December 26, 2008

• Tales of Xanga: Legend of the Vault

  Welcome and sit back and listen to the tales of a mystical world of wonder and amazement. Welcome and hear of a mystical land where spiderman is black and where pixies come in pink and purple. A place where dark angels take their cat naps and where people aren’t afraid to spell different with one f and two t’s. These are the the tales… the tales of Xanga….

  *******

  The called him The Vaulted One or just Vault for short and he was a Xedi. What is a Xedi you ask? They are Knights who wield special powers to protect the Xangaverse.  And the Vaulted One was one of the strongest of the Xedi to ever live.

  There are many legends and stories related to the time that Vault tread the Xangalands. There’s the story of how he graduated from his Padawan status and got his “E” changing from VaultSL to VaultESL (everybody knows that online adding an “E” to anything means it is all that much more Awesome, E-mail, E-books, E-bay, you get the picture). There’s also the tale of when he took on the snake queen as his own apprentice and made her renowned throughout the Xangalands. And there’s the tale of when he and his allies battled against the sinister BadBoy-Vader and his deadly minions.  Indeed there are so many legends of the Vaulted One it would be impossible to recount them all to you today.

  But there is a story you must hear my dear fellow Xangans. The story of Vault’s hardest battle and his great sacrifice. It was the final tale of the Vaulted One as we knew him. And it is a story for all the ages.

  It began soon after Vault’s apprentice the Snake Queen Qccan mysteriously disappeared in the midst of the Dark Knight Clone Wars. Vault was thrown into a rage at her departure and nearly claimed by the madness of the dark side of the Comment-Force. He even battled his old master the Legendary Xedi, Legendairy and oh what a battle that was! For hours and hours they fought, it seemed there would be no end to it. These two great Xedi masters were near evenly matched, Legendairy’s experience paired against the Vaulted One’s brilliant skill.  But then just at the climax of the battle….

  No Legendairy didn’t cut off several of Vault’s limbs and leave him burning in flames in the heart of a Volcano! What kind of story do you take this for? Geez.

  No, what happened was Legendairy suddenly said:

  “I sense a disturbance in the Comment-Force”

  So they both sheathed their weapons and sat down to have some tea and discussed the matter.

  Both soon came to an agreement that this disturbance was too great a risk for them to continue their epic fight. Indeed the disturbance may well have something to do with the disappearance of Qccan! They both agreed that something had to be done about it first. So Vault grudgingly agreed to allow his Legendairy master to be the victor of the Dark Knight Clone Wars.  In return he asked for Legendairy’s help and advice in investigating the disturbance.

  But this was a task even beyond Legendairy’s great knowledge so he sent his old pupil to speak to another of the great Xedi masters, the Saintly leader of the Vi Clan whose wisdom was said to be unmatched throughout all the Xangaverse.

  “But be wary my pupil. The Vi clan can be rather violent and they do not take well to strangers. You must find a way to convince the Saint to have an audience with you.”

  “Don’t worry master. I’ve got everything under control.”

  And so Vault headed out.

  Though a brilliant Xedi of unmatched skill, Vault was still young and he should have heeded his master’s advice. He thought he was being quite stealthy as he made his way toward the Vi compound. Imagine his surprise when all of a sudden he found himself rendered unconscious by a group of Xedi Ninjas!

  When he came to he found himself staring up into the stunning visage of another of the young Xedi rising stars, the Sound Ninja TrebleClef who smiled smugly down at him.

  “I know why you’re here. You wish to see my mother. It’s about the disturbance isn’t it.”

  Vault said nothing glaring at her.

  “Don’t worry,” she said. “I’m on your side. I’ll take you to see her but you have to take me with you when you face it.”

  “Face what?” said Vault, confused.

  “You’ll find out. Now come on.”

  She lifted Vault effortlessly to his feet and dragged him along after her.  Soon they came to a large waiting room, filled with very odd photos of highly zoomed-in incomprehensible things. It was the most disconcerting sight Vault had ever seen.

