June 2, 2008

• Fighting Back

  Adults teach children all kinds of stupid stuff. They follow the
  traditions of their parents and their parents before them and so some
  of the things they end up telling their children are utterly absurd and
  it only take a moment of introspection to see that it is so. I could go
  on for hours just writing a list of the idiocies children are forced to
  absorb while growing up that have nothing to do with the reality of
  life that they will end up facing.
  
  
  
  But I believe by far the stupidest thing adults tell children is this:
  
  
  

  “Stick and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”
  

  
  
  
  
  Truly have you ever heard of anything more absurd?
  
  The
  child usually believes it at first when they encounter childish teasing
  from their classmates they are easily able to laugh it off and go about
  their lives.  It’s just words, they think.
  
  But
  that belief only lasts until the very moment when they are truly
  injured by the words of another. When they feel the real pain that
  language can cause us. The suffering that can be wrought.
  
  Sometimes
  it happens unexpected and unintentionally. Someone that means the world
  to you will manage to say something in passing that is exactly what you
  least want to hear. Something that reveals something about that
  person’s real opinion of you, or something that tells you something
  about yourself that you don’t want to face. You try to ignore it, to
  pass it off like nothing had happened. You don’t want to offend the
  person. You know it was just a slip of the tongue… but that just
  doesn’t change the pain it causes.
  
  Other
  times its a stranger who in passing manages to say something that
  slices into you out of sheer ignorance. Again the person isn’t trying
  to do you harm, explicitly, but he or she just doesn’t realize that
  saying that thing that he or she said is offensive to you; makes you
  feel like you are without worth or value, or stereotypes you as one of
  a crowd you don’t want to be associated with.
  
  Still
  other times though, it is intentional. Friend, foe, or stranger will
  come at you explicitly and intentionally with the desire to hurt you
  using words. For some reason the person is angry at you or doesn’t like
  you or is just a dickhead. Whatever their reasons, they aren’t holding
  back. They are looking for the very words most likely to rend you low,
  to make you feel less than nothing. They are attacking you as surely as
  if they had come at you with a machete. Their goal is to make you hurt.
  
  When
  one of these three events occur, at first you try desperately to cling
  to the statement those adults told you so long long ago.  It’s just
  words.  I haven’t been physically injured. Nothing about me has
  changed. It’s just verbal. Words. They don’t matter. They can’t hurt
  me. It’s only words… 
  
  But then you
  wonder, if that’s the case, why do I feel like I want to crawl
  underneath my bed and never come up again? Why do I feel like running
  away from everyone and going off by myself and screaming again and
  again until I lose my voice and collapse in exhaustion? If words can’t
  hurt me, what is this ache I feel reverberating from my chest?  What is
  this agonizing burning pounding feeling echoing behind my eyes and
  ears? My bones and sinews may well be intact and my skin may be without
  blemish, but dear god this hurts. Why does it hurt so much?
  
  Yeah. It’s only words…  Sticks and stones. Thanks folks. Lesson learned.
  
  I
  think we should teach our children something else. Something that will
  serve them much better in their future than sticks and stones ever did.
  Don’t teach children to ignore words. Don’t make them think it is their
  OWN failing when they are hurt by the words of others. That’s cruel and
  wrong. If someone hurts you with words, it is not your fault.
  
  Rather we should teach our children to react to verbal attacks in the same way we react to physical attacks.
  
  We fight back.
  
  Trust
  me, I am totally a pacifist and the least war like person around.  Were
  it up to me, there would a blanket ban on most forms of weaponry and
  we’d be working on disbanding the military as we speak. I am not a
  person who believes in answering every act of aggression with
  proportional aggression  or with preemptive self defense.
  
  But… I do believe in real self defense.  The good old fashioned type.
  
  If
  some one comes at me with the intent to do me harm or harm to someone I
  care about, and there is no other recourse, I will fight back with
  tooth and nail. I would not stop until that person is prevented from
  doing me that harm to me. Whatever is necessary to do that. I would try
  to, if possible prevent myself from doing permanent harm to the aggressor
  and I would take no joy in hurting him or her. But nor would I turn
  aside. I certainly would not accept it and walk away and hope they don’t
  do it again to me or someone else.  I would not hope that they grow up
  and see the errors in their ways and feel good about myself for not
  having “stooped” to their level.
  
