August 10, 2008

• I find people tiring… even online

  If you read nothing else, of this entry, just read this article. It’s really good.
  
  
  
  A friend of mine I was chatting with yesterday online said that it
  seemed like I was distracted. She was telling me about things that were
  happening in her life but she said she didn’t really want to talk about
  it because it seemed like I wasn’t paying any attention. That I wasn’t
  focusing. She said I was being a bad friend. That I was slacking.
  
  
  
  Hearing that made me feel bad. After, she said she was just joking and
  didn’t mean it. And I know she was. But she wasn’t exactly wrong either. I wasn’t focused.
  I wasn’t really paying that much attention to her or anyone.  I was
  just… tired.

  She’s not the first person to accuse me of being a bad friend. I’ve been a bad friend… lots of times.  And believe me I know it better than anyone else. Sometimes I don’t return phone calls. Sometimes I don’t return letters or respond to emails or respond to IMs. Sometimes I just don’t interact with you and even when your standing right there sometimes I lose focus and have one of my Osaka moments where I’m thinking about something else. And sometimes, yes, I avoid people. Even close friends who mean a lot to me. Sometimes I just need to get away from them. Sometimes I can be awfully rude.
  
  
  
  You may have noticed I haven’t been commenting as much. Or chatting as
  much online. Or posting as much. Or replying to all of your comments.
  There’s a reason for it you know. It’s not so much life is getting in
  my way. And no I’m not too busy watching the Olympics (my TV is broken
  actually so I don’t watch anything).  The reason is rather simple. 
  I’ve been tired. Tired of dealing with people online.  I needed a break.
  
  
  Back when I was rambling on about Kryptonite, someone
  posted a link to an article that I found enlightening. I’d tell you who
  that person is, but there was no link to her blog, so I presume she’s
  some sort of Spirit who came down from the heavens to bless me with
  this piece of brilliance. Either that or she’s a Ninja. Either way,
  same difference. I’m glad she posted this article. I’ve already shared
  it with some of my close friends. I wanted to write about it here too
  but I never got around to it until now.
  
  The
  article was called Caring For Your Introvert.   It’s a discussion of
  the nature of introversion and how it is perceived by and misunderstood
  by society. It offers suggestions as to how you can be more considerate
  and understanding of introverts in your life.   Here’s an excerpt from
  the article:
  
  
  

  “…introverts are people who find other people tiring. Extroverts are energized by people, and wilt or fade when alone. They
  often seem bored by themselves, in both senses of the expression. Leave
  an extrovert alone for two minutes and he will reach for his cell
  phone. In contrast, after an hour or two of being socially “on,” we
  introverts need to turn off and recharge. My own formula is roughly two
  hours alone for every hour of socializing. This isn’t antisocial. It
  isn’t a sign of depression. It does not call for medication. For
  introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as
  sleeping, as nourishing as eating. Our motto: “I’m okay, you’re okay—in
  small doses.”"
  

  
  
  
  
  
  I remember way back I was in High School and my Mom got me to go on
  this weird bus trip with a bunch of people I didn’t know. Basically it
  was to tour a bunch of historically black colleges across the East
  Coast and learn about them. I think it was more to get me socializing
  with people than any real attempt to seriously get me to consider going
  to one of those schools. Of course, my Mom would have been very happy
  if I did go to one of those schools and my family would probably be
  more financially secure too, since most of them would surely have given
  me a full ride. But I didn’t end up going to one of those schools.
  
  
  
  Anyway, during that field trip I remember a girl my age I didn’t know remarked something along the lines of this:
  
  
  
  “You’re awfully quiet. Are you shy or something?”
  
  
  
  And I replied: “No. Not really. I just don’t much feel like talking to people.”
  
  
  
  She laughed and said: “That’s what it means to be shy!”
  
