June 2, 2008

• moral hypocrisy

  A long long time ago I had a conversation with someone about
  “kindness”. And we didn’t see eye to eye on it at all. The person’s
  position was basically that the kindness was problematic. That being
  kind was somehow wrong. I tried to take what was being told and put it
  into terms I could understand but it was stretch and I didn’t really
  see it. I thought about it a long time, but I didn’t get what the heck
  she was talking about.
  
  So of course more recently I have ranted about “nice guys” making mockery of a lot of xanga
  entries that I despised about how it is wrong to be a “nice guy”. In
  truth I hated both sides of the argument whenever I read them. Both the
  people who proclaimed a nice guy or girl had broken their heart and so
  they wished they could tear the hearts of all those like them and
  trample them in the mud and the people who despaired of how they were
  ridiculed or ignored for daring to try to be “nice”.  Similarly I
  rambled endlessly on about the question of what constitutes being
  “used” versus acting out of a sense of generosity. When, if ever, I
  wondered was it really possible to be “too nice”?
  
  None
  of what people said about these matters had ever made any sense to me
  at all, really. Any more than my friend’s proclamation long ago about
  the evils of certain types of kindnesses.
  
  I
  think I finally started to understand what she and everybody else was
  talking about this past night as a lay sleepless in bed overloaded on a
  caffeine rush. Yes. I can be a little slow sometimes.
  
  It isn’t really about “niceness” or “kindness” at all.  It’s about Moral Hypocrisy.
  
  You see, being nice to someone primarily in order to get that person to like you is moral hypocrisy.
  
  Being kind to one as a means to avoid one’s responsibility to another is moral hypocrisy.
  
  Generosity given out of for fear of being disliked or scorned for lack of it is moral hypocrisy.
  
  Expecting someone to meet your standard of kindness or cruelty before you are willing to interact with them is moral hypocrisy.
  
  And similarly for all other virtues.
  
  Now
  “Hypocrisy” is one of those charged words that we tend to try to
  reserve for only the most dastardly of devils who mockingly pretends to
  virtues that they truly despise.   But it really shouldn’t be.
  “Hypocrisy” is actually really easy to fall into and fairly difficult
  to spot when you are in it. Because in truth exercising virtues truly
  is not the default behavior of humanity. It’s not easy to be truly
  courageous or kind or honorable or pious.  It’s hard. To be these things independent of our wants, irrespective of our desires is hard.
  Our motives are almost always questionable and are always far more
  complex than they seem. To some extent or another, it could easily be
  argued that we are *all*hypocrites, at least some of the time.
  
  So..
  it should be no surprise that frequently we observe or believe,
  sometimes accurately, sometimes erroneously, that someone is exercising
  a virtue such as kindness, but doesn’t really mean it.
  Or perhaps that person is doing it for less than noble reasons. And we
  get annoyed. We say, “you’re too nice” or “nice guys are assholes”. 
  But what we mean is, generally, something more like “I don’t believe
  you are acting consistently and for the right reasons”.  And perhaps it
  is not even a critique that is so critical as all that. Maybe the
  person’s acts are only unsettling to you because you feel on some level
  that there has to be more to it than the
  person is letting on. That a person cannot act in such a fashion
  without there being more to their motives than a simple desire to be a
  good person.
  
  Of course, much strife could be avoided if we learn simply to talk out the “Whys”
  of when we make a choice be it for good or ill. We should not feel
  afraid or ashamed to question someone about what their motives are. If
  we understand where one another are coming from there will be less
  surprises and less bitterness will result.
  
  It’s important to note that not all
  ulterior motives are bad. And that an act of good has ulterior motives
  does not make it any less an act of good. Maybe we are being a little
  hypocritical when we proclaim that we are doing some good “because it
  is the right thing to do” when in truth we are doing it for a whole
  huge mixed bag of reasons half of which we don’t really understand
  ourselves. But even so, if it is the right thing to do, it is still the
  right thing to do, and that is, if we are good people at least a part
  of why we do it. For that alone, good acts, do deserve some
  recognition, even when they are moral hypocrisy.
  
