July 14, 2008
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What Counts As Family?
I had a conversation yesterday about family. A friend of mine and I
were discussing a mutual friend’s issues with family and naturally our
own family backgrounds became a subject of conversation as well.
My friend’s position overall was basically this (I paraphrase):
The people who are our family are those who treat us like
family. If someone treats you really badly then that person is not your
family, no matter who they are, they’re just someone who happens to be
related to you (by blood or whatever).
From her perspective this makes sense, given her background. But I wonder about it. It’s a pretty hard line perspective.
There are other cases. And other ways of thinking. Take for example,
the parent, mother let’s say, whose estranged child only uses her for
resources or threatens her or treats her terribly. Some mothers in
that situation can severe that connection, even though it would be
horribly painful to do so. Some can let go and move on.
Some can’t.
Most I think can’t. Many parents see their child as a part of their
identity. To give up on a child would be, virtually, to give up on
their very lives.To admit failure.
It might be easier for children to let go of their parents. And by
easier I still mean still pretty impossibly hard. But when you’re
younger your mind will be more flexible. You’ll be able to change. And
the hurt from estranged parents who treated you badly will settle in
deeper forging who you are. More will be able to let go. But even then,
many can’t.
And for siblings, close siblings, I think it’d be hardest of all.
But maybe that’s just me who thinks that. Because I have two brothers
and I can’t imagine or conceive of ever letting them go. It’s a
powerful connection, the sibling connection and one for which there is
no equal.
And that’s because as long as you’ll live you’ll never find anyone else
who grew up like you did. Nobody else will ever share those memories
of growing up in that place at that time. Nobody else will remember
those Christmas mornings and summer vacations. Nobody else will
remember waking up in the morning rushing to get to school. Nobody else
will have had those parents give you those talks, enforce those values,
teach you those things. Nobody else will have grown up in that
neighborhood, living in that house, having those pets, riding around in
those cars, playing those video games, doing those chores, etc.,
etc.,etc. The same frustrations. The same hopes. It’s almost as if you
are living the same *lives*. You can explain your childhood to someone
else, you can try to tell them the story of it so they’ll understand
it, but in the end it will always be an incomplete understanding. They
didn’t *live* it. But your siblings? They did.
These shared experiences create a kind of deep level of understanding
between siblings that is rarely replicated or neared in any other
relationship forged in a life time. Other connections can become as
deep or deeper, but they’ll always be *different*.
I think of my brothers, and I honestly can’t imagine a circumstance
that would make me simply “let go” of them. To not consider them
family, is impossible for me. Even if one or both of them were to treat
me like absolute shit, they’d still be my brothers. They’ll always be
my brothers. I’d still try to find a way to help them. To fix it. To make it better.
It’s sort of an interesting thing, that the only people with whom I
have never felt even the slightest bit of anxiety around, the only
people with whom I *always* feel comfortable conversing are my
brothers. Even when I don’t have a clue what to say to them. It’s fine.
I feel comfortable around them. I’ve always felt that I can relate to
them, even though so many of their experiences have been different from
mine. That shared history still binds us. It’s that kind of connection.
And yet… it’s also an interesting characteristic of the sibling
relationship is that it is one in which infused in every moment of it
is the unassailable truth of the near inevitability of eventual
separation. Whereas certain romantic relationships, the expectation or
at least the hope is that it will forge into a link that will last a
life time, ever growing closer together. With the sibling relationship,
you know all along, that you’ll all grow up and grow away… and
probably though you’ll try your hardest not to, grow apart too. Each
of you will go off and travel on your own, make your own home, make
your own friends, and maybe have your own families. That’s the future
that awaits the siblings.
And maybe that’s also part of what makes it such a powerful connection.
All those years being together knowing that it is transient, maybe that
makes us cherish it all the more.
Well honestly I can’t imagine estranging myself from my parents either.
But I’ve been lucky to have incredible parents whom I have enormous
respect for and who have always treated me probably a lot better than
I’ve deserved. If I had a deadbeat Mom or Dad, who abandoned me, who
abused me, or who wasn’t there when I needed them, maybe I could see
myself learning to let go of them. Learning not to think of them as
“family” any more, but rather just as the people who happened to be
responsible for the accident of my birth.
