April 1, 2009
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Solving the April Fools “Problem”
(Posted 04/01/2009)
It has come to my attention that there is a grave unaddressed problem facing our nation. On one day a year, specifically the first day of the month of April, troublemakers come out of the wood works intent on creating disorder and chaos in the society. They engage in so called “pranks” against their fellow human beings in the name of “good fun” and “entertainment”. These pranks are basically nothing more than completely unethical lies designed to dupe the poor unsuspecting targets. It’s a kind of cruelty engaged in under the guise of “humor”.
This has to stop.
I can’t begin to describe to you the depths of the harm caused to society by this April Fools Day nonsense. First of all when businesses go about their regular business on this day, any actions they engage in are often mistaken for “April Fools” jokes. This can have devastating implications for a company’s economic plans. What if you planned the release of your next great project on April 1st? Suddenly you lose a whole day of marketing and selling because nobody believes in your product. And you have to waste time and money trying to undue that false perception.
Secondly, businesses often lose enormous amounts of productivity because their employees are often distracted the entire day long by reviewing pranks posted on the internet, talking about pranks they’ve done and pranks that have been done to them. What a waste! It can even get worse than that too as employees often waste days and days of time preoccupied with planning for April Fools Day pranks and/or working out strategies to avoid being pranked. I wonder how many employees have even taken the first of April off sheerly out of fear of being victimized by some horrifying prank perpetrated against them at work!
Thirdly for individual bloggers such as ourselves, April Fools can be devastating! You can’t really post anything serious or interesting on that day now can you? Even if you are dying to post something meaningful and relevant you don’t dare post it on the 1st for fear it will be taken as a prank! Indeed as a result the 1st of April can be an enormously boring day for the blogosphere, devoid of all meaningful content. And who knows if your readers will even come back when you miss a day of posting? I mean what if you’re too boring to come up with a good April Fools Day post? Basically you are doomed to be a blogging obscurity and you might as well give up. That’s what April Fools does to us.
And it could get FAR worse. Can you imagine if there was some sort of disastrous world event that took place on the 1st of April? Nobody would believe it! A despicable person could easily use the 1st of April as an ideal opportunity to engage in a horrific crime against humanity safely smug in his assurance that the news media would not dare report it and even if they did everyone would assume that it was a fake.
These are just a small smattering of the problems wrought by the existence of this dark disastrous holiday farce! And even if it weren’t for all these problems, April Fools is just fundamentally wrong in absolute principle. I mean it encourages cruelty, villainy, deception! It’s against God’s precepts and probably rejected by whatever other forms of heathen heretical worship you might happen to abide by. Basically, it’s a fundamental human wrong that transcends race or creed. It’s destroying our planet! Our very way of life is in Jeopardy!
This Ends TODAY.
I propose that we eliminate April Fools Day. Now, we have to be cautious. Simply telling people to no longer recognize April Fools Day will not work. The deviants and disrupters of society would continue to act against the common good by pulling pranks on the First of April.
So the solution is obvious. We simply have to get rid of the 1st of April. The Calendar should be officially changed by an act of Congress to go from March 31st directly to April 2nd. To minimize disruption the 24 hours of April 1st should be distributed equally to the rest of the work days of the year. Nobody will notice the approximately 5-6 minutes added to their work day every day. And between the money saved for the lack of April Fools Day disruptions and the additional productivity those 5-6 minutes would give us we could probably solve the entire Financial Crises and put America back on the right track!
Now this alone might not work. Devious anarchists beyond redemption might try to celebrate April Fools Day on the 2nd of April. In that case radical measures may be necessary. These may include but not be limited to the following:
1. Deleting every reference to April Fools Day on the Internet (or shutting the internet down if that becomes difficult)
2. Burning all books and calendars including or acknowledging the existence of the first of April
3. Shutting down any institution that engages in April Fools activities or allows their employees or members to engage in April Fools Day activities. Google this means you!
4. Making engaging in or encouraging April Fools Day pranking a criminal offense equivalent to Treason against the United States of America.
5. Eliminating the entire month of April.Let us all band together and DEMAND the elimination of this god forsaken terror of a day. Lobby your Congressmen. Call your representatives. Take to the streets! With pitchforks and torches! This can be done! Now is the moment. This is the time! Together we can make it so that nobody ever has to suffer through the atrocities of another April Fools Day ever again!!
