May 16, 2009

• I think I might stop reading

  When I was a kid I was a bookworm. Everywhere I went I could be seen with a book. I read at every single moment of pause. Whenever I was waiting in line, sitting in an office, at the beginning and at the end of class, on bus rides, or even as I walked down the hallways I read.  I read long into the night almost every night and at times I read instead of sleeping altogether. I was even the person who would bring a book to a movie theater and try to read a bit while waiting for the movie to start. Basically I couldn’t get enough of reading. And most of what I read was fiction books for my own pleasure.

  That’s no longer the case though. In fact I find myself less and less inclined to read and especially not for simple pleasure.  I currently have a book of fiction I borrowed from a friend that I’ve been reading for almost a year. A Song for Arbonne by Guy Gavriel Kay. I still haven’t finished. And it’s a good well written book. There’s no reason it’s taking me so long. It’s absurd.

  I’ve got another book that is the third book of the second series of an author I love. It’s Kushiel’s Mercy by Jacqueline Carey. When I rushed out and bought it when it first came out I was excited. I quickly read about half of it. And then I stopped. It’s sitting on my bookshelf still unfinished. 

  Two famous non-fiction books that I’d been dying to read I also managed to acquire. One, The God Delusion I found at a Half-Price books for dirt cheap so I couldn’t help myself from buying. I’d started reading it a long time ago when it first came out but I didn’t own it until now. So I picked this up and started rereading from the beginning. So far I’ve gotten to page ten.  Another book, called The Shock Doctrine by Naomi Klein is a book I’d wanted like forever and my old high school friend surprised me by sending it to me as a gift. When I got it, I was thinking this is SO AWESOME I can’t wait until I read it so I can write about it.

  I made it through three pages before being distracted. That was MONTHS ago. I still have it sitting by my bed every day thinking I’ll read it a little before I go to sleep. I never do.

  Currently I have five or six books I’m borrowing from friends I haven’t finished. One is tiny. It’s Night by Eli Wiesel. Absurd that I haven’t read it yet. Another is called Godplayers which I haven’t started.

  I also have three manga series I’m borrowing.  Two from a friend. One is Tarot Cafe. That’s about 5 or 6 volumes. The other is Ouran Host Club or something like that. I forget. It’s like 13 volumes and some 70+ chapters total though I think I only borrowed the first 8 or 9 volumes.   I haven’t started either of these unless you count a few pages of Tarot Cafe. The other one I’m borrowing from my brother and is called Fruits Basket. I know I love this series since I loved the Anime and I’ve read the first issue of the Manga. But I haven’t cracked open these 20 volumes either.

  I also have a Joss Whedon X-Men compilation comic book I haven’t started, and a Deadpool and Cable compilation comic book I’ve read two pages of, not to mention numerous other random small comic books I haven’t cracked. I’d LOVE to get caught up other comics too. Especially, Justice League, the Avengers, and Teen Titans. Not to mention there’s all kinds of interesting stuff happening in X-Men and Batman series that I’ve been hearing about but haven’t been able to read.

  I recently read one Mercedes Lackey book that was interesting called Burning Brightly. The only reason I was able ot make myself finish it is because I was borrowing it from a friend who had checked it out of the library so I basically had no choice but to read it so I could return it. It was a good book. And as a result I got curious about all kinds of Mercedes Lackey so I checked out two trilogies and another Mercedes Lackey book and I borrowed another still. In addition my roommate checked out a bunch of Anne McCaffery books she thinks I will love that she wants me to read and which look interesting to me as well. I think there’s like six or seven of those she checked out. In addition I checked out a book called Dragons of Dwarven Depths or something like that by Weis and Hickman which is a retelling of one of my favorite book series when growing up, the Chronicles by Weis and Hickman.

  Oh yeah I also bought the third book in the Eragon series I really wanted to read but never got around to it. There’s another book from the half-price book store I got called The Namesake or something that I haven’t read either. I have seen the movie though. I also have two Tarot books that came with my cards I want to read from cover to cover but never have.

  On Manga I also desperately want to read One Piece and Shaman King online. But both series are insanely long and will take an eternity to get through. Still I think they are the kinds of series I would definitely love. I’m caught up on Naruto and Negima more or less, but I’m way behind in Bleach another favorite of mine. XXXHolic and Tsubasa Chronicles are also on my list of *must* reads.

  I also read web comics. And there’s like five or six of them that I want to read straight through from the begining. Least I Could Do, Looking for Group, xkcd, and Questionable Content just to name a few. But of course I haven’t even gotten close on any of them.

  I really want to read Angels and Demons before I go to see the movie. I checked it out from the library intending to read it over a year ago. But I ended up having to return it unread cuz I didn’t have time. And for the Xanga Book club that just started up I want to read Dante’s Inferno too so I can discuss it with everyone.  What are the chances of me actually succeeding in doing that? Very slim I’d say.

  When I look through my bookshelves these days I see many more books that I HAVEN’T read than I have. I haven’t even listed half of the pending books here I don’t think. And it’s daunting. It’s more than a little depressing. I got all these books for a reason. I was curious. I wanted to read. I wanted to learn from them, to think about them, or to experience them.  Only I haven’t. They sit there. They gather space and dust and it just makes me feel so sad. So bad.

  Part of the problem is that I don’t have time. I don’t feel comfortable reading at work even on a slow day since it looks like I’m slacking. And there’s ALWAYS more work to do at work so it never makes any sense to read on the job. I’m positive my boss would not appreciate it if he walked in and saw me reading a book or saw me with a manga on my computer screen when we’re supposed to be working on a project. At least when I’m writing a blog entry on the job it *sounds* like I’m working.