  “Kneel.” TrebleClef ordered him. He did.

  “Close your eyes. I will alert the clan leader of your presence. When you hear the bell tone open them. Not before!!”

  Vault gulped and followed the instructions. The bell toned. He opened his eyes and saw a woman sitting cross legged before him her face clouded behind a bandana and dark glasses that he was sure he hadn’t heard enter. The room was otherwise empty. She looked him dead in the eyes and in a voice that shook with power said…

  “X… D… K…”

  “I… I… I don’t understand master.” The photos were really making it hard for Vault to concentrate.

  “You will.”

  “Um.. I  cam here about the reality disturbance I am feeling. I was told you might be able to help.”

  “Told by your master Legendairy no doubt. That old rascal! I ought to send you back to him in pieces. He RUINED my Dark Knight Wars.”

  “What? Huh? You were behind the Dark Knight Clone Wars?”

  “Of course I was! Why do you think Legendairy was so involved? We have battled here since long before you were born young one.”

  “Um… ok… but uh what does this have to do with the disturbance?”

  An eerie quiet fell on to the room that lasted far too long. Finally she spoke a few words and the bindings that had held Vault’s hands were broken.  She stood.

  “Come.” She said, “Take a Humble Walk with me.”
   
  As they walked through the Vi clan gardens she spoke to him quietly of the dark times that were coming.

  “It will begin soon. I have foreseen it. Dark Forces from “The Real World” will descend upon the Xangaverse wreaking havoc unless they are stopped. They have already claimed some Xangans with their vile power.”

  “Qccan…” Vault whispered.

  “You must have sensed it too. The increased amount of the dreaded ‘Drama’ beasts and ‘Emo’ monsters roaming these lands. Did you not think it had a cause?”

  “I understand Master Saintvi, but what can be done about it?”

  “I have seen but one possible future that is our salvation. And it will depend on you.”

  “Me?”

  “Never has there been a Xedi more skilled in the Comment-Force. Did your master never tell you of the prophecy concerning your birth? It is said that you would bring balance to the Comment-Force. I believe that the time has come for that prophecy to be fulfilled.”

  “What must I do?”

  “You must gather together the chosen ones. I have seen them in my visions. I see a woman from the Angelos clan whose voice can rend the heavens and bring forth wraiths to fight for her. I see a man with 44 eyes who can see through all the dimensions of time. I see a girl from the lands where the bucks roam free whose single eye holds the power to trample enemies into darkness.  I see a woman who can summon forth an army of pandas. And lastly I see an Alchemist who can transform into a gigantic metallic bunny. “

  Vault gasped. He was shocked to hear her describe so thoroughly some of his closest friends and greatest allies.

  “Oh you know them then? It should be no surprise that you would be drawn to them. Your destines are intertwined.”

  “And what is that Destiny?”

  “You must take them and with you on a quest. You will travel down the Avenue to the Real and pass by the Rock of Eadie until you reach the great Gateway Cavern. There, you will find the breach. The place where the forces of reality are seeping into the Xangaverse.  You must together find a way to seal this breach or the Xangaverse will descend into an everlasting darkness.”

  “Very well Master. I will begin preparations at once.”

  Saintvi turned and glared at Vault’s light tone.

  “No! You do not understand the seriousness of this quest!  It is NOTHING like your previous adventures.  Do you think your Qccan will be the only casualty? I’ve seen it. If you travel there… even if you somehow succeed not all of you will make it out of there alive.”

  Vault gulped but said nothing. The visions of the faces of his dear friends passed before his eyes. His heart was pounding.

  “There must be another way.” He whispered.

  Saintvi was silent for a time.

  “Not even I can see the full shape of what is to come. But I will say this. This task has fallen to you VaultESL. And if you do not find a way. No one will.”

  Vault nodded solemnly.

  “Oh and Vault one last thing… Remember… It’s coming… X… D… 2K… “

  O_o

  With that she dismissed him. On his way from the Vi residence, Vault was lost in thought. He knew that he had to act but he didn’t want to risk the lives of his closest friends.

