Month: July 2008

  • Kryptonite

    I'm pretty sure if Superman existed today and was a regular member of
    society with no special status whatsoever, this is what people would
    say to him when they found out about his weakness:


    "What's the big deal it's just a green rock?"


    "Oh get over it!"


    "Buckle down and face your fears!"


    "Get over yourself, ya crybaby! It's a rock."



    You see it's very hard for us in this world to understand that
    subjective experiences differ. If something seems not particularly hard
    to deal with to us we assume generally that it isn't that hard for
    everyone else too. We might understand that it's harder. But it's hard
    for us to stretch our mind to the point that we think it is really all *that* hard
    for them. We generally think, if we can do something, and somebody else
    can't, then that person just needs to try harder. Work harder. Do more.
    We'll happily cheer them on, but we won't really struggle too hard to
    try and understand how the way in which they experience something
    differs from our own.



    This phenomenon shows up most notably in psychological impediments.
    Even more so than physical or intellectual barriers we find it
    difficult to conceive that there can be a psychological wall impeding
    our behavior that is every bit as strong and difficult to get past as
    any wall made of brick or mortar and sometimes much harder.



    Take for example someone who is claustrophobic. We will see frequently
    that in interactions with the claustrophobic people constantly "forget"
    that they are effected by tight places. And often we will look upon
    them oddly as if they were some sort of twisted alien or freak for
    being incapable of getting on an elevator. If we encounter them in a
    closed space, our behavior toward them will generally be rather
    extremely insensitive to their plight. We sort of act like maybe if
    they go into enough closed spaces and ride in enough elevators they'll
    "get over it" and see that there's nothing to fear and be able to move
    on. 



    The arrogance of that attitude makes me sick.



    So too with other kinds of psychological impediments. 



    Take Tourette Syndrome as an example.  This is an inherited
    neuropsychiatric disorder.  Meaning it's hardwired into you when you are
    born. And you had no say in the matter. The symptoms include things
    like rocking back and forth or shaking or twitching or fiddling with
    stuff or sniffling or excessive blinking or coughing or facial
    movements or various other kinds of tics or random blurting out of words and phrases or forgetting
    what you are about to say in mid sentence.  Things like that.  As many
    as ten in every one thousand children may have at least a mild case of
    Tourette Syndrome. Although never diagnosed, I am positive that I am
    one of them (probably a very mild case). I rock back and forth, tap my feet, and forget what I was
    about to say in mid sentence.  And other things. I've done things like
    this for as long as I can remember. And no amount of trying to stop
    myself works. Even if i focus my mind and try really hard to refrain
    from rocking all the time, the very next time I'm not paying attention
    I'll be rocking again. I won't even realize I am doing it until
    someone else points it out to me. It's not a "bad habit". It's
    hardwired. A part of who I am.



    But of course people tell you "sit still" and frown upon that behavior.
    They just tell you to "stop", as if it were easy or trivial a thing to
    do. People see it as a bad habit. Something that can be learned or
    unlearned just by force of will. If you can't stop rocking, or
    twitching or whatever well then you must be a weak willed person. So
    bone up.  Get over it.



    Take for example Social Anxiety Disorder.  This one's more "popular" in
    that it is very well known that people suffer from it. But alas, that
    doesn't mean that people understand it or are very tolerant of the
    phenomenon. Rather the general assumption is that you just need to put
    yourself into more social situations, be more open and outgoing,
    challenge yourself... and then... magically it'll just get better. 
    It's like the Claustrophobia example. Just do it enough. Then it'll be
    fine.



    Imagine if it were Superman and we told him to just keep exposing himself to Kryptonite. Just keep doing it. Here ya go Clark! Keep these green rocks around your desk. See they aren't so bad? They're just rocks after all.



    Of course Clark will be dying the whole time. But it's all in his head
    of course! I mean *we* don't feel bad when we're around Kryptonite so
    why should he?



    ...



    Sometimes I'm reading someone's writing and they talk about how they
    "grew up" and got over their social anxiety or their shyness by forcing
    themselves to blah blah blah bleh.  It always bothers me to read that. 
    Either they didn't really get over it and are just pretending.



    Or they didn't really have it.



    At least not like I do. Sure maybe they did get over whatever it is
    that was holding them back. I don't pretend to understand the
    subjective experience of others. But they're not like me. And it isn't
    a matter of growing up or trying harder. It isn't something you just
    one day wake up and say "It's all gone now! Yaayy! Time to have a
    party!"  The experience is always there. And I'm not talking about in
    the back of my mind either. It's right there at the forefront.
    Effecting every word I say every movement I make. An unsettled
    discomfort bordering on the desire to escape.



    I'm used to it now though. And I can face it and I do over and over
    again. I have no choice. It's the way society is ordered. But the
    discomfort is there. It's always hard.



    And I'm only probably a moderate case at most. (I am realizing that I
    have something else that is far more dangerous and debilitating but I
    don't feel like writing about it today)



    It's like Superman. How many times has he been exposed to Kryptonite?
    How often has he willingly jumped into situations where Kryptonite was
    there in order to achieve something or save someone? Over and over
    again he does it. Over and over again he will. But even after a
    thousand times being exposed. On the thousandth and first he'll still
    be risking death, he'll still fear horrible and miserable in the
    presence of the Kryptonite. He just will. It's not something he can
    change. It's who he is.



