August 7, 2008
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Watching People Hurt
One of the worst feelings in the world is observing someone in pain and not being able to do anything. Our instinct is to try and fix it. To undo the problem. To go in there and beat the crap out of whoever caused them this terrible pain. To change the world in such a way as to make the pain go away.
But of course we can’t. So we end up sitting helplessly by not knowing what to do, afraid to overstep our bounds, wishing the pain away.
Sometimes we even get angry at the person. Irrationally angry of course. We think: Damn it why doesn’t that person just fix their problems! They won’t let me help them fix it and they won’t do it on their own. It can be soo frustrating for us observers. Sometimes we even start to blame the person for their own suffering.
Of course it’s a lie and we know it. The person we are really angry at is ourselves. Because we hate feeling so very helpless. Especially when it comes to the people we care about.
Of course, pain and suffering aren’t really something that always needs to be *fixed*. Sometimes sadness doesn’t need to be cured. Just because someone is hurting doesn’t mean they are affected by a disease. We don’t want to be analyzed and diagnosed like we are some lab specimen waiting for the right drug cocktail to take away our “imperfections”. Rather, we just want someone to understand what we are going through. To at least have a glimmer of what it must be like. To commiserate. And then to shut up and let us go through it. It’s our cross to bear. We’ll find our way through it. Somehow.
And that’s just it isn’t it? Breaking down. Hurting. They aren’t flaws. They aren’t something to apologize for or to feel guilty about. We certainly don’t want to be blamed or made to feel ashamed for feeling the way we do. As if being sad or having elements in our lives that drive us to hurt were some kind of cardinal sin to be ashamed of. They are a part of life too.
So we the watcher, what do we do? Usually sit around looking really stupid. And we say the empty words that everyone says and make the empty gestures that everyone does none of which ever changes anything. And we hope that it helps. At least a little.
Comments (18)
I’m in this state right now!!!
I want to help him. but how? everytime I knew that he has a problem in his studies. I just want to help me. I can’t. I don’t have the guts to say to him that he can count on me. he can’t even help himself.
I hate being the watcher, but am doomed to be the watcher for a good few months yet. But I’m good at cuddles and cuddles can help both the sufferer and the watcher, as can practical stuff and actions [probably more than words]. When I’m suffering it’s the intimacy and the actions that cause the most relief. Anybody can say empty words, but not everybody can do the things that make everything perk up a bit …
I know you don’t like recs that much…but this is totally rec worthy~we’ve all been in that role before.
Insightful
I believe our thoughts and intentions do influence others.
I’ve been the person that suffers many times. I’m actually tempted to say, “far too many times,” but it is, as you say, nothing to feel guilty for.
It’s better to know that someone wants to help and says those empty things, than to watch people say nothing at all. Trust me.
sometimes the only thing we can do is be a watcher and let those people know we are there, even if it is to just sit there with them, letting them know they aren’t alone. ^_^
Wow. this post has amazing timing. Just last night I had a fight with my ex boyfriend (who has caused me lots of pain) and he blamed me for my own problems and said just that “why can’t you just fix yourself?”… if you’d like you are welcome to beat him up for me
I’d greatly appreciate it. : )
Those useless gestures can feel so stupid when you’re the one watching… yeah.
But when I’m not doing so well, useless gestures are all I can get and I totally appreciate them. Interesting.
Sometimes, those empty gestures and phrases can make the greatest difference simply because you are extending them out to a person in need. To know that someone cares often is half or more of the battle.
Awwwwww
RYC: I’ve never relished the idea of writing things no one reads… ha, I like being read, that’s all.
What’s the worst is when you feel pain yourself and other people openly criticize you for it. Like you said, one doesn’t want to be blamed or feel ashamed for hurting. In my opinion that can make it even worse when you feel pain already, everyone disapproving of your reaction.
aww i know how that is. for some reason all my friends turn to me for comfort but there’s nothing i can say to make them feel better about anything. it makes you feel helpless.
How true. I can think of no greater feeling of helplessness than that of observing someone else in pain.
Pain isn’t always a bad thing. I mean, it obviously doesn’t feel good, but for many things it’s the only logical reactions. Quite often not feeling pain would be the unhealthy response. (Shall I parade my inner nerd and quote Lord of the Rings? That’s going to be a yes) Gandalf said it best, I think, “I will not tell you not to cry, for not all tears are an evil.” Sometimes, you just ned to feel it. You need to hurt. Then you can take care of the situation.
As a bystander, you just need to be the person that listens. Help if help is asked for, give advice when they’re not thinking clearly, but mostly just listen. Usually just having someone to confide in is the biggest help when something is going terribly wrong.
@buckeyegirl31 - honestly recommend whatever you want. If I really want something not to be recommended I’ll disable recommends or mark it is as protected. Yeah I get tired of the attention sometimes but I’ll deal with it. Thanks for thinking my writing is worthy of being recommended
@xxmusicxxfreak - hahaha. Just point me in the right direction I’ll get right on it! But um could is it ok if I catch him while he’s sleeping or otherwise in a situation where he can’t fight back?
@The_White_Belt - you’re right that’s really much worse. I really hate it when people attack people for feeling the way they do. As if emotions were some kind of a flaw.
@elvesdoitbetter - ”just listen” sounds easy but it is a remarkably hard thing to do sometimes. Some of us, our instincts cry out to find a way to fix things, especially for the people we care about. And we feel almost as bad when we can’t help another as when we are ourselves hurting. I agree with your Lord of the Rings quote, not all tears are an evil and sometimes we need to pass through the hurt to find peace or happiness, but it doesn’t make it any easier to watch.
@nephyo - This is true. And as a guy, it’s probably harder for you. Men (generally speaking) think of problems in terms of how to fix them. What’s the point of talking about them if not to find a way to fix it, right? Bur more often than not there really isn’t anything than can be done about the situation. You just have to hug it out. Sometimes the only resolution to a problem is figuring out what it means to have to live with it.