November 19, 2008

• Dear God

  Hiya!  You may have noticed I haven’t talked to you mentally or verbally or through writing in a long long loooong time. There’s a reason for that. It’s because I honestly don’t really believe in you. And while it’s true that I didn’t believe in you back then when I was a kid and I would imagine having conversations and debates with you, I was much more of a coward back then so I believed in hedging my bets “just in case” if you know what I mean.

  So that’s why if you recall, my old conversations would begin with a lot of crazy conditional statements. I would say something like “If there’s a God, or a spirit, or a power, or a creator of the universe, or an alien of power beyond the capability of humanity, or a universal conglomerate of all life or all nature combined with a kind of sentience or awareness, or an energy force that has power over life or death. If you are the Christian God or the God of any other religion, or Mother Nature, or a Goddess of some other sort, or even if there’s even more than one of you, a pantheon of Gods and Goddesses or spirits or powers. If you are living or dead, All Good or All Evil or All Neutral or some mixture of the three, or if you are me or within me or a part of me, or even if you’re a super powered snail who can hear my thoughts and answer my pleas, then whatever or whoever or whereever you are, hear my words! This is a letter meant for you. But if you don’t exist, then obviously I am just wasting my time for my own amusement. Oh well. In any case here’s what I have to say.”  Or something like that.

  Well if I haven’t done that lately? Why am I writing to you now? And why no such conditional prefix? Well I’m writing primarily because I like to copy. I’ve seen a lot of pleas for God, questions for God, descriptions of conversations with God on the internet lately, particularly on Xanga so I thought I’d jump on the bandwagon. I can write to God too! Aren’t I special? Not that I am mocking the heartfelt pleas of others. I’m not. And this too will be a heartfelt presentation of what I really would say to God if there was a God, just with what my friends deem my usual cheeky ironic style. No, I just got the idea from you others and I’m copying. Why? Well maybe I’m bored. I honestly don’t believe anything will come of it. After all, I don’t really think that you exist.

  But you already know that don’t you? Being as you’re God and all. And you even know everything I’m about to write and say even though I’m not even sure what I’m about to write and say. Which makes for quite an odd one sided conversation doesn’t it? Why don’t you just tell me what I’m going to say so that this can go a little more smoothly. What you won’t? Well I guess that would have been waaay too easy.

  So anyways, I guess if I’m to talk to you I might as well make some reasonable assumptions in order to have anything to say to you. If you’re evil or in multiples or something I doubt you or all of you give a damn about what I have to say. So I might as well take the most common assumptions as the basis of my conversation. I’ll say you’re the Christian God, or some such similar God or Force or entity, all Good and all Powerful and all seeing and whatnot.

  Alright now for what to say! So you may have noticed, God-o-mine, that things are kinda screwed up right now. I mean, I’m not all seeing or all brilliant like you, but I look around and I see a lot of people are very very worried about their future. And those are the people doing ok. Other people are more than worried, they’re basically suffering painful emotional and physical pain. They aren’t happy. They’re hurt and they’re without direction and they’re afraid.  And some of them… far too many are my friends and family. This is not cool.

  Why are they feeling the ways? Well I imagine you know better than I. And don’t give me that, it’s because they haven’t accepted you or don’t believe in you, or don’t put their faith in you bullshit. I’m not buying it. There’s plenty of evil people who don’t give a damn about you who live quite happily whereas there are others who have put their lives and soul in your hands and have still ended up screwed.  But even if there WEREN’T, what kind of an arrogant ass demands that we bow before you and be thine willing slaves before helping us? I don’t THINK you’re that kind of a God, if you exist. I mean that goes against my premises. At least that’s no notion of all Good that I can comprehend.

  Perhaps you are thinking well they didn’t ask for my help. Maybe you are bound to such rules that you can’t intervene unless asked. Maybe there’s a God above God that is REALLY all powerful who restricts your actions. Or maybe you had enough power to paradoxically restrict your own power to intervening only when asked thus enabling you to support free will or some such. Well in that case, I figure that if you need someone to ask you then I’ll ask you. Right now. Here goes.

  God. Would you please make my friends lives better? Make them happy. Make things work out for them. They can go through trials, I don’t mind that, but don’t give them such pain that they must suffer and hurt and cry so many times and for so many reasons. Just help them get through their problems. Help them find the means to help themselves. Help them create lives for themselves that they want. And while you’re at it, why don’t you do it for everyone else too? I mean seriously. Make the world work. Cuz it doesn’t right now. If you need someone to ask, I’m asking. I’m begging. Life sucks for so many people and you and I both KNOW it doesn’t have to be that way.

  I had other things I was going to say to you God but I’m getting tired of this letter already. I know you’re probably not going to listen. If I’m to believe the religions then I have to do a bunch of stupid stuff to get your aid, like bow down on my knees and fold my fingers, or promise not to curse, or have sex before marriage, or eat pork, or lie or cheat, or covet, or some such nonsense. Well I’m not going to promise any of those things. And not just because I think they are exceedingly DUMB things to promise to do. It’s rather a matter of principle. I won’t do any of those things and I won’t do anything else either in order to “earn” your aid. In fact I intend to do nothing different in bargain for your supposedly moral assistance. Rather I will simply attempt to lead as good a life as I can and do the things I think are right all the time. And that is what I assume you too would do God, and being a perfectly understanding, perfectly righteous entity yourself I imagine you understand that well.

  So… as long as we understand each other and agree on the fundamental nature of morality, we can say then that my whole writing this letter is a waste of both your time and mine. You will make everything work out for the best regardless of what I say or why and I’m just asking as a matter of useless historical ritual called “prayer” that has never had and never will have any meaning or effect.

  Therefore, I assert that you WILL make the lives of my friends better and the universe work better. And while you’re at it, I imagine you’ll make my life more fun and interesting too in the process and then all will be well.

  The only way this won’t happen is if you are not all good and you’re also a Jerk. And you think some nonsense like “free will” and “trial by fire” or crazy garbage like that.  If you believe that… well then I *demand* that you stop being such a jerk and help people anyway. Feel free to strike me down for my arrogance and hubris and prove how much of an asshole you are. I’ll continue yelling at you and demanding it even in my grave.

  And if you refuse even then, well then screw you. Step aside. Get out of the way. Go play with your toys or whatever it is that you do.

  I’ll find a way to save them all on my own.

  • 5:03 pm
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