ARE YOU WITH ME?!?!
Comments (100)
No, I’m not with you. How can I believe you on April Fool’s Day?
@Laryssa - Ah, but given I don’t believe in April Fools and want to end that intolerable phenomenon, it stands to reason that I would NEVER post an abominable prank on my own blog. Therefore you should feel safe in following me to the ends of the Earth as we crusade to rid the world of this horror!
I don’t like April anyway. Let’s just get rid of this whole month.
…APRIL FOOLS!
LOL!
Only getting rid of April? Preposterous! We should definitely get rid of January and August as well. They are such nothing months.
Or we could just add an extra day onto February.
Just saying!
=D
LOLBASKET
Hahaha
@SerenaDante - We could get rid of both April 15th and April 1st then add the days to the end of February!!
@SerenaDante - Lol. Nice one Serena. <3
i think ur taking this day much too seriously.
april fools is lame kinda…
lawllllawlalwwalawawa
@TakingxOverxMe - I’m with you! But I thought I’d just go for one day at first cuz most people would find that more palatable. If it were up to me, scrapping the whole Month would be ideal!
@Maggalaggadingdong - I LIKE the way you think! Definitely a full analysis of all months should be done and unnecessary ones that don’t promote sufficient productivity should definitely get the Ax. January however I hope doesn’t end up on the list being as my birthday is during that month. ^_^
@SerenaDante@Mac_Libureet - lol. Why didn’t *I* think of that! It’s citizen genius like this that we’ll definitely need to make our movement a success! I hopy you two will join my crusade! XD
Why don’t we just counterbalance it by having another day where everyone is totally serious the entire day? People can plan that day for marriage proposals, to fire people at work, to conceive a child on, to find out about their terminal illnesses, to start wars, to break up, to get piercings, to get in a car accident, and all that other serious stuff.
We can even have it on the opposite side of the calendar… and choose the last day of the month instead of the first. That would be… October 31. To emphasize the stern nature, we have everyone dress in black and do stuff at night. Instead of honoring fools we will honor deans, as they are people of order. And since it will be a sacred day we’ll call it Hallow Dean’s Day.
Think it will work? A little scary to have a day like that?
LOL. nice.
That’s the whole point. People take life way too seriously. Why NOT have a day completely dedicated to mischief? It’s a great idea. Granted, it’s evolved into a day filled with cruel jokes, but most people don’t even know how to laugh at themselves.
April Fools should stay. And you should stop being so uptight.
either this is a joke or you need to get what ever it is that’s giving you a colonoscopy
@nephyo - I’m game as long as we invent another holiday centered around chocolate…
i’m not taking you seriously because this was posted on april 1st. ooooooh meta
Who needs months at all is what I say! DOWN WITH ORGANIZED HOLIDAYS!
I say we just get rid of the kids who make bomb threats on April fools days.
Waste. of. space.
Or we could make it a national holiday.
I AM SO WITH YOU!!!
…mostly because I fail at pranking people. T_T
Great entry, hehehehe.
~Mari
But… But… My birthday is in April.
We can’t get rid of the entire month!! Please? :’( I like my birthday.
I am so with you.. except that how do you deal with those who are born on April 1st ? Should we kill them all or have them change their birthday?!? JK.. Happy April Fool Day.
what. the. fuck?! thats all i have to say. this obviously is the best april fools joke of them all.
@Maggalaggadingdong - And we should get rid of May while we’re at it haha.
why so serious?
So am I reading this right? April Fools as a CRIMINAL OFFENCE when there are much worse things out there? it’s EXACTLY like how the police are unable to actually capture dangerous criminals and have to resort to giving random citizens speeding tickets because these citizens go over the speed limit by 3mph or 5km/h…
While I agree that bomb threats are ridiculous beyond belief and should be treated as a criminal offence, it does not justify your proposition since you take it to the extreme.
Oh, and while you’re at it, please post entries promoting the Big Brother related stuff as well. Let a specific group of people have absolute power over all human beings so crimes cannot be committed or Big Brother will arrest you and all that stuff…
This was pretty brilliant.
I actually think April fools is kinda lame, because everybody KNOWS there’s going to be a prank or a joke. They’re expecting it, which defeats the purpose of catching a person off guard.
Plus, today we had a mini concert in Sax Ensemble, and we were all like “a concert on April Fools? yeah right”
and we all sounded like shit because of it
I would have sounded like shit anyways, but I mean what a waste.
