May 15, 2008

• small talk

  Way back when I remember on Leonidas’s blog (anybody remember him?) he wrote in passing about how everyone has a sort of back and forth banter that happens on their job that is similar to the way in which people communicate on television shows like The West Wing or Friends.

  I thought this was quite odd to say in a sense because one of the things that always seemed weird to me about modern television shows is how unrealistic the dialog seemed to me.  It’s sort of … too rapid… too perfect.  It’s like everyone knows exactly the most clever thing to say in response to a comment. In real life though, I think people flounder a lot more. Dialog isn’t scripted. We just do the best we can, and often we try to say something clever or smart and it comes out just plain dumb. Sometimes that results in embarrassing moments or even painful moments or extreme misunderstandings. Other times though it results in even more interesting and humerus exchanges than could ever be thought up by the now well paid writers of modern television programs. 

  So what I’m saying is, basically, communication in real life is a lot more messy and a lot less artistic, than in TV programs and movies and books.  And now you’re saying something along the lines of “Well Duh.”  Yup, I like torturing you by boring you with obvious points. Deal with it.

  But even so, despite how sadly imperfect we all are at it, smalltalk does happen. Water cooler conversations. Coffee shop conversations.  The movies and televisions shows are idealized manifestations of real phenomenons. People learn to do this sort of dialectic dance, spinning words cleverly around one another to create a kind of atmospheric effect. You learn how to put people at ease, how to make people smile or feel comfortable. You learn how to get people to befriend you, to open up to. You learn how to create a casual environment where individuals can part company not thinking particularly ill of one another. You learn how to spin an encounter so that it becomes a kind of entertainment for all parties involved. Ever person involved may well forget every word that was said ten minutes later, but still, you feel mildly amused and it can be a casual break in the unending tedium of existence.

  We learn this oh so useful skill of engaging in smalltalk as we grow up and through practice again and again in a million different empty encounters.

  Well…. most of us do anyway.

  Or rather I should say, most of you do anyway. Or so I’ve observed.

  Me? I’m no good at it. I don’t know how. Nor do I really care to know how.  The problem is, the beginning of these conversations don’t work for me. These conversations, they always start with these questions.  You exchange sort of tokens of your mutual curiosity about one another. You each are expected to ask these questions and give these trite well prepared and practiced answers. It’s much like an interview, only the only thing riding on it is the likelihood of the person you are communicating with ever bothering to talk to you again. And sometimes it’s not all clear whose loss that is.

  But for me, I find it hard to show real interest in the answers. When I ask them it feels like I’m lying. And I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to say empty words because I am supposed to.

  What’s your name?  I don’t care?  What do you do?  I don’t care. Do you have any plans for the evening? I don’t care. Where did you go to school?  I don’t care.  Where are you from? I don’t care. How old are you? I don’t care. How are you doing? I don’t care.  Do you like sports? I don’t care.  What kind of music do you like? I don’t care. etc. etc. etc.

  I Just. Don’t. Care.

  Why should I ask? Why should I answer? These questions aren’t important. You can tell they are ritual not substance if only in that they virtually always take on the exact same form. People don’t even bother to vary their language to make it at least amuse me a little, you know? Come on. I get sooo bored.

  I got asked a particularly annoying one the other day it damnably pissed me off. Someone asked “Do you go to church?”   That the person even asks says more about the person asking than the respondent. Nobody who doesn’t go to church would ever ask that question without a trigger. I said I didn’t, except on special occasions.  And the person had such a disappointed look on her face and she said “oh” and them quickly changed the subject. 

  What a pointless encounter. I didn’t care about it.  Waste of my time.

  There’s a big problem with not caring about smalltalk though. People get the impression when they interact with me sometimes that I just don’t care about them. They think that I’m not interested in them or that I am so arrogant that people don’t matter to me at all.  Or worse they think they’ve offended me in some way and they start to get  fidgety or uncomfortable. Sometimes they go silent or even defensive.  And I realize, they’re waiting for me to ask them pointless drivel questions! I’m supposed to be asking them what they do and how they’re doing and what they’re favorite sports team is? It’s like a dance you see only their dance partner isn’t moving at all. He’s just standing there staring at them. No wonder they are made uncomfortable!

  But they are misunderstanding me. It’s not that I don’t care about people. It’s not that I don’t care to know who random strangers are.  I do.  The problem is,  I just don’t care to know the answers to all these  particular random common questions  I don’t care what kind of music they like or where they went to school or what their major is. Who cares? Why do the answers to any of those questions matter in the least? Certainly the answers to none of those questions are going to be the primary determiner of whether or not I will befriend someone or whether I want to talk to someone again. Not at all.

  No… what I want to know… what I really want to know.. is how you think. I want to know how your mind works and where you are coming from. I want to know what kind of person you are. I am infinitely curious about that. Every person I meet I want to know. I’m fascinating by different thought processes. I’m curious about people’s perceptions on life. I think that’s more important. I think that’s who people really are. That’s what I want to know.

  And then… after I know or at least have an inkling about how someone thinks and I find that person to be a fascinating and interesting person, well then I become curious about all the rest.  Now I want to know what your major was and whether you like video games or anime or sports.  Now I want to know what your hobbies are and how you spend your days. And I want to know a lot more too! If I think you think in an interesting way, then I want to know EVERYTHING about you! I want to know how you were raised, who your friends are, what your dreams are, whether  or not you ball up your socks, etc. etc. etc.  But that comes later. After I know you, at least a little. Before that, I honestly can’t get myself to care that much.

  Strange huh? I know it’s a pretty arrogant perspective in some ways. So sue me. That’s just the way I’m wired.

  That’s why I guess I like blogging. Because I already learn so much about how people think from reading their blog that by the time I hold a real conversation with them via IM or comments or in private messages or in person, I’m already super curious about you. Now I can seriously ask the ritualistic questions and actually care what the answer is. And I can ask other questions too. Or sometimes I’m just content to listen to you talk about whatever it is that you want to talk about. Because any information I get about these people wherever it comes from is information I want to have. I appreciate all the knowledge whatever its source.

  So when I realized this weird perspective on ordinary communication I developed, I set out to make my random encounters more valuable to the ends of making friends and so the stranger would encounter me and say:

  “How are you doing?”

  To which I’d reply:

  “I’m doing alright. So… what do you suppose is the meaning of life?”

  Or maybe:  “Do you think people have free will?” 

  Or: “What’s your dream job?”

  Or: “Do you think we should go to a federal flat tax system?”

  Or, particularly popular… “Do you think abortion should be legal?”

  As you can imagine… these encounters didn’t often go so well.  And I don’t actually like to argue. In person, I get tired of it quickly.  Often arguments involve both people stubbornly asserting the truth of things that could easily just be looked up.  I do like debate. I’m interested in interesting topics. But I hate to argue. And this approach lead to a lot of arguments and also a lot of disgusted incredulous looks. And of course, my favorite response, the person who backs away slowly as if you are contagious or some sort of deranged lunatic. :-O

  Heh. So I don’t do that any more unless I’m totally bored. I only experimented with it for a short time.

  So I learned, sadly, slowly, I learned to ask the normal questions. I try to keep the boredom out of my voice and look interested all the while I’m really looking for a clue, a hint into something interesting… something different…

  But my boredom still gets the better of me and I just *have* to make the encounter a little bit different. I’ve got to at LEAST vary the language a little. So instead fo saying “How are you?” sometimes, I just have to say something like “How is your part of the cosmos?” or “How is reality striking you today?”  Same meaning. But sooo much more fun!

  Enough rambling. Now I’m going home to go read HellSing…

  • 5:19 pm
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