I think for some of us, there are family that once you really start
thinking of them as *family*, you’ll never be able to distance yourself
from that completely. It would be easier to lose both arms, both legs
and an eye or two than to leave that person out of your life,
completely. For some of us, the connection was so important to us at
one point, that we’d rather keep it open, in some shape or form even if
that person continues to hurt us. Again and again and again. We’ll
just keep hoping. Keep striving to fix the relationship. Somehow. To
save the person. To turn him or her back into who he or she used to be.
Somehow. Or to retrieve the feeling that made that relationship special, that made it precious to us in the first place.
Is this a good attitude? Is it right? It seems destructive and
dangerous and oh so painful a way to live. Easier to severe our bonds
at the very moment where they become destructive or harmful to us and
reforge them again if and when the other is willing. Safer. Cleaner
that way. Happier too, eventually.
But impossible. The opposite is crazy and stupid but oh so very human.
My Mom used to drill into us, my brothers and I, the importance of
family. Under her value systems your family is the one group in the
world that you can always rely on. They’re the people who will be there
for you when nobody else will be and with whom you can feel as if you
are in this crazy struggle of life together. She always saw the family
as the most important unit of the community, the core of your support
group, the foundation upon which you will build your life. And that’s
how it was for her too. She came from a big family and her siblings
were and *are* her best friends in the whole wide world. With the
exception of her husband and her children, they’re the only people she
really and truly would trust and have faith in no matter what
happened. And since her siblings were taught under the same value
system it’s pretty much the same with them. It was the one lesson I
think my Mom most wanted us to learn, that no matter what happens
always have a place for your brothers in your life. Always.
I’m a little different from my Mom though. Although I do think that
that connection with my brothers is special. As is the connection with
my parents, and cousins and aunts and uncles. Still, I don’t believe in
the exclusivity of that family moniker like my Mom did. I think there
have been and there can be people whom I can become so close that
although I use the word “friend” to describe them, I think of them
really as being family to me. And
all that that entails. There are people who I think of as brothers and
sisters. They didn’t share those experiences I did growing up, and
we’ll never really understand each other in *that* way exactly. But
their still siblings in my mind. They mean just as much to me and I’d
still do anything for them. I’ll always find a place for them in my
life if they have a need. Always.
And I think for those people I’d have the same problem though. Once I
start to see them as really and truly being family, I think it’d be
near impossible for me to ever let them go. I’d always have faith in
them. I’d want to never give up on them. Even if I discovered that they
had no respect for me, that they never cared about me as much. Or even if they never cared about me at all. They’d be family anyway.
It’s crazy.
So what exactly does count as family? I don’t really know.
Comments (35)
Family is an abstract concept and no I don’t believe in it. Not to any extent.
I just don’t.
The thing you said about siblings— I totally get that. I can’t imagine being separated from my brothers. I have no idea by the way if you’re a girl or a guy.. But I would think that you’re a guy.I’m not sure. Hmmm..
@purplepixiepoo - lol. I’m a guy yeah. Now I’m curious as to what gave it away?
wow you were super lucky in life, getting such an awesome family. ^_^ i was lucky in the sense that my family was pretty good but not as supportive as yours, i really can’t complain i don’t know any different really.
though i wished i felt more loved, instead of someone that needed to reflect the family. i had to succeed to show that my family was better than other familys, my job was basically to make the family look good. if i went outside the box i would probably have been disowned because they don’t want the family to be posioned by me.
this i think changed my views about love though, because when i have a family they will be loved and let to do whatever they want to do, they don’t have to be doctors or lawyers to make the family look good.
well that’s how my family was like. it also felt that i was competing against my brother for who would make the family look better so who would get the most praise/love.
yup you’re lucky to have been in your family. ^_^
i think your friend is right in some sense, if a person treats you badly you shouldn’t think of them as family but you’re right too you can’t just let go of that bond sometimes. as much as my parents yelled at me and pushed me, i can’t leave them nor do i want to, i don’t listen to them as much but i still care about them and would do anything for them.
it’s becuase of that connect you talked about but also for me, i think friends come and go but family is for life. they are meant to love you and be there for you no matter what. i know my family will always be there for me, without wanting anything in return, i will always be there for my family also not wanting anything in return.
with a world of “what’s in it for me” people, i think family is the only thing you can trust anymore to not think that way when you need them.
yup it’s hard to let that go, but i have known a few people that have done that, and i don’t think they are wrong since their circumstances were different from mine. some parents are not meant to be parents and their childern need to get away from them to truely grow.
everything and every choice has reason behind it, from the outside it’s so easy to say, i can’t believe that child disowned their parents or that mother acting like her child doesn’t exisit anymore. but you really don’t know what’s going on. i don’t think there are a lot of evil people in the world so most of people’s “bad” choices had a reason, a reason that was right for them. ^_^
@nephyo - It wasn’t a giveaway at all. But uhm, profile picture and sweet to a girl like me.