By the way, you have very good writing skills
I admire that in people! Thumbs up!
I might not reply very often, but I do read most of what you publish haha!
no
I agree with you, 100 freakin’ percent.
I ignored practically every facebook status that suggested that the person suddenly got pregnant, robbed, got their house burned down, etc. It’s ridiculous.
I’m with you! … April Fools!
Well done.
urm…happy belated april fools?
@TakingxOverxMe - Agreed.
I feel bad for people who’s houses burned down. and they went to call their extended family and they thought it was a joke…
“This has to stop.”
Powerful. And right on!
LOL, this was great!
If this isn’t a joke I feel really bad for you. You are so distraught about one day that you’ve completely forgotten that there are three hundered and sixty four more in the year. Given, sometimes april fools can be stressful, but also extremely entertaining. You don’t have to participate, and getting pranked is something that, where I live, happeneds everyday anyway. April fools just gives us an excuse not to get pissed off at eachother because that’s when it’s all in good fun.
But if it is a joke. Kudossss, it’s hilarious.
You cant get rid of the first of April without getting rid of April. As you said, April Fools is the first day of April – it doesnt matter what number is associated with it.
I like April too much to get rid of it. But I could do without the stupid crap people feel the need to do on such a day…
cute.
lighten up
I’m out every day.
~TW
@palliateremedies - Well if they are born on April 1st and RENOUNCE all April Fools joking we can let them live and change their birthday to a random day of their choosing. I would highly recommend patriotic days that show their loyalty to our great nation like the 4th of July. However, if they are born on the 1st AND have a history of pranking I’m afraid there is no hope for them. At the minimum we’d have to exile them. ^_^
@blast_it - SOUNDS GREAT! Those people who dare SPEED are HORRIBLE. No wonder we ticket them! However, tickets don’t go far enough. They should be forced into indentured servitude for a period of not less than 30 years. That should be sufficient to discourage such intolerably disruptive behaviors. Oh and don’t worry keep tuned in and you’ll see that I write TONS of other posts about how to structure our society in such a way as to ensure our safety from dangerous infidels.
@TF_Inuyasha - Good point! If nobody notices the pranks anyway, what the heck is the point? These dissidents can’t even follow basic logic! All the more reason to end this holiday for GOOD! And that concert example is a *perfect* example of the harm that can be caused by having a holiday focused on lies! (OOC – Thanks for the praise! I’m glad you’ve been reading and I hope I can continue to write things that you appreciate in the future)
@sincerely_winnie - @zretrareo27 - EXACTLY! How horrible for people to be lied to like that! Now you see the need to end this horror for good!
@alwaysjessielove - A JOKE! NO WAY! I never joke! It’s the fools who advocate a day of deception who are the jokers! They’re the ones who should end their evil ways! I am the only one with the courage to start a movement to end this darkness for good! If you live in a place where people prank each other all the time, I feel sooo sorry for you for living in such a horrifying place of lawlessness. I can only emplore you to join my movement and end this madness for good! (OOC – thanks! ^_^)
@der_lila_Stern - Some sacrifices must be made I’m afraid. I too have appreciated some aspects of the month of April but that horrible first day just ruins it for me. Perhaps we can replace the month with another month called Lirpa or something. That sounds cooler.
@nephyo - LOL! That sounds like a fun month. I can agree to that!!
@jesusmoshes2 - HERE! HERE!
@moonlitsage - BRILLIANT! However, this uptight Hallow Dean’s Day I think should exist without the counterbalancing April Fools Day. In fact… I think it’d be a great idea to simply make every day Hallow Dean’s Day so that people behave in a properly serious and uptight manner. That will be best for everyone.
@thexlighthouse - Nonsense! People don’t take life nearly seriously ENOUGH! We’re always doing absurd things that contribute nothing to the society as a whole like playing video games and going on dates, hanging out at amusement parks, attending concerts and comedy shows, watching television and movies and plays, and other NONSENSE! It’s grotesque. And I think it’s all because we allowed this absurdity of April Fools Day to come into existence! If we start by eliminating it we can then move on to getting rid of all this non-serious nonsense and put the world on the right track!
@black_lie - >_< I should have thought of that damn it! Next time I’ll have to start my crusade on April 2nd!