  **********

  The next day it was one of Vault’s closest friends, the one they call Fullmetal who awoke with a deep sense of dread sitting in the pit of her stomach. Something wasn’t right. And unbidden a thought came to her: “Where is VaultESL?”

  So she traveled through the Pulse-routes known only to Xedi to look for him. First she checked their usual haunts. The top blogs Mountains, the lake of Featured Questioning, the plains of many Welcome Wagons.  But Vault was nowhere to be found. So she traveled next to the abode of Master Legendairy to ask but he said he hadn’t seen Vault since he had traveled to the Vi residence the day before.

  Now Fullmetal was getting disturbed. She went to Vi’s residence but was stopped at the gate by the Sound Ninja Trebleclef. They glared at each other.

  “Your kind has no place here.” said the sound ninja.   Alchemists and Ninjas have a history of not getting along, you see.

  “What have you done with Vault!?”  Fullmetal demanded.

  Trebleclef blinked in surprise.

  “He didn’t contact you?”

  “No! What are you talking about?”

  Trebleclef quickly whispered something in the ear of one of her ninja guards. Then she turned to Fullmetal.

  “Come quickly! We have to go!”

  “What do you mean? Tell me what’s going on!?”

  “I’ll explain on the way! Come on!”

  She took off running with a purpose, Fullmetal fast on her heels.

  As they traveled through the Pulse-routes together Trebleclef quickly explained about her mother’s visions and VaultESL’s trip.

  “But you know how Vault is… “

  “He probably decided to try and seal the breach on his own” said Fullmetal grimly.

  “Exactly. We have to quickly gather the people my mother mentioned and go after him. If we hurry maybe we’ll be in time.”

  “We better be.”  Fullmetal growled.

  **************

  Fullmetal and Trebleclef traveled to and fro rapidly seeking out the chosen ones and spreading the singular message: “Vault’s in trouble” 

  The epic battle of Fullmetal’s group at the Gateway Cavern is one for the history books. They did not have an easy time of it.  You see it was not just the forces of reality that came to stop them. Oh no, on this side of the gateway all the evil entities of Xanga were out in force ready to waylay our heroes at any cost.

  Fullmetal, Trebleclef and company found themselves facing an army of darkness populated by the vilest the Xangaverse has to offer. There were Trollers and Spammers. Haters and Hackers, N00bs and Flamers! They came at them in droves trying their darndest to keep our heroes from their task.

  But the group of Vault’s friends fought on with fierce determination. They would find and save Vault no matter what!

  The44ThHour was a whirlwind of death cutting into a group of Flamers with his 44 knives rending them asunder.

  FullMetalBunny hopped forward transforming into her metallic form and smashing a group of N00bs under her giant metallic paws.

  A group of Trollers hording a group of vicious Emo-beasts forward only to have them smash right into Buckeyegirl’s Buckeye eye-ray blasting them to bits.

  The sound Ninja used her infamous trebleclef blades to send sound shockwaves to slice through a set of Haters dismembering them.

  Together they fought on, bringing all their powers to bare. But the enemy was strong. It was slow going and soon our heroes were exhausted. But they fought on until finally they reached the rift.

  There in the distance beyond the hordes of enemies they saw a barely visible shimmering barrier.

  “This must be the reality barrier!”  said TheSecretLifeofPandas.

  “Vault!!” cried buckeyegirl31 who was the first to see the telltale flash of a FeedbackSaber beyond the barrier.

  With renewed vigor the warriors fought on charging through forcing a path straight through the middle of the vile demons.

  Summoned wraiths called forth from EllisAngelos’s song smothered Flamers left and right.

  Giant panda warriors revealed their secret life as formidable warriors as they picked up and smashed Spammers into small little bits and ate them.

  The battle was fierce indeed but eventually they cleared a path and made it to the point where they could see what was happening beyond the barrier.