  
  
  I mumbled something about thinking it was different.  But I couldn’t
  really find the words to express myself. This article however explains
  it quite clearly that idea I was trying to put my finger on way back
  then. The fact that I don’t talk that often and the fact that I avoid
  social encounters and like to spend time by myself alone is not
  sufficient to conclude that I am “shy”. When we say “shy” usually the connotation is that you are painfully terrified of other people. Like
  you want to run away and crawl into a hole. We get the image of like a
  puppy or a kitten or something shivering in the corner afraid to come
  out and because of the people around.   That’s not me. It never was.
  Rather, I just get tired of people. I get bored quickly of conversation
  and interaction. I don’t want to be “on”. I don’t have any desire to
  have to deal with figuring out something to say or do here and now to
  keep the conversation going and flowing and making everyone feel
  comfortable. It’s really exhausting.
  
  
  
  Well truthfully, I really AM a little shy too. More than most people. I
  have a considerable amount of social anxiety especially in highly
  formal situations. But the fact that I am an introvert is the more
  overriding personality trait that governs my interactions with people.
  It’s because I’m an introvert that I’m not quick to jump into
  conversations and I often seem like I have nothing to say. And it’s
  because I’m an introvert that I sometimes need time by myself. A LOT of
  time by myself.
  
  
  
  When I was very young I used to go to this hill back outside behind the
  apartments and I’d just sit there on the dirt and watch the bugs
  crawling around. It was so peaceful and so interesting. But I was by
  myself and I loved it. I was sort of annoyed when they built a park
  near where that hill was because then there’d be people always there. I
  didn’t have my sanctuary. 
  
  
  
  At home I’d always lock myself in my room. But who doesn’t when they
  are a kid? Sometimes though I’d spend in ordinate times in the bathroom
  too just because nobody was there and nobody could bother me.
  
  
  
  High School and Middle School were some of the most miserable times in
  my life for all kinds of reasons, but in retrospect one of the things
  that made it so very hard was that in those cramped schools there was
  never any place where I could go to be *alone* for any period of time. 
  If you went outside you were presumed to be up to no good. The hallways
  were always super packed with people. The only time I found any
  relative peace was sort of at lunch time. I’d sit off in the corner and
  even though the cafeteria was always crowded. I could sort of will the
  rest of the people away and feel like I was in my own world. Sometimes
  it worked. Sometimes it didn’t.  It worked better if I went to lunch
  early or late when there wasn’t as big of a crowd.
  
  
  
  In school the only reason I ever cut class or cut school was just for
  that ability to take time for myself. So I could be by myself. To
  recharge. There was no other reason. I did that a number of times. It
  helped a lot to have a day at home alone sometimes with nobody around.
  When I went back to school the next day I’d always feel better able to
  face the challenges of the day. I was re energized.
  
  
  
  It didn’t change when I got older either. When I was in College I had a
  miserable experience with one of my roommates who never seemed to leave
  the dorm room and always wanted to talk to me. It drove me absolutely
  insane. I ran away to random empty classrooms and would just lie on the
  floor in the middle of the classroom and nap, content to be *alone* for
  a while.  Then sometimes students would come in about to have a class
  or wanting to use the classroom for something and I’d get really weird
  looks.  Oh well. It was the most comfortable place I could go and be
  alone.  At one point a close friend of mine told me about the health
  center which would let you if you if you really needed a respite use
  one of their rooms and a bed to sleep in for the night. I only used
  that service twice. I felt bad about it because I always thought
  there’d be others whose need was greater than mine. And it was weird
  having to try and explain why I wanted to go there. I just was tired of
  having people around. The people in the dorm rooms, in the classrooms,
  and my roommate. It all was driving me insane.
  
  
  
  After College when I was living at home I’d sometimes just jump in my
  car and drive somewhere. It didn’t matter where. I’d just go and drive
  and end up in a parking lot somewhere. And there… I’d just spend the
  whole day sitting in my car or getting out of my car and walking around
  or sitting on the pavement and I’d read my books or write in a notebook
  or listen to the radio or eat or sleep.  It didn’t matter if I was gone
  for thirty minutes or five or six hours but I needed that time by
  myself knowing that nobody could find me even if they wanted to. It
  brought me peace.
  
  
  
  When I was working in Delaware and living at home with my parents I
  would use some of my sick days to have time by myself.  But most often
  I just stayed really really late. I mean I found that refreshing. I
  could work late in the office after everyone had gone home and I’d be
  at peace. I’d also get a heck of a lot more done. And people thought I
  was so dedicated to work to be working so late. Well I was, but as much
  as I wanted to get the work done I also just wanted the time to myself.
  I needed it.
  
