July 31, 2008
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[short] Writing Assignment #5
This is probably too long but oh well close enough.
Assignment #5: Write a great first half page.
“You promised.”
He could hear her voice as he lay
there with the desert sands burning their way into his wounds. The IED must have
taken most of him with it. He was surprised he was still conscious. He was so close he should have died instantly. He
wanted to die now.Talia had been insistent though. Just
before he had left for the war she had gripped him tightly all of a sudden. And she just looked at him her face terrified and
unwilling to let him go. She’d said it then the words that stayed
with him even now.“Promise me. No matter what happens.
You won’t give up.”That’s what she’d said. He’d laughed
at her.“What are you talking about? When
have you ever known me to give up.”“No!” She cried out with such
intensity that it had shocked him into silence.“Promise me.” What could he say to that?
“I promise.”
Relief seemed to flood into her like a
torrent and her death grip had loosened.“Good.” she whispered over and over again. “good…”
“Umm? You’re not making any
sense Talia.”She’d shrugged and then just hugged him tightly. Her mysterious gray eyes looked up into his.
“Now I know you’ll come back to me.”
But you lied,
Talia. He knew he wasn’t going
to make it out of this alive. He didn’t even want to. Even if the
Doctors managed to patch him up somehow he’d be less than half a man.
And the pain was excruciating. More than anything he just wanted to
give up.“But
you promised.”He
heard the words in his heart so he kept fighting to take another
breathe for his heart to beat just one more time. It was crazy but he did
it. Waiting. But still nobody came for him. Everyone probably assumed
he was already dead.But
it was because he didn’t give up, just as she asked, that he was still alive when the
dark shadows came slithering across the sands to claim him as one
of their own.
Comments (4)
Hey so I added the group, but I’m not too sure where you are getting these assignments from. Thanks again for the warm welcome.
As for some honest critiques, one of the hardest things for me to master is to “show, not tell”, but there are plenty of moments where I notice some showing. The second paragraph is a good example of this. Oh and the “mysterious gray eyes” seems a bit over done. But otherwise an interesting topic that I don’t see covered enough in a good manner.
@Requiem619 - Hey. I got all of these from rianahntr’s blog. The whole thing is her idea and she invented all of these assignments and a bunch more. I just thought it’d be cool to make a group of users to do them all and discuss them and possible challenge each other with more “assignments”.
Thanks for your critique! Good advice. I wanted something about Talia to emphasize the mysteriousness of her request since the story is going to turn more fantasy as it goes along. But yeah I agree with you. Thanks!
I am not a very good critic of anything but I enjoyed your work all the same.
@lhotsedog - Why thank you. I’m not much of a critic myself either but it’s always nice to hear that someone likes something you’ve written. Thanks.