@xxKelsterxx - Execution is too good for them. I say a life time of torture in a dirty dark hole in the depths of antarctica.
@InaneInsanity - It is good that you have not falled into the dark habit of horrible pranking. You may yet be able to be saved! Together we will rule the Galaxy!
my birthday was on April 1st. I cannot imagine the time when I don’t turn any years older!
well………. here in the philippines, nobody cares about april fool’s day. December 28 which is innocence day is much more practiced where somebody make pranks on anybody. For me its no big deal, sometimes we need to loosen up u know.
By banning something in today’s society only makes it more appealing and a greater aspiration to successfully complete an April Fool’s prank. There are always loopholes in anything and people would find a way around banning pranks.
@moonlitsage - lol, I’d like to see this day!
Yes, I am with the rest of you~
@thexlighthouse - So very much agreed. People needs to loosen up at least once a year..
Easy way to solve this!!! Start April on the 2nd and not the 1st!!! >_>
Or we could just get rid of the whole month of April altogether.
come on now guys, world domination is obviously the only logical solution
I’m fully for getting rid of april 1st.
mainly because my friend drowned april first 2 years ago.
That was a great phone call…. no one believed it was real. We kinda hoped it was a joke until the burial….
stupid april fools day.. I’m all for getting rid of it.
I would just like to point out that as a member of The Devious Anarchists Beyond Redemption that I am totally offended at being once again lumped in with the Deviants and Disrupters of Society. Those freaks are lame and haven’t had a decent song in years. As far as your rant’s other points I am totally on board. What about giving february a 29th day every year and making April 1 the day that only appears every fourth year. My roomie thinks we should change the calendars so every day is April ! . He is such a D D of S !
@SamsBlackRider - (OOC – although I did intend this post as a joke and I don’t really want to get rid of the first of April, your comment reminds us that in all seriousness there ARE times when April Fools can be really harmful to people. I do think there should be certain kinds of pranks that go too far and are just understood to be off limits, in particular those involving deaths or acts of terrorism or violence. Some common sense should be used)
We need a March 32nd.
@gnostic1 - My deepest apologies! I did not mean to get those two organizations mixed up. My sole complaint was with members of both organizations that rebelliously attack innocent individuals through “pranks” on the first of April in the name of “good fun”. Others have suggested the February 29th idea, though I see no value of keeping the 1st of April even once every 4 years. 1 Day of pranks in 4 years is still one too Many! As for your roommate’s suggestion of making every day April…. it actually has potential! There would then only be one “first” day of April ever, namely the day the new Calendar system starts. That’s still one day too many. But maybe we could implement martial law on that day to ensure that things don’t get out of hand. My real fear about an always April regime is that people might make every day of April consisting of all ones a day of pranking. ie. April 1st, April 11th, April 111th, April 1,111th, etc. At least the fooling days would get further and further apart and we could spend more and more time preparing for them, but it’d still be too many. Far easier to wipe out the month of April!
@BenevolentOne - precisely!
@LinkTheValiant - This may become necessary, but I say why don’t we just try dropping one day first and then if necessary wipe out the netire months. If only because the changes in so many birthdays from wiping out an entire month would be a pain to deal with.
@missMary_smack - Of course! That’s the next step XD. But I’d like to at least give Congress a chance to wise up. If not, armed rebellion will be the only way. We’ll start by taking over the US and from there, the WORLD!
@a_drunken_cellist - now that’s just… *odd*. 32 days is so unnatural. Don’t know if I can handle the weirdness of that even for a good cause.
April Fools is a day to be playful and pull harmless pranks. Chill out.
You are way too serious with things.
@all___chaoticminds - @robynrenee1 - Yup. That’s me an overly serious stick in the mud who needs to “chill out” …. lol. I can only hope the rest of society adopts my prudish reserved nature. ^_^
Oh the irony in posting this on April fools day.. Very subtle humor. I’d laugh harder if it wasn’t so long, but it was funny.
And if you didn’t intend it to be funny, well, I’m very sorry you live a life like this.
Hm… you make a valid point, but I have one comment.