  
  
  More recently there were times when I needed to be myself and I’d just
  run away and drive off somewhere and go to a random hotel somewhere.
  I’d just stay there for a couple of nights all by myself. It was a
  total waste of money but it was energizing. It made me feel more *me* afterward. And I could order my thoughts and control my emotions. It
  helped a lot. Especially when I was going through hard times and I
  didn’t feel like I had anyone I felt comfortable with talking to.
  
  
  
  When I moved to Indiana I thought I’d be able to make myself be a
  little more social too and I didn’t have a lot of friends here so I
  made an effort to get to know more people. At one point a friend
  invited me to a dinner party which lead to bowling and then another day
  a cookout. I was really uncomfortable though. The dinner party was the
  worst because it was so pseudo-formal. And I found myself distracted
  and distant and filled with unnecesary anxiety. But the whole
  experience overall left me feeling exhausted. I kept feeling the need
  to escape within my own mind to find something else to focus on.  I
  wanted to periodically go off and be by myself. It didn’t help that I
  really didn’t have anything to contribute with regards to the
  conversation at hand.  Probably I should have gone off. Taken a five
  minute break outside and gathered my thoughts.  I think it would have
  gone better had I done that.  But I didn’t.
  
  
  
  Anyway the day after I just secluded myself from the world for a while.
  I gave myself distance. I needed peace. I needed to re energize.  Of
  course… I still want to meet new people and make more friends. Just
  not like that. I find people too tiring for those kinds of encounters
  to ever be my cup of tea.
  
  
  
  And you know I don’t mind talking to people or listening to people. That’s not it at all. I find people fascinating. I love hearing your stories. And I enjoy a theoretical
  conversation about something that interests me or a deep or serious
  conversation about something that matters. Talk to me about politics or
  society. Or about something cool like anime or video games. Or about programming or the internet or philosophy or human nature. It might
  take me a while to feel comfortable but after a while I’ll get into it
  and I’ll have great fun. It’s not that I don’t LIKE people or LIKE
  talking to people. It’s just that even after these experiences I feel
  like I’ve run a marathon or something. I’ll probably want you to just
  go away and leave me ALONE. I need to close down shop for a while. Come
  back another day.
  
  
  
  Apparently being an introvert runs in the family too. My Mom used to
  tell me stories about how she grew up in this cluttered house with lots
  of siblings and that there were just times when she needed to be by
  herself. And on those times her Dad would sometimes find her just
  sitting by herself in a closet. And he’d say something to her mother
  like: “That girl’s sitting in the closet again” and then walk away and
  leave her there.  My Dad is also somewhat introverted but he was an
  only child so he usually had times when he could be by himself.  And he
  wasn’t as introverted as my Mom who was I think the most introverted of
  her family. He’s quieter just not as introverted. So I got both characteristics.
  
  
  
  And I’m way more introverted than the both of them. So are both of my brothers too I think. It’s just the way we are.
  
  
  
  But I thought online I was different.  I thought online I would be more extroverted.
  
  
  
  I was wrong though. I find all of you just as tiring online as I do offline. Strange isn’t it?
  
  
  
  Well it’s true I AM different online. So different most of you won’t
  recognize me if you were to interact with me in person. I’m more
  comfortable. I find it easier to find the words to say and I don’t
  hesitate to state my opinion. I’m not cautious. I rant. I express my
  emotions. And I’m loooonggg winded online. I say a LOT. I don’t shut
  up. I ramble a lot.  
  
  
  
  In person I choose my words carefully. I don’t volunteer stuff unless
  someone asks. I rarely insert my opinion. I’m quiet.  Around most
  people, most of the time, I’m just very very quiet.
  
  
  
  A lot of that is the social anxiety I talked about before and I talked
  about in Kryptonite. I have no clue where it comes from, but I know
  that anxiety just doesn’t exist for me online. I feel none of it.  I’m
  not that self conscious online. I’ve embarrassed myself online sure, as
  many times as I have in the real world. But somehow that fear of
  slipping up isn’t there anyway. I’m comfortable interacting with people
  online. I even enjoy it!
  