    We all have things like that about us.  Lots of things maybe. But still
    we act as if being human is a process of outgrowing and defeating the
    same set of hindrances one at a time in set progression. And we look
    upon each other and far too often judge each other on the basis of our
    performance at those tasks.



    You can't determine how weak or strong someone is by their success or
    failure at the very tasks that you pursue, because the level of
    challenge entailed in each task differs per the person.



    We're just not that alike. We're all from different Kryptons and we each have our unique meteor rocks to deal with.
    ----------------------------
    Edit:  I just want to clarify here that I am *not* saying all of these examples are incurable afflictions and that there is nothing you can do about them at all. I don't believe that at all. People can and do change all the time. It's just that what that means and what that entails can differ significantly by the person. Something that seems like an easy change for you to make might well be colossally difficult for someone else.

    I guess that leads to an obvious point that I don't think society has a right to ask or demand that people change or conform in most situations. Superman faces his Kryptonite out of a sense of virtue and duty and being the goody-two-shoes that he is. And likewise if someone wants to change, no matter how hard it will be for them, because it will improve the quality of his or her life, more power to them. But if you don't, if it's too damn hard for you, who is anyone else, who doesn't know what it's like for you to say you're just being a wimp about it?

  • something else...

    These days I am so bored. I've got plenty to do. Tons. I'm just bored anyway.   



    I've got that feeling again. The need for something else. Something
    more. It's like this feeling like I'm not involved in enough stories.
    As if life is too simple. Too plain. The feeling that there's more out
    there for me that I haven't found yet.



    I always feel like this.  Back when I was a kid my Mom says my favorite
    phrase was "I want something else". And when I was in my last place. I
    moved here. And before that I moved there. And before that I quit my
    job. And before that I moved to that other place. And before that I thought about
    dropping out of college. I didn't. I'm glad I didn't.... But I wish I
    did.



    There aren't enough stories. Not enough is happening. Objectively
    everything is going well. It's all working out. I'm meeting people,
    helping people, doing well at work. Everything is fine... Just fine...



    A conversation. Someone said roughly (I paraphrase) "I'm OK with the way things are now. But one day I'll want something more."


    Exactly. That's exactly it.  I'm okay. Right now. Not great. Not terrible. Just okay.


    But the question is:  How long will being just okay be okay?

    So Bored.

    There's gotta be something else....

  • Progress?

    5 week project: 

    week 1:   Progress made:  5%
    week 2:   Progress made: 5%
    week 3:   Progress made: 0%  (I didn't feel like working that week)
    week 4:   (I will work hard this week!)  Progress made  15 % 

    Uh oh.

    Week 5:

    Day 1.  Progress made:  3%    Total progress: 28%
    Day 2:  Progress made:  5%   Total progress:  33%
    Day 3:  Progress made:  6%   Total progress:  39%
    Day 4:  Progress made:  9%   Total progress:  48%
    Day 5:  (It's a holiday damn it!)    Progress made:  3%    Total Progress:  51%

    Remaining: 49%!

    Oh shit!!!

    Day 6:  (all nighter) Progress made:  30%   Total progress:  81%
    Day 7: Progress made:  15%    Total progress:  96%  (at this point I considered it presentable and was no longer afraid for my future, went to sleep at around 3 AM, woke up at 7 AM)

    Morning of due date:  Progress Made: 3%    Total Progress: 99%

    Fudged the last 1%

    W00T!  I did it!

  • dying? so what if you are

    thinking... thinking...

    what if you were dying? 

    yeah yeah we're all dying. but I mean what if you knew or strong suspected that you only had a distinct limited amount of time left to reside in this world. Say you're terminally ill or could glimpse into the future and see the exact date of your death.

    What would you do then? How would you lead your life differently? What would you care about? Who would you tell? How would you cope with that knowledge?

    Right now, most of us, just assume we'll live until our old age. Well maybe we might say we're probably not going to live to be that old, but we still live as if we were. We make choices as if we're always going to be here to follow through on them and see the outcomes. Although we are finite, we often act as if thanks to our ignorance we're infinite.

    But if you were forced to face the finite nature of your existence would it change you? Would you be the same person afterward?

    I think it depends a lot on the duration.

    If you only have a matter of days or weeks to live I think it'd be easy. You just stop sleeping. Stop waiting. Stop stalling. Stop thinking. And just start DOING for the rest of your days.

    You can just throw all inhibitions to the wind and say to hell with everything. Sell everything you own. Go on trips around the world. Write your memoirs. Eat all your favorite foods. Go to all your favorite places. Tell everyone you've ever known exactly what you think about them and all the things you've always held in before. Give people all the advice your modest lifetime of wisdom has brought about.

    Break the rules. Rule the day. Spend every moment living your life to the fullest. That's what you do if you only have a short time.