April Fools’ Day is mainly carried out by kids/young adults in school who KNOW that this is not meant seriously or to be a problem. It actually gets rid of some of the “spring fever” that comes with the warmer weather. This foolery is beneficial to all, including the “victims” -if they should really be called as such- who usually get a laugh themselves by the end of the day. AFD is looked forward to by many of these students as a day of fun and friendship, and “pranks” perpetrated by a group spark a sense of comradeship between those who may not neccesarily have enjoyed each other’s company before (ie my class and I pranking my teacher yesterday). April Fool’s is looked forward to as one of the first Spring holidays, and signifies the excitement that comes with the warmth and growth of that season.
This comment is not meant to offend, but expresses my views in totality.
ESIZM
Just do as I do, Grasshopper. Take everything you see, read, or hear on April 1 with the appropriately sized grain of salt.
@BenevolentOne - no, because then the 2nd of april would become the 1st of april and “April Fools’ Day” would be on March 32nd.
You need to calm your tits.
Damn. Lighten up a little and learn to have fun with life.
^_^
BUT are YOU the one playing a joke on US? 0.o Jeez
Haha, I love April Fools Day.
lolololol.
someone must not have friends.
Actually I don’t agree with you at all. I think we’ve been doing this thing ALL wrong for a VERY long time. We need to preserve April 1st but turn it into COMPLETELY SERIOUS DAY and then spend the next 364 having fun and being mischivous… I believe that people would have less stress therefore reducing violence, crime and the need for so much porn.
Thanks for the reply. First off ” organisation” is definitely not what the DABR is all about! Secondly , I am suspicious of my roommates motives since April 1 is his birthday and he is all about the presents. Thirdly I think it would be a good prank to try and convince old ladies that we are moving to a binary calendar ( april 10011 etc. ). Are you in?
you won’t get rid of it. lighten up seriously. its one day out of the WHOLE year.
@i_wanna_tell_you_my_secrets - No way! My birthday is in May!
This post is so lame that it had to be a joke =P
@nephyo - Well there’s always December. I would say it depletes productivity because of all the potentiall productive time that people spend instead shopping and fighting over the best deals and suffereing through time with family they can’t stand rather than spending it peacefully with family they lover.
hmmm. First of all.. NO. I am not with you because I think this is a bit much but since this is America, I can do that just like you can do this. And more importantly my daughter and my brother and my sister in law all have birthdays in April so… we kinda need it.
HA APRIL FOOLS!!!11!!
but seriously….do you reall think that a day for fun and games is so wrong? You are looking at this completely wrong. You see it as a day of cruelty and deception (in my best guess probably only because you fell for some horrible prank that hurt or scared you beyond belief) while it is just another day where you can play a joke on someone and get a good laugh, a day when people can expect to have a joke played on them and when it is they can laugh at it. April fools day gives people the chance to do this and not be judged for it. imagine if someone plays a funny prank on you on some other day, you might think that its a little out of place and get mad; April fools day opens up the chance to avoid that. yeah so there are some pranks here and there (and there are the ones that go way over the line) but the original ones and the good ones are already played out. people have to become more and more creative to pull off a good prank slowly making them fewer and further between. The idea that it goes agains Gods precepts is a little twisted out of proportion. playing a joke on someone (and i use “joke” as a thing that everyone [even the prank'ee] will laugh at) is nothing wrong and thats what april fools day is about.
I completely and totaly respect your opinion. i do not wish to judge (that is not what im trying to do.) i just think that something like this is a little over the edge
This entry is an April fool joke lol
man. relax. have some sense of humor.
lighten up. we all need a joke every now and then.
@Maggalaggadingdong - Ah fine but no getting rid of January! Ditch June July and August instead.
lol someone got picked on as a kid on April Fools day. >.>
LOLLL!
Awe, but it’s going to be my favourite day of the whole year once I get into my journalism career. >D
LOL, I had a joke played on me on April 1st.
LAME JOKE!let’s get rid of it together!!!
im a student i dont care about economics and business so
im not with you YET
I’m not a fan of April Fools – people you normally trust think it’s ok to breach that trust and mock you. It’s quite insulting actually. I can appreciate bogus news stories but when your colleagues start fucking with you, you just want to punch them in the face.
Party Pooper
Only fools believe in April fools day? LOL that was a good read
I can’t take you seriously because this post was made on April 1.
Haha great post.. i love how you got a little over board at the end. ^_^
Sure?
That would suck if your birthday was on April 1st and we got rid of the day.
I don’t think April Fool’s Day should be taken THAT seriously. People don’t even really make pranks anymore for that day.
Anyway, I think you’re overreacting.
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