  Have you ever seen the Vaulted One wield the Comment-Force? Let me tell you it is a vision to behold. Whereas most Xedi wield but on FeedbackSaber or in the rare occasion there are very skilled Xedi or LJith who wield a two pronged staff-like FeedbackSaber, Vault was something different. He wielded not one and not two but FIVE FeedbackSabers at once! They were connected at a single point forming a giant shuriken like pattern that he could whirl and twirl about him at impossible speeds slicing enemies with the quickness. Each blade could be detached from the construct as a whole and be hurled across the field slicing through enemies controlled by Comment Force.

  To see Vault fight on a normal occasion was to see a spectacle of extraordinary beauty and elegance but on this day… Oh what a sight it was! For this time VaultESL was battling with all his strength surrounded on all sides by creatures the likes of which the Xangaverse had never seen. Obligation Beasts. Expectation Goblins. Deadlines Monsters. Responsibility Trolls. Depression Dragons. Loss Legions. Pain Wraiths. And more. They were out in force beyond the barrier coming at the Vaulted one with all their might.

  It seemed far too much for one man to handle but miraculously Vault fought them off! His five-pointed FeedbackSaber whirled to and fro. He twisted and turned leapt and rolled, leaving a trail of corpses in his wake. It was pure poetry in motion. Genius like had never before been seen in the Xangaverse. At times he moved so quickly that not even all 44 eyes of the44thHour could track his movements. He was quite simply unstoppable. And no wonder, for he was battling for his very life and more importantly for the survival of his friends and the Xangaverse itself. All the group who had come to save him could only stop and gap in awe.

  But the enemy would not let them watch the spectacle for long. They renewed their assault upon the Xedi Team and they were soon drawn back into battle.

  “We have to find a way to get to him!” screamed EllisAngelos.

  “There!” shouted TrebleClef  noticing a small almost imperceptible crack in the barrier and to the parties horror the crack was growing smaller and smaller!

  “He’s sealing it!” screamed TheSecretLifeofPandas. And she was right. They could all feel VaultESL’s Comment energy being harnessed to seal the gap between realities. He was planning on closing the barrier for good while leaving him on the other side!

  “Oh no you don’t!”  With a roar FullmetalBunny sprang forth transforming into her metallic form and hoping over the enemies. She smashed her entire metallic form into the reality breach planning to smash it open and drag Vault back by force if need be!

  But the barrier to reality is a strong thing. It cannot be broken so easily. It exists between time and space in the void between realities. It holds within it the incomprehensible powers of chaos and time and the universe and to interact physically with such a thing… the results can be wholly unpredictable. Vault knew this. And as he saw his dear friend hoping toward the barrier he missed a step in his combat as he reached out toward the barrier shouting something no one on the Xangaverse side could hear.

  Bang!  When FullmetalBunny hit the barrier the whole cavern shook and a field of energy enveloped her body changing her, transforming her. Twisting her body into a new form, her metallic parts morphing into clockwork gears and joints. When it was over she fell to the ground unconscious. She had become something new altogether.

  The distraction was all the enemy needed. They renewed their battle against our heroes now down one Xedi pressing them against the barrier they now knew they dare not try to touch. But the Xedi were not easily the kind to give up. They fought on and they fought hard and for a second it seemed they would hold their ground.

  Then the reality crack widened. Vault’s power had weakened. And enemies started pouring into the Xangaverse from reality.  The Xedi could just barely make out Vault’s scream from the other side: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

  It was too much for our heroes. They could not face Xanga’s greatest foes and the monstrous forces of reality at once even if they were only flowing through at a trickle. They did not have the skill to seal the barrier and they were all growing weaker even Vault. And it was all they could do to protect the unconscious form of the newly born ClockworkBunny beneath them.

  “It looks like this is the end.” said the44thHour grimly.

  “We’re sorry Vault.” whispered Buckeyegirl.