  When I get home I hang out with my roommate, eat dinner, usually watch a movie or TV shows or play video games. My video game backlog is almost as large as my reading backlog.  And I sleep. Usually pretty early.

  Many times I go over to hang out with other friends. On weekends especially this happens fairly frequently. During such trips I get little reading done. Usually it’s talking and watching movies, tv shows or something. Sometimes I’m helping out fixing computers or internet access or something along those lines. Very rarely it’s playing games. But virtually never reading. Reading isn’t exactly a social activity.

  On top of that there’s shopping for stuff, paying bills, planning future trips, studying so that I know enough to do well on my job, and of course WRITING.  I spend enormous amounts of time writing on my blog and a good chunk of time writing in private journals on rare occassion.  For my blog, I spend tons of time researching stuff online so that I can write about them on my blog and at least get somewhat close to being accurate.

  I also spend a great deal of time commenting in great detail on other people’s blogs espeially when I see some dubious or false fact promoted that nobody is refuting. I feel an obligation to take the time to research and leave a comment on these blogs that spells out the truth. But this takes TIME.

  I also SLEEP. A LOT. I sleep far too much. I find it far more difficult to stay up late into the night. Especially since I am virtually always sick. I’ve had a cough for I don’t even know how long now. And it’s sapping my energy. I cough harder when I exercise or exert myself so I get unhealthier too by the day. And if this follows the pattern of a few years ago this cough will virtually never go away all I can do is manage it somewhat and make it less disruptive of my life. Sleeping however stops me from coughing so I feel a great urge to be sleeping often. Even now.

  Another somewhat new aspect of my life that takes up far more time than I anticipated is chatting online. I do a LOT more of that than I ever thought I would. I’ve been trying to cut back on that cuz far too often I’ve discovered hours of my life gone away during which I did nothing but chat on IM with someone and was lost in thought or randomly browsing the web while I chatted. It get’s ridiculous.  I enjoy chatting through IM and it often alleviate my otherwise boredom but then I look back and see a mountain of video games to play, and books to read, and chores to do, and potential writing to write none of which have gotten anywhere closer to being done.

  But it’s not just because I am busy that I don’t get much reading done. It’s also the simple fact that I read incredibly slowly. This is becoming increasingly obvious to me the more I am exposed to people who read quickly. But in truth I’ve always known I read slowly. And I remember being smart enough when I was a kid to be able to hide it from my teachers. I did it instinctively cuz slow readers are perceived as “stupid” in school settings at least they were when I was young. Or rather being a quick reader was a matter of some considerable pride to people and kids would often boast about it.  I thought it was absurd.

  Yeah I read pretty darn slowly. It’s not reading comprehension that slows my speed though, it’s more to do with eye tracking and the way I process information. Part of it is that I am EXTREMELY near sighted. I have fairly thick glasses and they are the high index types. That means there really is no comfortable reading distance for me to hold the books I read. Without my glasses I have to put the book so close up to my face that my whole head has to move to track the words. With my glasses I keep adjusting the distance of the book looking for a position that feels right and none really do.

  It’s certainly not for lack of practice that I read slow. I read all the time like I said. And I also have tried the tricks to train the eyes to read faster using index cards covering words and stuff like that. They don’t work for me. Part of it is that it doesn’t matter how fast I read the words. I often pause to think and wonder about what I just read and to stare off into space, or my mind just wanders off to something else wholly unrelated to what I’m reading. No matter how engrossing the book I’m reading is. I always do that far more often than is sane.

  Also I’ve gotten so used to the bits and bytes of information retrieval model of the internet that I find it harder and harder to concentrate on traditional lengthy stories and detailed expositions. When I’m blogging or searching for information to blog or even searching for information to use for my job, I’m constantly skimming, looking for keywords, reading tiny snippets, and twitters, and brief news articles and clicking on links from one thing to another to another to another. And watching videos in between and listening to audio or rapidly clicking through images.  I’m learning a lot and experiencing a lot but the experience of “reading” online is so different from reading books and manga that switching modes to the more traditional forms of reading. It’s almost as if I’m falling out of habit. Like I’m “forgetting” how to sit down and read a book.

  All of this together makes reading seem like far too daunting a task these days. I look at my huge stack of pending reading projects and I think, this is impossible. I’ll never fiinish all of these. And as I try more and more books I want to read will come out, will be lent to me or given to me, will mysteriously show up in my posession. More and more. Even as there are more TV shows and movies and video games I want to experience too. And as my ideas for writing grow and grow and I make new connections I want to keep track of and my responsibilities on my job become more and more. SOMETHING has to give.

  So I’m thinking maybe it should be reading. Or at least reading for pleasure. Maybe I’ll just stop. Period. I’ll only read the books in the series I am currently in the middle of as they come out but nothing else unless I know it to be absolutely extraordinary and have numerous recommendations. Even then if I cna’t get into the book right away I’m just going to discard it and never try to read it again. I’m going to try and keep my reading list as small and tight as possible and only read the subset of the very best of the best that also happen to be the kinds of books that I would enjoy.

  I’ve always been a person who gets carried away and wants to learn everything I can. That’s the problem. I commit myself to too much and then quickly become overwhelmed and end up with nothing. Life seems to short to waste on such experiences.

  Writing is far more important to me than reading right now. So if for no other reason than that I want to have more time to write, I think my reading for pleasure is just going to have to go. 

  One day soon I may have to give up video games, movies, and TV shows too so I can focus all my attention on writing. But for now I don’t have the willpower to give up so much so quickly.

  • 8:50 am
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