  For
  those of us who are, known for acting inordinately in line with a
  particular virtue (for example someone people say is super-nice or
  incredibly brave, or excessively humble), it is all the more important
  for us to examine closely our motivations behind our acts and be
  willing and able to explain them. We have to believe in them too, those
  motivations, or be prepared to change our behavior to one more in line
  with the norms of society. Because, to be sure, nobody is more the
  target of skeptical scrutiny than the person who seems to act as a
  saint. Perfect selflessness is rare if it even exists. If you think
  that you are being so, most likely you are full of it.
  
  Here’s
  an example that ties all this together from my own life.  I used to
  have this job I really really hated. But after all my friends had quit
  the job and I had gotten all the experience I needed from it, I stayed
  on. Week after week. Month after month. I kept going even though I
  hated it.  I used to talk to my friend who used to work at the same job
  once a week or so and he would, kind soul that he was, constantly talk
  to me, trying to indirectly convince me to quit this stupid job.
  
  But
  I didn’t listen. Every time we talked I would argue and try to explain
  why I couldn’t quit just then. I said I thought it was wrong to abandon
  the company. I said that I want to do good by them even if they weren’t
  so nice to me. I said that I loved my boss, which was true, that he was
  the nicest guy in the world and that if I left, especially right after
  my friends had quit, he would be inundated with work because there were
  so many things that I was the only other person who knew how to do. I
  thought it was wrong, and so I proclaimed, to do that to him. It was
  his fault the company was full of other people I despised.
  
  So
  out of kindness, I thought I was staying. Out of a desire to do good.
  But my friend didn’t really buy it. He thought and said that I was
  crazy not to leave because it would make my boss feel bad.
  
  And
  he was right too to question my motives. I was not nearly so selfless
  as all that. There were a lot of other reasons I didn’t quit too. One
  big one was fear. Fear of the confrontation that might arise if I quit.
  Fear of being looked badly upon by my former coworkers. Fear of hurting
  people and making life harder for them. Fear that this might come back
  to bite me in the future if my former coworkers held a grudge. But also
  just the basic fear of just talking to my boss. That thought of that
  encounter terrified me. I’m not good with people. I didn’t want to do.
  It was sort of like stage fright. And I’m worse with that kind of thing
  than anybody I know. I really really dreaded it.
  
  There
  were other reasons too I don’t generally talk about as much. Early on
  in that job I screwed up really really bad. And all along I felt a huge
  amount of guilt about that mistake. I wanted to make up for it. I
  really felt I had to. I wanted to earn the respect and admiration of my
  peers that I had lost when I made that mistake. It was a huge blow to
  my pride and a massive sense of shame that drove me. I wanted to stay
  and fix everything. I wanted to make everything great. I wanted to get
  some sort of accolades or recognition so that I knew I had done a good
  job. It was more than that too. I also hated the environment there. I
  felt as if I should have been able to help fix it. I’ve had a problem
  all my life with encountering conflicts that feel like they are within
  my grasp, that I understand well enough to be able to help, but then
  proving inadequate to really make a different. The guilt over that
  haunted me too. I kept thinking I would try harder next time.
  
  And
  so I stayed on the job until something finally inspired me to quit. But
  it was wasted months and wasted years all because I wasn’t ever honest
  with myself about what my real motives were. When I proclaimed that I
  was doing the right thing by not quiting, by not looking for another
  job that would be better for me, I was being a moral hypocrite. 
  
  And
  yet, I don’t necessarily think not quiting was evil or wrong. It was
  just… complicated. It was not the most effective choice for me for my
  long term future that’s for sure. And so in that sense it was at least
  very irresponsible. But in a way it was good too. I did help people
  while I was there. At least I hope I did. And that was one of the
  reasons I did it.
  
  Things like that have
  always been an issue for me. People have proclaimed me “too nice” and
  have worried that I might be “used” or have even become annoyed and
  angry at me for the “kindness” they perceive as being “fake”.  They are
  right to worry. I don’t pretend to know or understand all the motives
  behind my choices. I know though that there is some hypocrisy in them.
  I know that there are a lot of reasons behind every act. I know that I
  am not really consistent.
  
  But at the same
  time I constantly strive to be. To do the right things for the right
  reasons no matter what anyone thinks of me. My goal is to know and
  understand all my motives for every act so well that I can proclaim
  them truly and defend them. That way I can be good without being seen
  as a hypocrite. 
  
  
  
  But I’m still working on that.
  

  • 5:42 am
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