  Just then when all hope seemed lost, there came a great blast of energy from the mouth of the Cavern where they had entered scattering a group of Trollers! Everyone reacted in shock wondering what had come out now.

  But then in the wake of the energy came a new group of Xedi lead by a man driving a batmobile and carrying a FeedbackSaber.  It was Vault’s own master Legendairy!

  And behind him came a group of other Xedi all of whom had heard that Vault was in danger and had come to answer the call and save their beloved friend.

  In the forefront came CanadianBroad, FallenReign, musicisoxygen, and CarmenDeBizet all established Xedi warriors and close friends and apprentices of Vault. They fought behind Lengedairy with extraordinary skill each wielding their own unique special powers to defeat the enemy.

  Behind them came a virtual army of more Xedi including some of Xanga’s greatest and most renowned heroes. relaxolgy, Jenavee, maebemaebenot, purplepixiepoo, eadie, Drakonskyr, TheTheologiansCafe, theblackspiderman, bluemarsupial, methodelevated, ChristopherMcBreen, My_Hat_is_older_than_you, CelestialRose2002 and BlueButterflyBaby, nimbusthedragon, Kasealaine, and DarkAngelKat00. And behind them came Saintvi leading the entire Vi clan wielding their l33t masked Ninja skills. It could even be said that the great gods of Xanga, the XangaTeam Pantheon including the Martian John and God and Goddesse Dan and Natalia and all the rest were watching over them all that day lending their power to the Xedi force as it pushed forward into the caverns.

  As Vault saw them beyond the barrier tears came unbidden to his eyes. They all came, all for his sake, one of their own who they would not let fall into darkness.

  “Form a perimeter!” ordered Legendairy.   The Xedi followed his command and the troops formed a semicircular perimeter around the breach and the heroes who had come to rescue Vault.  There was a small moment of relative calm.

  “Legendairy! We have to open the breach! We have to save Vault!” cried Buckeyegirl.

  Legendairy looked grim.

  “We’ll try.”

  He turned to Saintvi who came forward. and they sat down crosslegged before the barrier and began to harness their Comment Force. For a moment it seemed it would work. Then they were blasted as if by some unseen wind and both their heads dropped down in fatigue.  An unseen roar went out throughout the cavern and more of the enemy came flowing in pushing the perimeter inward.

  “What happened?” cried Trebleclef rushing over to her mother.

  “He’s…. fighting… us…”  she said gasping for breathe.

  “Who?”

  Saintvi pointed. And there having fought his way back up to the barrier breach was the legend himself VaultESL. He was fighting off all the enemy on his own keeping any more from flowing into the Xangaverse.

  “Why? Why would he stop you” cried FallenReign.

  Vault simply turned his head around and smiled sadly.

  “I understand,” said Legendairy tears in his eyes. “Listen everyone. The breach can’t be allowed to be reopened… If it is… it can only be sealed from that side! And if we open it to large it would be impossible to seal at all! It would be the end of the Xangaverse.”

  “NO! Not Vault!” cried Buckeyegirl.

  ClockworkBunny rose unsteadily to her feet clearly still weak from her encounter with the barrier. She came over to Legendairy and grabbed him by the scruff of the neck.

  “We can’t just leave him!!” she growled. The menace in her voice was very real.

  Legendairy just bowed his head tears flowing down his face.

  “There’s nothing I can do. He made his choice.”

  A pained sound echoed from deep within ClockworkBunny’s throat and it looked like she was about to throttle him, but EllisAngelos grabbed her arm looked her in the eyes and shook her head. ClockworkBunny’s arm dropped in defeat.

  “But look at him!” said CarmenDeBizet.

  “He can barely stand! How will he seal the barrier! We have to help him somehow!” chimed in musicisoxygen.

  They were right. All could see VaultESL was flagging and with his flailing strength the enemy on the other side was pressing in harder. And not only that but the enemy in the Xangaverse sensing victory was at hand was renewing their violent attack. The perimeter shrank even further.

  “There’s too many of them!” cried CanadianBroad.

