July 19, 2008

• Thoughts on Online Reputation

  These days I've had lots of cause to think a lot about our online
  reputations. What forges them and how fragile they can be. Online we
  are particularly vulnerable to misunderstandings, confusions, and
  uncertainties.  And online, there is this undercurrent of perpetual
  fear of stalkers, perverts, and psychopaths that influence our every
  interaction.
  
  
  
  But then I never used to worry about that or give it any thought at all
  you know? But these days I look back at a lot of what I've said and
  done online and I just wonder how I was perceived by others. And I have
  to admit, a lot of people probably did think I was sort of creepy. It'd
  be really easy to think so. I haven't been particularly cautious in my
  words or deeds. Honestly, I really didn't think it was that big a deal.
  If I said what I thought was true and what I thought was nice and a
  good thing to say, I figured it'd all work out somehow or another. But
  of course, now I wonder quite a bit about what sort of friendships may
  have died before they could have ever been forged because someone for
  some reason or another was unsettled by a poor choice of words on my
  part.
  
  
  
  
  
  It's funny then that humor I think is sort of become our refuge in this
  era of internet fear. It's hard to misunderstand humor. A joke is hard
  to take badly or to read too much into. With a joke you aren't promising anything. You aren't suggesting anything. You can't be leading anyone on. It's just a joke. Something
  silly that can be ignored and forgotten two seconds latter. Sincerity
  in contrast is unsettling. We find it more comfortable to be barely
  known strangers to one another exchanging an occasional joke here or
  there than to risk forming an attachment to someone who might be a
  little too serious about it or not quite right in the head. 
  
  
  But I imagine 99% of the time these fears are unwarranted. That's not
  to say there aren't evil psychos out there. There are. But the
  probability of you running into one, in passing is somewhat low.  Then
  again, for some the probability is going to be higher, since the people
  who are likely to be psychopathic are also going to be the ones seeking
  out connections and trying to forge links with people, in particular
  the people they perceive as being likely targets.  Something none of us thinks we are of course. The problem is it's
  not so easy to tell the difference between a regular person and a
  crazy. It's quite difficult in fact. I mean when you get right down to it we're all pretty crazy quite a lot of the time especially when our emotions are involved. And in the words of House, "Everybody Lies".

  But we all want to think we're so
  bright we can see through the lies and deceptions of others. Sure other
  people fall for that crap, but not me. I'm too smart
  for it. And then we take our luck and unlikeliness of it as proof that
  we are in fact that smart. Boosting our false egos. But deep down we're
  not nearly as confident as all that for all our bluster. We've heard
  too many stories, seen too many examples of intelligent well meaning
  people getting screwed over and being hurt. Badly.
  
  
  
  So we live in fear, most of us. Always second guessing every new person
  we meet online. Are they honest? Are they genuine? Are they true?  And
  then... it makes our reputations so easy to malign. If someone wanted
  to discredit someone else it would be trivial to do so. To spread lies
  or to insinuate terrible things about another would not be hard to do.
  And people would believe it too. Lots of people. And even the slightest rumor could easily poison all of that person's future interactions. It
  would make everyone who interacted with the maligned read too closely
  into everything that person says or does. It would make everyone wonder
  again and again, why would he or she say that? Why would he or she do
  that?  Even the most well meaning of people might find it easier to find flaw and fault in someone. To jump and shadows and see things that aren't really there. 
  
  
  
  Why do we find it so easy to doubt one another?  Because we have been
  expecting it. Because we have been fearing it all along. That there are
  going to be these crazy dangerous people out there. That they might
  come after me. That they might hurt me. That I might be a gullible sap.
  That I might be stupid. That I might be the victim. The fear feeds the
  belief. The fear creates and validates the belief. Weird huh?
  
  
  
  It's Wizard's First Rule:
  
  
  

  People can be made to believe any lie, either because they want to believe it's true, or because they are afraid it's true.
  

  
  
  
  
  I hate that series btw with a passion that burns
  brighter than a  thousand suns.  But I like that rule. Because it's
  totally true. Again and again and again it proves true.
  
  
  
  But it's also not particularly irrational in this
  case.  I mean it makes sense. An online connection is just an ephemeral link to most people. Why put any stake into it? It's much
  much easier to keep everyone online at a distance. It's much easier to
  think of everyone you meet online as just a random stranger that
  doesn't mean anything to you. And unlike in the real world chances are
  doing so won't particularly negatively impact your quality of life. You
  can still have your "real" friends and forget about those weirdos
  sitting in front of a computer screen half way across the world. At
  least you can say it isn't real. At least you can say it doesn't
  matter. It's just online.
  
  
  
  So when I think about how easy it is to start to doubt someone, how
  trivial it is to see inconsistencies in someone's words if you are
  looking for them, how simple it is to be confused or disturbed by
  someone's sentiment, and how much by any objective measure, wiser it
  is to just distance yourself and not trust and assume the worst in
  others... it makes me really grateful for all the people with whom I
  have become friends online. All the people who didn't think that I was
  some sort of a weirdo and cast me off or keep their distance. The
  people who decided to talk to me anyway and listen to my weird messages
  and read my odd Xanga entries and not run away screaming because I was
  leaving too many footprints on their blog or because I was leaving
  comments that were kind of overly nice or sending messages that were
  more than a little weird.  They were taking a huge risk I think now
  that I finally think about it. Maybe they still are.  But that makes
  them all the more amazing people in my eyes for being willing to see a
  stranger who lives many miles away from them as a person worthy of
  forging a friendship with.
  
  
  
  And that's why, although I'll definitely be more cautious with my
  words, I really want to be able to be a friend that always trusts
  people online. I hate it when I doubt. I hate that feeling of
  uncertainty. It makes the whole online experience less worthwhile to
  me. I'd rather trust and be trusted. Even if there is risk involved.
  Because I want real friendships online not just shallow connections. 
  That's the way I am.
  
  
  
  Some people say "trust needs to be earned". 
  
  
  
  I don't believe that at all.
  
  
  
  I think trust is something you give as a gift, no questions asked and
  not desiring anything in return.  And most people appreciate that gift.
  Most people, it inspires them to be more trustworthy. To be better.
  
  
  
  But some don't. Some decide to take that gift and stomp up and down on
  it and throw it in the trash. Well in that case, in my opinion, that's
  just their loss.
  
  
  
  

  • 1:20 pm
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