@purplepixiepoo - hehe I thought I was sweet to everyone not just the cute girls.
hmmm… But I guess I should have known about the profile pic. XD
This is gonna sound weird though, but sometimes, rarely, but sometimes, I get tired of being nice though, I mean really tired of it. I think that one day I will go on like a selfishness vacation and spend a year never saying or doing a nice thing to or for anyone but myself. Haha but I don’t think I could really succeed at it! I’d like end up going through withdrawal or something…
@nephyo - Now THAT is something nice to blog about, I would like to think so. Being nice? Yep.. That is incredible.
Why would you feel tired of being nice to people? I mean I don’t have anything against you, but why?
@raindrops23 - Yeah I couldn’t imagine feeling like I was competing with my brothers or as if the reputation of the family was very important. My parents didn’t see to care too much about what other people thought.
But wow, your family may not have been like mine at all but it sounds like the family *values* you have are really *really* similar to what was taught in my family.
“friends come and go but family is for life.” is a phrase my Mom used to say often. And that whole:
“i know my family will always be there for
me, without wanting anything in return, i will always be there for my
family also not wanting anything in return.”
Also sounds just like something my parents and Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents would say and believe.
But I wonder… Don’t you think that it’s possible to come to trust someone who is not family just that much? Isn’t it possible for a friend to be a person that you know will be there for you for your whole life without ever wanting anything in return? Do you think you could ever be that kind of a friend for someone else?
I want to believe that I could be and that others could be that way for me too. But I dunno. I think it’s even hard for family members to really be that selfless all the time. I’ve known people whose families quite expect to be paid back for the kindnesses they’ve done someone even if they were related. Maybe then those “family” aren’t really family?
“ i don’t think there are a lot of evil people in the world so most of people’s “bad” choices had a reason,”
I completely agree with this sentiment! People are generally trying to be good and trying to do what’s best for them.
And I wouldn’t ever say that someone is “bad” for letting go of a family member if they felt they had to. It probably is what’s right for them. I just can’t imagine myself doing it. I don’t think it’d be right for me. But then I’ve had an impossibly hard time even severing friendships. I’ve only really managed it once and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. And I really wish I hadn’t.
@purplepixiepoo - you know I don’t know. I guess it’s sort of like I’d get tired of brownies after eating too many brownies, even though I love brownies…
I think if I loved being mean and nasty I’d still run into the same issue and get tired of it sometimes and want to be nice.
That’s why I’ve written some old posts about wishing I had some controversy so I’d have an opportunity to be mean to someone. But hey, irony of irony some people left some controversial comments on that featured post, and you know, I don’t really feel like getting into a fight with them about it either. Guess I’d rather keep being the “nice guy” after all. For now.
@nephyo - well i love it that you will be a nice guy coz well, i don’t have a lot of friends, i mean real friends i can talk to about the deeper stuff about life…
I really love that guys post about things like these, family and all, and stuff that require being sensitive.
@fullmetalbunny - You’re right. It is an abstract concept. And I understand why you don’t believe in family. It really is a rather silly abstract concept at that. What difference should genetic similarity or family structural labels really make?
What should matter is what we feel about people and why. The bonds we forge between one another. Maybe we should take those bonds that are most important to us, list those characteristics of them that make them important to use and label bonds that have those characteristics “family”. Redefine the abstract concept to something more meaningful to us?
I think for me then, one of those characteristics is something like a bond I’d never want to give up on no matter what.
@purplepixiepoo - Thanks!
I’ll be nice mostly and I’ll always be willing to talk with you about whatever you’d like. ^_^
@nephyo - Really? Good to know! Haha what are you doing right now? I really want to know like where are you? What’s the set-up?
