September 21, 2008
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no idea what to title this, it isn’t very interesting
I have a weird mixture of arrogance and low self-esteem. Actually I doubt that’s all that weird at all really. Many who find some aspect of themselves or their lives fundamentally lacking tend to compensate for that by stressing and showing off those other characteristics, however few, that they feel are praiseworthy. In other words if you are arrogant outwardly chances are you don’t have a really strong sense of your self-worth. If you did, you wouldn’t need to brag.
No, where I differ is in perhaps my self-awareness of these facts that consequently at times enables me to catch myself and head off my natural inclination to start telling every random stranger on the street how brilliant I am. Of course, it helps that I don’t like talking to people too. But even in my blog, I often find myself forcing myself to revisit what I am saying for fear that I will show off my true colors as a self-obsessed prick.
And likewise I find myself compensating on the other side, that is trying hard not to let slip those areas in which I see myself as falling far beneath the norm. It hardly seems fitting to ramble on endlessly about my flaws and foils for that too will drive many a reader or listener to madness. Again, it helps that I don’t like talking to people.
As a consequence perhaps I can appear somewhat neutral by virtue of the value of sheer silence. Nah, most likely I alternate between the two extremes as my guard slips on one side or the other.
But even when my compensation regime is effective, there are still consequences that transcend my appearance to the outside world. Being arrogant and having a low self-esteem also immediately naturally results in me being a person quite capable of getting extremely jealous.
Only I don’t react to it by getting competitive or getting enraged or wanting to break something or becoming more boastful or mean (well maybe a little of all of the above) . Rather, mostly I just get depressed. I close further in on myself and drown out the world. All the while I’m telling myself that feeling this way is pointless and achieves nothing. And yet reason does not seem to allow me to control my emotional states but only to control my outward displays of it.
And the latter I am quite good at.
Comments (10)
*huggles* poor kell. wish I could help that.
I think we all do that to some degree. Wish I could help you.
/nods
the road to self-discovery can be arduous at times. pick up family and friends along the way.
don’t we all have varying forms of self-obsessed prickliness?
i dont know how to help you, but im here if you need my help. *hugs*
I dunno, you could make it work in a cinematic sense. Stand on a table and yell, “I ROOOOOOOCK!”
@DarkAngelKat00 - @buckeyegirl31 - @rianahntr -weird reactions. There’s nothing to help with. I’m fine. Just rambling on as usual.
@nephyo - :P Retard. <3
i’d err on the side of being honest, and not really holding yourself back, too much. it’s only a blog, and no one HAS to read it. if they do, maybe they’ll appreciate what you say about yourself. if not, hopefully, they’ll appreciate your writing.
i do.
I don’t think you come off as arrogent every on your blog. maybe you do in real life but I don’t know you in real life.
I think this was an interesting blog because it kind of makes me think of my one-topper friend that always seemed to one up me on anything even though it wasn’t something that needed to be one up. maybe he has low self esteem which sort of makes sense. like why he would want to hold on to me (a pretty meek person) because other friends have probably rejected him in the past. *shrugs*
I think as long as you have lots of friends which I know you do you can’t be all the arrogent ^_^ you are a very kind person and that means a lot to people. *nods*
*huggles for good measure*
@TheBigShowAtUD - thanks
I’m glad you appreciate my writing. The thing about being honest is you first need to know what the truth is to be honest about it. I often find when writing about myself that first condition is far harder than the second.
@raindrops23 - Yeah I’ve interacted with people like that too. Sometimes though it’s not a sign of low self-esteem but sort of a cultural difference. In some cultures, “boasting” and showing off is sort of the accepted way of presenting yourself and it’s generally expected for you to do the same. Also if you grew up in a very competitive environment, it might have been necessary to express yourself forcefully in order to make yourself heard and stand out and that in turn could lead to boasting and defensiveness.
But yeah a lot of times it is low self esteem. And it can be annoying. I mean really annoying. I hate it when someone feels the need to defend themselves about every little thing I say in a manner that makes them look good. But generally I just shrug and assume that’s just the way they are and try to ignore it. And I try to keep in mind that in a lot of ways I’m the same way, I just keep my mouth shut a little more.
I don’t have that many friends really. Just a few that I try to keep close and a few more that I’ve more or less lost or reduced contact with. And I have quite a few readers who comment regularly whom I hope I can consider friends. But I’m not sure why exactly they stick around. You’re all a bunch of crazies!
But yeah I definitely am arrogant in real life sometimes. I mean people will say something and I can’t help but think a million things about how dumb what they are saying is and how much smarter I am than them. Usually I think that when dealing primarily with strangers though. But if that isn’t arrogance I don’t know what is. Though often I think I’m just too quiet for people to notice. I thought I was more obviously arrogant in my blog since I don’t hold back as much but then if you don’t think I come off that way maybe I’m not. *shrugs*
Thanks for the huggles! ^_^