October 11, 2008

• Fear

  To be perfectly honest I’ve never been particularly brave. When I was very little I was afraid of the dark. Well afraid is an understatement. Terrified is more accurate. And although I deal with the dark now, I’d still rather do without it. Darkness is just fine so long as it’s over there and I’m over here in the light.  I sleep with the lights on sometimes and off other times but I do not wake up unless there is light somewhere. I don’t like darkness. I never have.

  I was also not the kind of kid who did things like roller coasters. Man I hated it. When I went to amusement parks I’d only do the easy rides. The safe ones. If a particular ride disturbed me even if everyone said it was safe it would take a long time for me to build up the courage to try it. And then when I did I’d still be afraid the next time. I’d have to do it half a dozen times before I finally got to the point where I could do and pretend to enjoy the experience.

  That’s kind of weird because I kind of appreciated having new experiences and tying new things and learning from them. It’s just the fear I could do without. So honestly I didn’t have much enthusiasm about going to the amusement parks. I’d want to go play video games instead or something. 

  I also don’t like scary movies or books. A certain kind of suspense bothers me a lot. I mean A LOT. I know lots of movies and books people say are scary that once I’ve experienced I shrug adn say it didn’t bother me. But there are others, far too many others, that make me want to run away and hide. I always jump half way out of my skin at the shocking moment. No matter the movie and even when I predicted it. And yeah  there’s a number of Stephen King books I wish I’d never read. And by the way it’s not so much how grotesque it is. Mutilation doesn’t bother me at all. That I think is why I’ve never experienced a video game I thought was frightening. None of them build up the kind of eerie suspense that really makes me feel creeped out.

  As I’ve grown older of course I’ve been better able to avoid revelation of such character elements. Most people wouldn’t know how afraid I get and how frequently certain things bother me. I don’t let on that I don’t like driving at night or in a storm. I don’t do thrilling things very often and if I do, I do them carefully and with much preparation. And I also push myself these days. I used to go to the half made park by myself at 2 or 3 AM where there are no lights and electricity yet and walk around the track a couple times for exercise. I never brought a flash light. I was freaked out the entire time, especially as I walked within the trees, but I did it anyway because I wanted to not be afraid.

  Also I don’t show my emotions as clearly as I did when I was a kid. Most people don’t know when I’m afraid because I’ve had so much experience with fear I’v learned to hide it. If I’m obviously afraid then it means I’m really really terrified and on the verge of running for it.  Most of the time I’m doing things that frighten me and leaving my normal impassive expression on my face. It’s not the only reason I am cautious about showing my feelings in my expressions but it is a major cause.

  So yesterday I did something weird. There was a thought that popped into my head once about a weird possibility so I shared it with a friend. But whether or not it was true, that was the question and I needed it answered in order to be able to help another friend who means a great deal to me. My friend suggested a means to find the answer and perhaps a way to help that friend as well. And I really wanted to help.

  So I went through with it in spite of misgivings and doubts and partially thinking it would be nothing at all. And because I was asked to and because I was curious and truly and honestly wanted to know what it would be like.

  And for a while it was fine. But then I felt, I don’t know what. An extreme feeling of misgiving. A shiver running down my spine and all the way down my back. A feeling that what I was doing was wrong. And a sense of pressure from my head to my toe and I knew I didn’t want to continue. I stopped.

  Most likely I am delusional. It’s the same old thing. I am a very fearful person at heart. Much in this world I choose to avoid out of fear and self doubt. But it bothers me that I gave up on this. Since what kind of a person doesn’t do something that might help a friend just because of a shiver? But it’s my nature I guess. I’d rather find another way than feel like that again. But if there’s no other choice I will try that method again.

  • 6:08 pm
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