June 10, 2008

• Sincerity

  Sometimes I look back and I think the most hurtful things I ever said or have ever been said to me were also the nicest. And at the time, they also seemed the truest.

  So what exactly is sincerity I wonder?

  In the manga Chobits there’s this manager character who is described as always sincere in everything he does. I hate that guy. But even more I hate the main character who is the “good guy”. I have an irrational overwhelming dislike for him.

  And that’s not even why I don’t like the series.

  Sincerity though… I think Chobits trivializes it. Makes it seem easy.

  It’s more than just truth or honesty or intent. It’s more than the desire for the words to be true or to be believed. It seems like… it’s even harder to be sincere than to be certain, harder even than to know. And I wonder if it’s even a good thing to be sincere. Maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s dangerous.

  There was a story once I read, it seems like a long time ago now. The story was oh so short. Really not much of a story so much as a lesson and though I don’t and didn’t know if it was directed at me specifically, it had a direct impact on me as I could relate strongly to the lesson being taught. It was a lesson I needed to learn. A way of thinking I hadn’t fully understood but felt I needed to. A lesson about the dangers of words.

  I said that too, when we talked about it. It’s the words that were the problem. I could see it so clearly. But it hurt to think about it too. The scope of that hurt I thought I might have caused with words was almost unimaginable. I’ve only ever heard of one case as bad.

  And no, the story wasn’t really about words either…

  Words, I came to see, forge a sort of link between speaker and listener. They are more than just the meaning behind them. They are even more than the sentiment expressed. There’s sort of a bond forged. A trust. Sincerity, I think, reflects a kind of fealty to that trust. To honor it. It’s like… every spoken sentence needs to be more than a assertion, more like a sort of an oath. To say it means to accept it, to believe it, and the intent to follow through as consistently as you are able with the words spoken. To act in accordance with that statement as if it were a inviolable truism. And, indeed, to act in accordance with many many unspoken words implied by the ones said.

  That’s why the same words, or even similar words spoken to two different people can be a cruel thing to do, even if the statements are literally true and non-contradictory and even equally strongly believed by the speaker. You are in a sense, breaking the unity of the trust. Violating your oath. The words lose their specialness. They are no longer something meaningful shared between the two entities. No matter how eloquent and well chosen the words may be, they become… just empty words…

  These days I am far more cognitive of these truths than I have been in the past. I think about that story well just about every day, though you’d think such a little event would have long since fallen out of my consciousness.  But now I find myself with another bind. I find myself hesitating all the time. Everything I want to say or write I hesitate. Every real question I want to ask, I halt myself. I wouldn’t want to hurt someone again by being sincere now, if it will prove insincere in the future. I’m trying not to forge any oaths I can’t keep. I’m trying not to build bonds any closer than they can stand to be. But it feels terrible holding back from saying what I want to say.

  And still I know I don’t do a good job of it. I’m naturally a reckless word-slinger. I love words. I use them to express myself. Really, to be myself. Saying certain things, writing certain things, in a certain way, are a part of who I am. And I don’t believe in forging light or insignificant bonds either. I’m not much for empty conversations. They bore me to death.

  But many many times I think I’ve said or written too much and too quickly. Exactly the words that first pop in my head. The ones that I think the subject will benefit from hearing. The words I believe. The words that are true. But still, I am very cognitive of the harm they could be causing. Are almost certainly causing. And still I can’t really learn the lesson. Not fully. And I end up feeling like I’m hurting people with kind words over and over again.

  Or maybe I don’t really understand it at all. This idea of sincerity is just beyond me. Maybe I need another lesson.

  • 6:26 am
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