@purplepixiepoo - haha! You want to know a lot huh? Careful what you wish for, heh. You might get more details than you really want to know one day. ^_^
Well I’m sitting in my office at work. I have my desk situated so I can see the door, and my screen is not visible to people walking by. I hate that. There’s a white board with incomprehensible diagrams on it to my left. A plant in the back left corner, A big window and an air conditioner just next to that. And tinier window to my right.
On my desk I’ve got some programming books, a notebook, and my Ipod, in addition to monitor, speakers, keyboard, and mouse. I’m listening to the soundtrack of NOIR right now which I love. And I’ve got some magnet toys on my desk I fiddle with every once in a while.
As for what I’m doing, I’m supposed to be working and the first half of the day I was and I got a lot done but the second half after lunch where I had shrimp fried rice, has been pretty much consummed with me wasting time on Xanga. But I don’t mind, it’s been fun and I’ll still get the project done on time.
@nephyo - I hope to be that friend that does things and never ask for anything in reture, but when people figure that is how you are, a lot of people take advantage of that and start abusing you. Well that’s what happened to me.
It’s one thing taking my friend the the airport everyone once in a while (like every year or twice a year) and taking care of their pets and watering their plants while they are away, but them asking me to take them to the airport every month and picking them up at odd hours and helping them unpack. I feel that I’m being taken advantage of, they should ask some of their other friends to take them sometimes at least spread it out. I mean there is a limit to how much you can do for someone before feeling taken advantage of, you know?
I mean I do want to be the one my friends can turn to but there has got to me a limit of that.
Even if it was family I would probably be like, have so-and-so do it. But I don’t think my family would ever do that to me because as much as we are like family is family and we would do anything for each other, there is some compermises and give/take and some thoughtfulness.
I think when it’s your family you would want to take advantage of them. So that’s also a difference between friends and family. You try to be thoughtful of one another because you know they will be there for life so you don’t want to ask for things you don’t really “need”. *shrugs*
@nephyo - I wish I can have work like that! That kicks ass. I mean, the jobs I get are strict with the usage of computer so I don’t get to be on Xanga while at work. But I wish that I can find a job that will allow me to. :]
You are a very descriptive person. It makes me feel more comfortable talking to you coz I know the set-up. I’m a plenty curious person so I’m not sure when I’ll actually hit that–whatever you’re saying–as too much information.
@raindrops23 - Yeah I can see that. I’m often afraid sometimes that my friends might be taking advantage of me and sometimes I’ve even been afraid I’ve been taking advantage of my friends. But usually the nice things I’ve done are things I’ve volunteered long before they were ever asked of me so I can’t really complain that much. lol. And my friends have never complained to me, so I hope I haven’t annoyed them too much.
I do think sometimes though with friends they ask you to do things for them because the connection is ephemeral and they see it as an excuse to spend time with you or a way to create an opportunity or pretense to talk. Something you don’t really often feel you need with family. A friend might ask you to take them to the airport every month because they enjoy spending that time with you and thought that you would enjoy it too. Sometimes “helping” can be a way to forge a closer bond. Like when you ask someone to help you move. They might fully expect you to say “no” if you don’t have time to do it and then they’d ask their other friends. In some cases asking a certain friend all the time might well be an indication that they see that friend as special and want to sort of give that friend “first dibs”.
Of course it’s not always that way. A lot of people just really are inconsiderate. They start to rely on someone and get comfortable with always being able to rely on that person and don’t really think about how that might make that person feel or what other things might be going on in that person’s life. And they might not even care.
But I guess I’m not so sure I can be any more sure that my family wouldn’t treat me like that than I am of my close friends. I mean I am sure of *my* family because I know and trust them, but I could easily see a lot of people’s families where they do use their family members. Sometimes even family members you could rely upon become people that you can’t anymore for whatever reason.
So I guess I want to define family as those close connections, friend, or blood or relation whom I feel that way toward. That I feel that they won’t use me and that they’ll always be there for me and I’ll always be there for them. I could be wrong, and probably am about a lot of them. But I still think of them as family anyway.
@purplepixiepoo - hehe. No worries. I just love to write a lot. I’m sortof a windbag online.
Yeah I’m so happy I have this job. In my old jobs the official “policy” was no internet for personal use, but everybody totally violated it anyway. But it always felt uncomfortable like you were watching over your shoulder watching your back so that nobody comes along and fires you. This job is different because I have a super nice boss who doesn’t care as long as I get it done.