  
  
  Except when I get sick of you all.
  
  
  
  Because I’m still an introvert and sometimes you know, I just don’t
  WANT to interact with you. Sometimes I just need some time to my online
  self. I just need to recharge and I need to not be the focus of your attention so much.
  
  
  
  And you know I’m really flattered when my entries get recommended and
  when they get featured. I’m awed and amazed that people like my writing
  that much. And honestly, I want *more* of it too. I’d love to be a
  famous online xangan elite, xangalebrity, or whatever you want to call
  it. I admit it, I’m greedy like that.
  
  
  
  But I’ll never be that because I get so very very tired of the
  interaction required. I just don’t want to read and comment sometimes.
  I don’t want to make friends with people and be friendly with them all
  the time. And yeah I don’t feel like replying to all your comments or
  acknowledging you. I’d love for you to read my blog and I’d probably
  find your blog really interesting if I read it, and I’d have a lot to
  say…. but I probably won’t and honestly it’s ok by me if you don’t
  read. Please don’t recommend all the time. Please don’t put me on the
  front page for a week or longer. A little fame is cool. Too much and
  yeah I want to run away.
  
  
  
  This has NOTHING to do with the way the featured content system is
  setup. It doesn’t mean I don’t have enough ideas to keep my blog clever
  and interesting enough for people to keep stopping by and reading. Lol.
  Gods know I NEVER am at a loss for things to write about. And maybe I’m
  arrogant but I think a vast majority of the things I have on the back
  burner waiting for me to write about are clever and interesting and
  honest and true. And I think lots of people would want to read it all.
  Though I don’t really think all that many people would really have the
  TIME to read it all.  Still, I think I could, even, if I wanted to
  tailor my writing to become really popular by focusing on only certain
  kinds of writing (the humorous and the controversial tend to sell as to
  entries about Xanga) and taking the time to shorten my works to make
  them more palatable and maybe adding pictures and crap. I have no doubt
  in my mind I could succeed. I’m arrogant like that.
  
  
  
  But I’d find it all exhausting. Even being featured the first time made
  me withdraw into myself and not want to write or comment for a while.
  The second and third time in close succession to one another I thought
  I’d weather better but it only took a little longer before I got tired
  of trying to interact with people and needed to take lengthy Xanga
  breaks. I never did reply to all the comments on my blog. And I don’t
  read the blogs of everyone who reads me though I think that’s rude and
  I really should. I try to read as much as I can you know and I read A
  LOT of other blogs and I always try to leave detailed and interesting
  comments that respond to the content of what was said. I’m not a big
  fan of the one liner comment unless it can be really funny. But I get
  tired of it a lot. And as I get tired I start to skim and I pay less
  attention and eventually I just stop responding.  Sometimes I just want
  to write and NOT have anyone care about what I’ve said. Often I think
  about starting another blog and just writing where nobody can read it
  or where only a few close friends will. Not because I think what I ahve
  to say is particularly private, but just because it limits the pool of
  interactions I have to engage in. I can write to bring myself peace and
  still feel by myself online. Not totally alone but alone enough to re energize.
  
  
  
  So anyway, that’s why it sometimes seems like I’m just not around very
  much.  I haven’t abandoned Xanga and I don’t want you to go away. I’m
  glad you’re reading. I’m honored by your audience. I just find you
  sometimes tiring. No offense. It’s just the way I am.
  
  
  ***
  
  
  You know as I was writing this entry a thought occurred to me too that
  was sort of weird. It’s true that I find people tiring even online, but
  there are certain people whom I’ve chatted with online for whom I seem
  to have an extraordinary amount of inexplicable energy while chatting
  with them. I don’t find them anywhere near as tiring as others and
  really not tiring at all. I look forward to chatting with them. And you
  know even when I’m abandoning all the rest of my online interactions I
  still keep chatting with them. Weird huh? I don’t know why that is. 
  There’s a couple of people with whom this is the case. One of them
  mysteriously disappeared but perhaps that person will resurface some
  day. Who knows. Maybe she’s just tired and need to recharge too.
  
  

  • 7:05 pm
  • 17 Comments