    After all it doesn't really matter right? In a few weeks you won't be here. Go ahead and tell everyone you're dying. In fact announce it the world why not? Cry out: "I'm dying! Party on ME!"  And you just try to have fun. Try to find whatever joy and meaning you can in those oh so brief days.

    That's one scenario. But what if you knew you were dying but it was a long way off, say 15 years, 20, or 25. What then? 

    I think that'd be almost as easy. I mean in that time frame you can basically do virtually anything anybody else can do. You can be successful. You can get rich. You can fall in love half a dozen times. You can have children and raise them to or near adulthood. You can change the world. You can maybe even be president. Sure you might miss out on being a grandparent and a great grandparent and you might miss out on retiring but for the most part you have the freedom to live a full life without feeling that anything was left undone.

    What's more with that much time, who knows right? Maybe your terminal disease will get cured. Maybe you'll get rich enough to be able to afford some sort of treatment that stems it off and gives you a few more years. Or maybe you find a way to avoid whatever impending disaster you foresee causing your demise. In any case there's no reason to rush or worry about anything particularly. You might live your life a little more intensely knowing that it will be a relatively short one. But you'd still be able to *live* your life.  No problem. The knowledge would always be there in the background but you can sort of forget about it for the most part, if you let yourself.

    In this case you could tell people or not as it won't really matter. Most people won't be able to really grasp the idea that you'll be gone that far along the line. They'll treat you as they usually do, except perhaps occasionally being a little sad as melancholy hits them. They might be a little bit nicer to you though, or maybe not if they try hard not to be. But mostly life would proceed as normal.  You have plenty of time to teach them not to pity you.

    The worst case is the case where you are between these two extremes. That I think would be hardest. What if you only had three to five years left to live? What then? 

    I think that'd be hard. Almost impossibly hard. You'd have just enough time to try and strive but not enough time to know the ultimate results. You'd have enough time to do things one way but not enough time to fail and try again and again until you succeed. Everything would feel like it's a rush. It'd be like you were in a race against time trying to achieve as much of that complete life as you possibly can during your brief life span.

    The instinct to just stop and give up and say to hell with it all would be very strong I think. But then what? 5 years is too long to bum around comfortably. You pretty much have to keep striving or be miserable. So maybe you end up being miserable while striving for things you probably won't ever be able to have.

    But the worst part would be, I think, the question about whether to tell people about it. If you told people that could influence their every interaction with you. Their every decision with regards to you might be partially driven by that knowledge that you aren't going to be there in 5 years. And that's something I think I would *hate*. I wouldn't be able to stand the thought of people pitying me. I wouldn't be able to stand the fact that I have to second guess every act of kindness and benevolence or generosity and wonder if they are only doing it because I was dying? During my days left I'd want people to treat me and know me as myself, not as "someone who is dying".

    So I'd tell no one. I'd do all that I could to make sure nobody knew about it until the last minute.  I'd live with that knowledge buried within me. I'd keep everyone out and pretend like nothing is wrong.

    And I think... that would be really very lonely. 

    But maybe I'm too cynical. You *could* still do a lot during 3-5 years. You can make many friends. You can make good friends. True friends that will always be there for you. You can resolve conflicts and solve problems that you had set aside. You could have fun experiences. You can do a good job and be moderately successful. You can learn from people and teach people and help people. You could still fall in love. You could still be happy, most of the time. That knowledge of your impending demise might always be there in the back of your mind threatening to overwhelm you, but that doesn't mean you can't still *live* in spite of it.  You can tell that future to go to hell and live your life today as best you can. In that sense, you don't have to be any different from anyone else.

    And most important of all, I think you can appreciate all of those good things more than those who don't know their end is coming. That's true I think of anyone who is dying regardless of the time frame. If you are cognizant and aware of this fact, you can feel more connected to the world and your life. Everything can mean more to you.

    Buried in the depths of Plato's dialogs there is a concept of levels of happiness. The idea he tries to exert is that happiness that derives only from your desires or only from your courage is a lesser kind of happiness to the deeper kind you get when your wisdom and your courage and your desires are all in line, all in balance. The truer happiness than base pleasure can only be derived from the knowledge of the Good, from being Good.

    If there are levels of happiness, deeper and realer happiness. I wonder if not a true realization that your time is short wouldn't enable you to have a truer happiness day by day than those of us who live a life pretending to be infinite and end up sleep walking through our lives unable to truly grasp what's important...

    Dying or no, we're all the same really. All of us trying to find out how to live our lives to the fullest and to find the deepest happiness we can achieve.  And maybe we can all just keep helping each other do that.

  • Why can't "aint" be a word?

    So I always wondered like since I was in early grade school... what's so horribly wrong with the four letter sequence of a, i, n, and t  that it gets so attacked so frequently?  I mean that poor language token must be the loneliest sequence of letters in the world. It's been around forever. It's totally unambiguous what it means. It's not inherently offensive in any way. And yet... for some reason people ridicule it. They make it an outcast. They refuse to let it join the dictionary and play with the other letter sequences! It's the perpetual outsider.  Poor, poor aint. Why hath they forsaken thee?

    I think... it's because people *love* to say the phrase "aint aint a word!"  but that's a pretty  selfish reason to keep "aint" down don't you think?