So ok, it’s only fair that I ask you right? What’s the setup where you are at? And what are you up to besides xanga-ing?
@nephyo - Well I’m just xanga-ing because I have heart issues and I’m not allowed to move around. I’m just xanga-ing and well, sometimes watching big bang theory.
MY SET-UP….
I’m in our library. I’m on a common desktop of the family since I don’t have my own laptop yet. I would love to save for that but then, uhm, I’m actually saving up for something else. My boyfriend, I met him on xanga is in New York and I’m here in the Philippines. He’s working although it’s his summer break, and so got the plane tickets covered but I want to save up on my own too. :] I mean I don’t want him to spend so much for me.
Back to my set-up, yeah, it’s a library, with uhm, encyclopedia sets and our medals and certificates on the walls. :]
I saw that you left a comment on the entry that I like: Is Porn Okay? I really want to know what people think. I am for porn.
@purplepixiepoo - You have a library? That’s cool! I want a library. Haha. Never had anything close to a room that could be called a library. Do you have any interesting books?
As for the porn entry, yeah I’m very very liberal so I’m pretty much for everything.
Laptops aren’t too expensive right now around $400 and dropping in price fast, I hope you and your boyfriend can save up to see each other and still afford a laptop soon. good luck with it!
Hmmm we seem to be talking about stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with this entry. Maybe we should continue on the chat board or something? Eh I guess it doesn’t really matter. lol.
@nephyo - Haha I’m sorry. Oh by the way, my brother said, he needs to use the connection and I think I want to sleep. Haha I’ll be back online later in the afternoon. Well that’s for me. I hope we can pick up from where we left off whenever we catch each other onlin? So yeah, library, boyfriend, laptop. :] Okay? I’ll see you around Nephyo. :] You are awesome. :]
@purplepixiepoo - ok. It was good talking with you! I’m sure I’ll catch you online soon enough and we’ll continue. And thanks! You are awesome too. =]
@nephyo - I know you’re having a indepth conversation with someone else on this blog (well I don’t know because i’m not reading those comment *lazy -_-*) but it’s kind of fun to reply back anyways.
i really like how you really take the time to see the best in people, i try to do that too but sometimes my furstration and annoyance over powers that part of me that wants to see the good in everyone.
i don’t know if i agree with asking for favors as a way to see someone because i would just ask someone to hang out, if they can’t then oh well. ^_^ though i guess i don’t do this as often anymore because i have w.
i rarely ask people for help that is outside of my family or w because i don’t want to put that burden on anyone else, usually i’m just self suffeicent anyways so i don’t ask for help. that’s just the way i am, if i move i’ll probably do it by myself or maybe enlist w but that’s about it.
family is someone you can rely on without feeling bad about it or thinking you owe them anything. family are people that don’t take advantage of you. family are people that if you don’t see them for 1-2-5-10-20 years they act like no time has passed. family are people that share secrets with you (you know family secrets). family are people that share memories with because when you’re old you can remember them together. family are people that will not make you feel like your unwelcome or need to leave anytime soon when you visit them, in fact they want you to stay overnight! family are the people that saw you as a baby, saw you as an awkward teen, saw you grow to an adult and loved all the time.
most important family are the people that make you feel the most accepted, no matter what you do or what happens to you, they will love you and welcome you with open arms. it’s a warm feeling of knowing you have a home in someone’s heart always.
@raindrops23 - it’s cool! I’m always interested in reading your replies! And my “in depth” conversation was winding to a close anyway and we might pick it up later somewhere else. And you’re welcome to read those posts or not if you want but we really weren’t talking that much about the subject at hand, lol.
Anyway, I really like your reply. It was a beautiful and well written exposition on what counts as family. You should really write a blog entry about it! I’d totally have recommended that comment if it was in a blog even though I don’t really agree with the sentiment. I understand it and I mostly agree but I dunno.
I guess I want to believe that it can be that way with some few really close friends too. Even though they didn’t see me growing up and didn’t watch me get my diapers changed or go through puberty or whatever. That even though they don’t have that shared history that we can forge a shared history together that can be just as important to us. That we can grow to understand one another enough that we would say and know and *mean* that we’ll never take advantage of one another, that we’ll never make each other feel like we’re unwelcome, and that we’ll always treat each other as if no time has passed no matter how long it’s been since we last saw each other.
