best thing I could do,
Is end it all, and leave forever.
What’s done is done, it feels so bad,
What once was happy now is sad.
I’ll never love again.
My world is ending.

[Refrain] I wish that I could turn back time,
‘Cause now the guilt is all mine.
Can’t live without the trust from those you love.
I know we can’t forget the past,
You can’t forget love and pride.
Because of that, it’s killing me inside.

It all returns to nothing,
It all comes tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling down. “

HAHAHAHA!  That’s from like one of my top ten least favorite movies “End of Evangelion”. But I absolutely *love* the song. I always have. But I’ve been afraid to admit it because of the weird looks I knew I’d get.

But all of these songs are cool. They’re all like “YAAAAAYYYY LIFE SUCKS!!”

These are my favorite songs now and I’m not ashamed to admit it! Long Live The happy Dark Songs!

I need to find more of these.

Any suggestions?