  For the first time Legendairy smiled. Thinking of his precious pupil.

  “Oh. I wouldn’t count Vault out just yet.”

  As if on cue an energy arc expanded from VaultESL’s location pushing back his enemies for a brief moment as he cast all five of his FeedbackSabers whirling into the enemy. They each landed face down into the pavement like pillars warding off the enemy He took that time to sit down crosslegged before the breach and fold his arms before him and began chanting something.

  “Behold” said Lengedairy, “One of the greatest techniques of the Xedi and one that only VaultESL has truly mastered.”

  Blue smoke began to gather and coalesce around each of the FeedbackSabers forming into the shapes of being.

  “Superhero Genesis” whispered Saintvi.

  The shapes took form. Near one FeedbackSaber a woman who appeared who quickly transformed into a frisbee and flew and bopped into the heads of a bunch of Obligation Beasts. Next to her a Ninja appeared slashing in with his sword while speaking psychobabble to the Depression Dragons.

  Near another saber a large man harnessed the power of the elements and blasted a tsunami of energy into the crowd of Expectation Goblins while near another saber a pair of identical twins started multiplying and sending nanorobots into a crowd of Deadline Monsters nearby.

  Near yet a forth saber Chuck Norris himself was there, using undefeatable martial arts to crush Pain Wraiths and Loss Legions both.  And near the last saber a girl burped at oncoming Responsibility Trolls sending explosive gas into them that launched them into the air.

  Everyone gasped in amazement unable to believe their own eyes at the powerful creatures Vault had managed to summon to fight for him.

  But the summoning had taken a lot out of Vault he bowed his head for a moment in exhaustion.  Then he climbed to his feet and turned toward the breach while his super hero creations fought off the enemy to say his goodbyes.

  He slowly looked each of his friends in the eyes smiling at them and saying his silent goodbyes.  The sadness in everyone’s eyes was palpable. Nobody said anything. They just watched him silently willing him to know how much he meant to them.

  Finally he clasped his hands together gathering all of his comment force into the palm of his hands straining with the effort.  Then he released his hands and they were glowing with energy. He grasped the walls of the breach and pulled them together sealing the breach for in one powerful gesture.  Then… not done he reached his hand up to the ceiling of the cavern and sent waves of energy radiating outward.

  When he was done the whole place started to tremble.  He turned to his friends and mouthed the word: “Go”.

  Legendairy nodded solemnly and then turned to gather the troops.

  “He’s bringing the whole place down! We have to get out of here, NOW!!”

  With that the Xedi force gathered their forces and fought their way to the exit the cavern their hearts heavy with sorrow.  They made it out though. All of them alive, just as VaultESL had wanted. In spite of Saintvi’s prophecy the breach had been sealed with no one dead and only one Xedi lost to the Xangaverse. But many amongst them considered the cost too great. They would rather have fought a billion million reality monsters than lose their close friend and ally.

  It was a sad day in the land of Xanga.

  “Don’t feel sad” said Saintvi, “It’s thanks to his sacrifice that we’re all here. Honor his memory and remember that Vault is still out there. Fighting for all of us.”

  “Yeah! He’s been in tougher situations.” said ClockworkBunny

  “He’ll never be defeated!!” chimed in EllisAngelos.

  “And maybe one day… he’ll come back to us.” said Buckeyegirl.

  Everyone was quiet.  Then Legendairy said “Come on. Let’s go home.”

  And so ends this tale of Xanga.  Legend has it that the Vaulted One fights for us even now beyond the great barrier keeping it protected keeping us safe so we might enjoy living in the Xangaverse in peace. He’s trapped there for now but the legend says that one day, he’ll find a way to return to us, when our need is greatest and save the day again. Because he’s a true Xedi Knight. Because he’s a hero.

  ******

  Author’s Note:

  I’ve been wanting to finish this for a LONG time. Sorry this took so long in coming.

  Merry Christmas Vault and to all the rest of our Xanga friends!

  • 4:16 pm
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