Maybe it’s a pipe dream and you can’t really have friendships that are like that. I dunno. But I don’t really believe in shallow friendships. I want my friendships to matter. Maybe not all of them that much, but all of them I want to be really close to. As close as I can be.
And what about some family who you’ve known all your life and have always treated you fairly but you never really *knew* very well? I mean like I have lots of extended family but most of them I’ve only seen once a year during the reunion and honestly we didn’t talk that much. They were close to my parents but I don’t feel that close to them. They’ve always been nice to me, expressed a willingness to help me if ever I was in need. But I just don’t feel the connection is that strong or reliable anyway. I don’t know if I’d ask them for help over my true friends. It’s good to know they’re there, but can I trust that family loyalty over the more involved shared experiences I’ve had with college friends or friends I’ve forged after college?
And I’m got other family members, cousins and aunts and uncles that I was really close to growing up and spent a lot of time with but around when I got to High School and late middle school those connections really started to fade. Our experiences differed so radically it was like I couldn’t really relate to them as well. They’re my cousins and yeah I know that they’re for the most part wonderful people whom I can trust to be there for me but is it a stronger bond than with my friends? Most of my life I only saw them about three or four times a year and only for a couple of days. We always lived further apart from the rest of my extended family.
I can see how all of my cousins are going to be able to have that super close bond. They all lived in the same neighborhoods, attended the same schools, saw each other all the time. I didn’t. I’m just not sure I’ve spent enough time with them to forge it. Even when I was little I never spent more than a week with them at a time. And still only a half a dozen times a year, mostly during holidays. And if our bond was really that close. If family is always that special a connection, why did we grow apart? Why is so much harder to relate to them now than it was when I was a kid? Maybe it’s just me. They always treat me like nothing has happened and it’s always the same. But for me it isn’t really.
I don’t want to sound ungrateful. They’re family and they are really really important to me. My cousins, my aunts, my uncles I wouldn’t give them up for the world and I’d do anything for them and I trust them to be there for me. But not exclusively. I don’t think that those bonds are more substantive than the ones I forge and am trying to forge with my very closest friends.
I’m like you in that I don’t ask for help very often really. Not even of my family. In fact ironically the only times I’ve asked for help are almost always situations where I hope that by asking by help it will bring me closer to the other person. I don’t need the help I just want to show the person that I care about what they have to say and what they have to offer or I want to spend more time with them and hope to get to know them better. I don’t do this often by any means and I don’t think I’ve really bugged any of my friends that much with that. (I hope not! If I have I’m so sorry everyone!)
I do however, frequently offer my help to friends. And I’m no more or less generous to my family than I am to my very close friends. If it ever came to me having to make a choice between them, I dunno, I think my Mom’s teachings would cause me to choose my family first, or at least my immediate family, my brothers most notably. But I’m not sure. And I’m not sure if it would be right. I might also have a strong inclination to favor helping the person who is in the greatest need. Of course I’d try to help everyone if I can!
Sometimes I do get this weird feeling like I’m annoyed at people for not offering to help me though. I mean not even if I need their help because often I don’t and I wouldn’t accept it if offered, but sometimes I dunno I guess I keep having to remind myself that not everyone is really like me. And for many of those people who are friends that I want to think of as family, they may never be able to see me in anywhere near the same way. For them, family is family. And friends are just friends. A lot of people are like that I know. Maybe most people.
I just want to think that the lines between family and friendship can blur and we can open our hearts enough to include some friends as a part of our families.
Do you think I’m crazy for thinking that? huh. maybe I am.
@raindrops23 - LOL I just realized how insanely long that reply was! Gomen nasai!
While I agree with some and understand all of your points, I have to say this entry is coming from a bias of a relatively rosy childhood. Family means a much different thing to you than it would to people with a different experience.
For example, I had a relatively good childhood. My parents are still (happily) married, I was never abused, none of my family memebers are crazy drug addicts, but I don’t view “family” as an inalienable concept.
