November 6, 2008
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Let’s do some redefining!
Hey you there! Are you married? Oh you are? Well for now on we’re going to call your marriage a Convenience Contract. That’s right. A Convenience Contract. Just yours. Everybody else’s marriage will still be a marriage, but YOU and only YOU will need to get your Convenience Contract license from the state, cuz your existing marriage contract will be null and void. I’m sure you don’t mind. I mean it’s just words after all.
Oh but if you’re black we’ll call your marriage a Negro Compact. If you’re asian: a Gook Union. If you’re arabic it’ll be a Terrorist Connection. If both you and your partner are under the age of 25 we’ll just call it Frivolous Pairing. If it’s your second marriage we’ll call it a Pending Divorce. If you are a Democrat and your spouse is a Republican or vice versa we’ll call it a Domestic Violence Scenario. If you’re not married but only engaged, we’ll say not that you are engaged to be married but rather that you are awaiting an Inevitable Breakup.
And if you and your partner are of different races or mixed or worse different religious persuasions we’ll just call it a Blargh.
Of course all of these things, Convenience Contracts, Negro Compacts, Gook Unions, Terrorist Connections, Frivolous Pairings, Pending Divorces, Domestic Violence Scenarios, Inevitable Breakups, and Blarghs will ALL be accorded exactly the same right and privileges as Marriages. Except of course that any new laws or existing federal laws that apply to Marriage won’t apply to your Blargh or whatever unless explicitly stated or altered to do so.
It’ll all be codified right there in our good old state Constitutions. This is necessary to protect the sanctity of Marriage. Surely you can understand how I feel about that right? I don’t want MY term Marriage sullied by being considered the same kind of thing as your convenience contract or blargh or whatever. They aren’t the same after all and this is absolutely necessary to protect our national culture. If we don’t it could lead to bestiality and devil worship and all kinds of horrible stuff.
You get my point right? You understand don’t you? No hard feelings. Right?
Comments (20)
Props for satire.
I say we just call them all contracts and number them by type. “You have a contract-405-A with another individual. Those ladies over there have the contract-405-B.” It’s got that nice, dehumanizing ring to it.
I think we should call all marriage type things Blarghs. It would really take the wind out of any scare tactic arguments. “We need to protect the sanctity of Blargh!” “If we let one group get Blarghed, people will want to Blargh their animals and little kids!” I want to see one of those sanctimonious conservatives say this with a straight face.
My state voted in a gay congressman. I think this may be the first one that wasn’t surrounded by scandal. And we went Democrat this year when we’ve been Republican for the last 2 presidential elections. Even if the rest of the country is going nuts, I can at least take some measure of comfort in my state being progressive.
Haha, I loved this post! Better show it to California.
Phenomenal! Excellent, excellent post!
Point well heard. I can’t wait to get my frivolous negro convenience contract.
I’m still trying to understand the logic… how is someone else calling his/her relationship with a same-sex partner a marriage going to turn my kids queer? Isn’t that what they were afraid of? Or were they just afraid the gay couple next door might have a happier marriage than they have?
@MlleRobillard - Oh it’s going to be horrible. Your children will be queer and in happier marriages than yours AND they’ll have sex with animals and little kids. And God will come down and destroy us all for our sins. Better watch out!
haha this was pretty great. ^_^ also coming from a non-cali.
i can’t believe it passed… i’m so shocked. oh well.
Excellent way to make the point.
@moritheil - I love this idea. Discriminate against everyone equally!
great post.
At first I was like huh..then I got it! I agree with you.
read my post por favor on gender and marriage.
Ha, this was funny.
@MlleRobillard - The argument I’ve been hearing is not that it’ll turn kids queer. They’re actually not even going with the “slippery slope” method either. It’s that they don’t want their kids growing up thinking homosexuality is normal or OK. Apparently they think this argument is more PC.
hahaha! i’ve been happily blarghed for 6yrs now.
All the kids are bi-these days anyways.
@elvesdoitbetter - whatever state you live in, i want to move there.
@TheBillion - Colorado. It’s not that fabulous, but we try.
@moritheil - Now that’s sanctity!
“And if you and your partner are of different races or mixed or worse different religious persuasions we’ll just call it a Blargh.“
I really liked that line