  That’s absurd. 
  
  If
  someone tries to hurt me, I’m gonna try to hurt them right back.
  Honestly I’m not that physically adept so chances are I’ll get the crap
  beat out of me. But I’ll try my hardest. And if they come at me again,
  I’ll try harder and hurt them back harder. Until they stop doing it. Until they determine that it is not worth the risk.
  Their growing up and enlightened embracing of wisdom and reason can
  come later. Right now my own safety and that of the people I care about
  is what matters. That’s the only thing that should be on your mind.
  That’s the primary principal to live by when someone attacks you here
  and now.  Everything else can come later.
  
  Now tell me… why should it be different with a verbal attack? 
  
  It
  hurts just as much you know? It hurts more. If someone comes around and
  starts using their gift of language to attack your mental well being or
  that of the people you care about, why should you just ignore it?
  Why should walk away? Why does everyone say don’t engage? Don’t feed
  the trolls? Walk away. Ignore it.  That’s the wisdom we hear again and
  again. And all the while the trolls spread through the community like a
  virus, doing their harm, getting their fame, spewing their vile bile,
  making everyone’s lives miserable again and again.
  
  I don’t accept this strategy. It’s stick and stones. It’s flawed.  It’s putting all the responsibility on the victim and none on the perpetrator.
  
  And I can tell you, honestly, if it happens to me, I’m not going to just walk away.
  
  I’ve
  been really lucky. Online I haven’t had many people try to harm me with
  their words.  Only nice residents have engaged me for the most part. To
  be true, I’ve been ruder than most of the people who have ever bothered
  to comment on my blog. I’m not easily upset too. So most things I do
  laugh off. It takes a lot to really rile me up. I have to really
  believe that you are out to hurt me. That your sole intent is to do me
  harm.
  
  And if someone were to come here
  starting a fight like that, just because they can, just because it
  amuses them or because they feel have some grudge against me or someone
  I know, I won’t let it stand. I’m not just gonna block them and ignore
  them. I’m gonna fight back. I will wield my words as a weapon just as
  they do. And we’ll spar and spar for as long as the person dares to
  show his cowardly face around here. The way I figure it, at the very
  least while he’s dancing with me that’s less time he has to be
  bothering anybody else. I’ll do exactly what I perceive as enough to
  halt their aggression and if it doesn’t work, then I’m going to do even
  more. I’ll fight back even harder. My intent will match theirs. It will be to hurt them. Hurt them enough to make them stop.
  
  But
  there are a handful of blogs on here that mean even more to  me than my
  own. If someone were to come  at them  in the same way… then I’m
  gonna let loose all hell to defend them. I would probably end up doing
  and saying things that end up getting me banned from this community I
  love. And I would do it gladly and without remorse.  My hope would be
  to draw him into a flame war so vile that it gets us both banned. And I
  would happily be the sacrifice to rid the community of that devil.
  
  The
  perpetrator has to be stopped.  That’s all there is to it. We have only
  the means at our disposal to do it. Attacking back with words is one
  technique. Harnessing the power and support of the community is another
  way. And appealing to the powers that be at Xanga
  is yet another still.  Banning and deleting comments is just one other
  tactic at our disposal. It should only be applied if it’s going to work.
  
  And it can work sometimes. But other times it just spreads the disease. The troll just wanders over to someone else’s
  blog to raise hell. Is that a success? If they just hurt more people
  who matter to you instead of you? Your goal should not be just to get
  the person out of your hair, but to prevent the person from doing
  further harm to you or the people who matter to you. Through whatever
  means necessary.
  
  I don’t believe in
  sticks and stones or turn the other cheek. I’m a pacifist. And I hate
  to fight. Believe me, I do. But in my mind there is no difference
  between a wound caused by words and one resulting from a weapon or a
  fist. And if you try to hurt me in either way, I will defend myself.
  That’s just the way I am.
  

  • 3:07 pm
  • 6 Comments