By and large I’m the black sheep of the family. I refused to go to the baptist private school past 8th grade, stopped going to church, then to top it all off I’m a lesbian with middle-left political views (sometimes I don’t know which if the two is worse for them.) So my experience growing up was vastly different than my siblings’. My parents set out on a mission to force me into the person they would consider “best.” This included, while not limited to sudden, unexplained house arrest, compulsory therapy, financial cut-off and one exorcism. One night i decided I was sick of it, packed my stuff and left with nothing but a note as goodbye (which eventually lead to my brief stint as a member of the homeless community, but that’s a whole different story.) We’ve made up to an extent since then, but my concept of family differs greatly from theirs.
I have never felt close with my family. Don’t get me wrong, I like my family, I just don’t feel any inescapable closeness with them. I don’t think I could feel close with people that reject so many things that make up the very core of who I am.
Hmm. Interesting. Sarah Dessen’s Lock and Key actually has quite a running commentary on the subject of family. And some of the characters actually share some of the perspectives in this entry.
You are very fortunate to have a close family. Not all of us are that blessed. I have a sister that lives in the same city, haven’t spoken in 5 months. Cherish what you have!
@elvesdoitbetter - So several people have described my family as being really wonderful and all that and I guess I can see where you all got that idea from my entry. I guess I didn’t describe all the bad things too. Like the struggle for money and scrounging and cutting corners when my dad was out of work, or the listening to my parents argue long into the night, or the struggles dealing with prejudice and intolerance and misunderstandings particularly of autism, the near cold war that has been waging for almost as long as I can remember between my younger brother and my Mom, and the huge communication gaps that persist in my family keeping us all extremely distant from one another at times.
Yeah, no family is really perfect and mine is far from that. But I guess it was *relatively* ok overall since like you I don’t have any drug dealers, drug addicts, murderers, criminals, rapists, or abusers in my immediate family. Everyone is a good person, so far as I know anyway.
And I guess my family is more tolerant than most too. Certainly nobody in my family has ever rejected me for my beliefs or who I am. Though my parents are more religious and more conservative than I am, that hasn’t really impacted our relationship significantly. And they never tried to force church or anything on me. So in that respect I guess it was sort of “rosy”.
And in a sense a lot of the hardships are part of what enforces the connection I feel with my family. It’s those shared experiences too that make me think of them as sort of an extension of my existence.
But I wonder what it would feel like if I were rejected by them fro some reason? Or if they were to try to force me to be someone I’m not? Would I be able to do what you did? I think so. I think I’d get the hell out of there. It’s not like I haven’t left places where I felt uncomfortable before. But at the same time, I don’t think I’d really feel any less close to my family. Maybe if it happened when I was younger I would be able to distance myself, but being as I am now I don’t think I’d be able to. Those bonds are too important to me, now, to simply let them go completely. There’d have to be something truly incredibly extraordinarily unforgivable that they’d have to do.
Yeah anyway, I get what you’re saying and I understand that a lot of people have different perspectives, like my friend, because they grew up differently and faced different hardships.
This is just the way I’ve come to think. I don’t expect it to apply to anyone else.
@resilient_raindrop - that sounds interesting. I’m going to reserve that book from the library right now!
@lostmojo - I know. And trust me I do cherish it. I hope that things work out between you and your sister in such a way that you are both happy.
Dude, I envy you…
Great post, again. Unfortunately for me, this one I can’t relate to the way I did the last one.
I am rarely comfortable around my own blood; I can only handle two of them, and only one-on-one.
@satanz_fave_daughter - thanks! I just like to write. Yeah reading these replies I’m starting to see how different my perspectives on family are from most people.
@nephyo - Well, you write well, albeit with the occasional grammatical error
The truth is, every intelligent person’s perspective will be slightly different, and that’s why it’s interesting to read. If you were to say the same things as me, I wouldn’t bother. But you’ve written well, about interesting subjects, and even if I can’t relate to your perspective, I can relate to your writing, and that’s what’s important in writer-reader relationships
… I kinda like that term… “writer-reader relationships”… It’s cute XD
@satanz_fave_daughter - Oh I pay zero attention to grammar. I mean none. I don’t care about it in the slightest. I figure if it’s good people will be able to figure it out. ^_^
I love that phrase “writer/reader relationship”. I’m definitely going to be working on improving that more and more.
@nephyo - Blasphemer! Grammar first, talky next
LoL!
Sorry, that just sounded funny in my head. Of course, my brain is off duty right now, so… yeah…