April 8, 2009
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characteristic similarities
Characteristic similarities in entities who spend inordinate amounts of time with one another never seem to lead to dynamic equilibrium. Rather, they always seem to progress to one of two unstable states.
In one case the entities resembling one another manifest their characteristics *more*. They feed off each other becoming more and more whatever until something gives. Usually an external force is forced to step in to force a behavioral re-balancing.
In the other case one of the pair finds the other’s characteristic to be a dark mirror of themselves and they don’t like what they see. So they become less and less of characteristic X even as the other becomes more characteristic X in response. Over time the two annoy one another more and more each wondering why the other can’t be more or less X respectively. Eventually they drive each other mad unless a divisive act separates them.
Simple example. One person starts to spend time with another person. Both are prone to use dirty language and curses on occasion.
In scenario one both entities start cursing more and more the more time they spend with each other. Their language grows fouler by the moment as long as they are near each other until finally some random outsider remarks to one or both of them that they have gone out of control forcing them to re-examine their speaking habits. They then re-balance, either by spending less time with one another or by both making conscious efforts to watch their language.
In scenario two, one entity starts cursing less, while the other’s language gets steadily worse. The more bad the one entity’s language gets the more that encourages the other to clean up his or her language. The more the one entity cleans up his or her language the more that instills in the other the resolve to not modify his or her language. Sometimes one or the other might perceive the other person as looking down on them or mocking them by their behavioral change and this creates a tension that ultimate leads to feuds, cold wars, and other battles. In the end, most likely they separate.
These seem to be the most likely possibilities I have observed.
Comments (8)
I don’t know if it is all that complicated. I guess I see it to a lesser extent.
mostly, people just get sick of each other. or bored. or they feel like the other person is limiting them.
I’m not the best at human relations though.
interesting blog.
<3
@Alyxandri - thanks! i do tend to over complicate things. People do tend to get bored with each other and need time a part but I think that’s a little different from what I was trying to describe. I guess I was talking about something like if two people are both neat freaks, sometimes they can sort of get on each other’s nerves because they are both too neatness obsessed. And likewise if two people are both messy or don’t care about keeping things tidy.
I guess I found it interesting because it’s unintuitive. I mean you’d THINK people who are ALIKE would not find tension over the things they are ALIKE. You’d think the tension woudl come over the differences. But the thing is the differences you expect and tend to be tolerant of. It’s the similarities that really get you. That’s why I wrote this.
@nephyo - yeah, I guess that’s why it works out better when opposites date and people who are more alike are just friends.
mind if I subscribe?
<3
@Alyxandri - of course not ^_^ You are welcome here and I hope you enjoy my writing. Feel free to stop by and comment whenever
@nephyo - thnx.
<3
definitely agree. i remember reading somewhere (after thumbing through some personality types research) that in relationships (personal and professional) it’s better to find someone who is more different from you than more the same. complete opposites have their flaws too, but complete mirrors can have more problems than most think.
Great post, (I visit it here from time to time), It’s easier for me to create friendship with person relative in his or her interests etc., but mostly, it becomes a mirror scenario for me, since see those bad habbits I have…
It’s connected with reasons why you start conversation with strange person, who are you interested in (in pubs and such). I have to find some similarity, like hearing her talking about recent concert of my favourite band, and here I can interrupt, find out more…
But on what basis you start conversation (friendship..) with a person of different interests? That’s the breaking point for me
.
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After that phase, you only have to put up with the differences you don’t like. And for that I must mention great film “Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind”, what I take from it is that 2 different people can just perfect for each other, if they want
Still, it’s hard to break the waves, but as Woody Alles said in Annie Hall, “…I guess we keep goin’ through it because, uh, most of us… need the eggs….”
Cheers!
@Zax - Hi. Sorry it took me song long for me to reply to your comments. Thanks for visiting and feel free to keep stopping by.
RYC, yeah I think most most people tend to forge friendships and connections with people who are similar to them. That’s because of two separate influences. One is because it’s more comfortable to deal with people ho are like you. Conversation is easier. You have stuff to talk about. You have things you can do together. Two is because the way society is ordered we are not often forced to interact with people who are different from us. And hence we don’t often learn about all the different kinds of people who are out there who aren’t “like us” with whom we could get along.
In any case my comments were only with regards to when you spend an *indordinate* amount of time with the same person who is *very* similar to you in some aspect or another. In those cases I feel the similarities between you are more likely to cause tensions than the differences.
I agree with you that people who are different can still become very close. And on the other hand I also agree with @moonlitsage who said that differences can cause their own problems too. Most commonly differences in moral outlook are usually hard to overcome. Hence a very strong conservative is unlikely to exert the effort to become close to a person who is very liberal or vice versa. Likewise differences in overall life visions tend to, I think, create amongst the strongest barriers to connectivity. A person who believes in becoming wealthy, famous, and successful will have a hard time coping with a person who wants only to create a stable situation and leave a mark on the people they care about.
Still I think these differences if understood before hand are easier to overcome that tensions resulting from characteristic similarities. In part I wonder if that isn’t because the tensions that result from characteristic similarities are more of a suprise to people. You sort of “expect” differences to cause tension but you don’t expect similaritis to do so. Instead it comes as a surprise. Further, I wonder if it isn’t with differences that we are more tolerant because we see the variances as something mysterious or not understood so we are willing to give more leeway in our attempts to understand why and what experiencial background could possibly make the other person so radically different from us? Like I might be really curious if someone I greatly respect the intellect of is very Conservative. I’d want to understand *why* that person is Conservative when I am Liberal. On the other hand if I have a roommate who is as naturally messy as I am, it never occurs to me to think about why the person is that messy, instead it just sort of annoys me cuz it serves as constant reminder to me of how messy I am which was never a characteristic I particularly liked about myself.