I had a conversation yesterday about family. A friend of mine and I
were discussing a mutual friend's issues with family and naturally our
own family backgrounds became a subject of conversation as well.
My friend's position overall was basically this (I paraphrase):
The people who are our family are those who treat us like
family. If someone treats you really badly then that person is not your
family, no matter who they are, they're just someone who happens to be
related to you (by blood or whatever).
From her perspective this makes sense, given her background. But I wonder about it. It's a pretty hard line perspective.
There are other cases. And other ways of thinking. Take for example,
the parent, mother let's say, whose estranged child only uses her for
resources or threatens her or treats her terribly. Some mothers in
that situation can severe that connection, even though it would be
horribly painful to do so. Some can let go and move on.
Some can't.
Most I think can't. Many parents see their child as a part of their
identity. To give up on a child would be, virtually, to give up on
their very lives.To admit failure.
It might be easier for children to let go of their parents. And by
easier I still mean still pretty impossibly hard. But when you're
younger your mind will be more flexible. You'll be able to change. And
the hurt from estranged parents who treated you badly will settle in
deeper forging who you are. More will be able to let go. But even then,
many can't.
And for siblings, close siblings, I think it'd be hardest of all.
But maybe that's just me who thinks that. Because I have two brothers
and I can't imagine or conceive of ever letting them go. It's a
powerful connection, the sibling connection and one for which there is
no equal.
And that's because as long as you'll live you'll never find anyone else
who grew up like you did. Nobody else will ever share those memories
of growing up in that place at that time. Nobody else will remember
those Christmas mornings and summer vacations. Nobody else will
remember waking up in the morning rushing to get to school. Nobody else
will have had those parents give you those talks, enforce those values,
teach you those things. Nobody else will have grown up in that
neighborhood, living in that house, having those pets, riding around in
those cars, playing those video games, doing those chores, etc.,
etc.,etc. The same frustrations. The same hopes. It's almost as if you
are living the same *lives*. You can explain your childhood to someone
else, you can try to tell them the story of it so they'll understand
it, but in the end it will always be an incomplete understanding. They
didn't *live* it. But your siblings? They did.
These shared experiences create a kind of deep level of understanding
between siblings that is rarely replicated or neared in any other
relationship forged in a life time. Other connections can become as
deep or deeper, but they'll always be *different*.
I think of my brothers, and I honestly can't imagine a circumstance
that would make me simply "let go" of them. To not consider them
family, is impossible for me. Even if one or both of them were to treat
me like absolute shit, they'd still be my brothers. They'll always be
my brothers. I'd still try to find a way to help them. To fix it. To make it better.
It's sort of an interesting thing, that the only people with whom I
have never felt even the slightest bit of anxiety around, the only
people with whom I *always* feel comfortable conversing are my
brothers. Even when I don't have a clue what to say to them. It's fine.
I feel comfortable around them. I've always felt that I can relate to
them, even though so many of their experiences have been different from
mine. That shared history still binds us. It's that kind of connection.
And yet... it's also an interesting characteristic of the sibling
relationship is that it is one in which infused in every moment of it
is the unassailable truth of the near inevitability of eventual
separation. Whereas certain romantic relationships, the expectation or
at least the hope is that it will forge into a link that will last a
life time, ever growing closer together. With the sibling relationship,
you know all along, that you'll all grow up and grow away... and
probably though you'll try your hardest not to, grow apart too. Each
of you will go off and travel on your own, make your own home, make
your own friends, and maybe have your own families. That's the future
that awaits the siblings.
And maybe that's also part of what makes it such a powerful connection.
All those years being together knowing that it is transient, maybe that
makes us cherish it all the more.
Well honestly I can't imagine estranging myself from my parents either.
But I've been lucky to have incredible parents whom I have enormous
respect for and who have always treated me probably a lot better than
I've deserved. If I had a deadbeat Mom or Dad, who abandoned me, who
abused me, or who wasn't there when I needed them, maybe I could see
myself learning to let go of them. Learning not to think of them as
"family" any more, but rather just as the people who happened to be
responsible for the accident of my birth.
I think for some of us, there are family that once you really start
thinking of them as *family*, you'll never be able to distance yourself
from that completely. It would be easier to lose both arms, both legs
and an eye or two than to leave that person out of your life,
completely. For some of us, the connection was so important to us at
one point, that we'd rather keep it open, in some shape or form even if
that person continues to hurt us. Again and again and again. We'll
just keep hoping. Keep striving to fix the relationship. Somehow. To
save the person. To turn him or her back into who he or she used to be.
Somehow. Or to retrieve the feeling that made that relationship special, that made it precious to us in the first place.
Is this a good attitude? Is it right? It seems destructive and
dangerous and oh so painful a way to live. Easier to severe our bonds
at the very moment where they become destructive or harmful to us and
reforge them again if and when the other is willing. Safer. Cleaner
that way. Happier too, eventually.
But impossible. The opposite is crazy and stupid but oh so very human.
My Mom used to drill into us, my brothers and I, the importance of
family. Under her value systems your family is the one group in the
world that you can always rely on. They're the people who will be there
for you when nobody else will be and with whom you can feel as if you
are in this crazy struggle of life together. She always saw the family
as the most important unit of the community, the core of your support
group, the foundation upon which you will build your life. And that's
how it was for her too. She came from a big family and her siblings
were and *are* her best friends in the whole wide world. With the
exception of her husband and her children, they're the only people she
really and truly would trust and have faith in no matter what
happened. And since her siblings were taught under the same value
system it's pretty much the same with them. It was the one lesson I
think my Mom most wanted us to learn, that no matter what happens
always have a place for your brothers in your life. Always.
I'm a little different from my Mom though. Although I do think that
that connection with my brothers is special. As is the connection with
my parents, and cousins and aunts and uncles. Still, I don't believe in
the exclusivity of that family moniker like my Mom did. I think there
have been and there can be people whom I can become so close that
although I use the word "friend" to describe them, I think of them
really as being family to me. And
all that that entails. There are people who I think of as brothers and
sisters. They didn't share those experiences I did growing up, and
we'll never really understand each other in *that* way exactly. But
their still siblings in my mind. They mean just as much to me and I'd
still do anything for them. I'll always find a place for them in my
life if they have a need. Always.
And I think for those people I'd have the same problem though. Once I
start to see them as really and truly being family, I think it'd be
near impossible for me to ever let them go. I'd always have faith in
them. I'd want to never give up on them. Even if I discovered that they
had no respect for me, that they never cared about me as much. Or even if they never cared about me at all. They'd be family anyway.
It's crazy.
So what exactly does count as family? I don't really know.
[disclaimer if you work for xanga and/or have many hundreds or thousands of subscriptions you are exempt from this clause. If I didn't include you, it's because I'm an inherently jealous and envious person, even though I probably really love your blog. ^_^]
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