Before Iran went all crazy the big news of the day coming out of the Middle East was the famous Cairo Speech by President Obama. Now there’s a lot of good things in the speech and a lot of things I didn’t like, mostly the things he didn’t say that he could have. But of course the part of this speech that got the most attention was Obama’s supposedly extraordinarily tough hard line response to Israel. Riiiight…
Anyways here’s the relevant part of what he said:
“At the same time, Israelis must acknowledge that just as Israel’s right to exist cannot be denied, neither can Palestine’s. The United States does not accept the legitimacy of continued Israeli settlements. This construction violates previous agreements and undermines efforts to achieve peace. It is time for these settlements to stop.
Israel must also live up to its obligations to ensure that Palestinians can live, and work, and develop their society. And just as it devastates Palestinian families, the continuing humanitarian crisis in Gaza does not serve Israel’s security; neither does the continuing lack of opportunity in the West Bank. Progress in the daily lives of the Palestinian people must be part of a road to peace, and Israel must take concrete steps to enable such progress.”
Well as it turns out that kinda annoyed some of the leadership in Israel so a few days ago Benjaimin Netanyahu Prime Minister of Israel gave his response. He said he accepts a 2 state solution BUT with certain conditions. In particular he said:
“We must recognise this reality and at the same time stand firmly on those principles essential for Israel. I have already stressed the first principle – recognition. Palestinians must clearly and unambiguously recognise Israel as the state of the Jewish people. The second principle is: demilitarisation. The territory under Palestinian control must be demilitarised with ironclad security provisions for Israel. Without these two conditions, there is a real danger that an armed Palestinian state would emerge that would become another terrorist base against the Jewish state, such as the one in Gaza. We don’t want Kassam rockets on Petach Tikva, Grad rockets on Tel Aviv, or missiles on Ben-Gurion airport. We want peace.
…
Therefore, today we ask our friends in the international community, led by the United States, for what is critical to the security of Israel: Clear commitments that in a future peace agreement, the territory controlled by the Palestinians will be demilitarised: namely, without an army, without control of its airspace, and with effective security measures to prevent weapons smuggling into the territory – real monitoring, and not what occurs in Gaza today. And obviously, the Palestinians will not be able to forge military pacts.”
Brilliant! I mean surely it’s a great idea to make Palestine a demilitarized state? Who wants violence and terrorists! Nobody likes wars. Let’s just take away their military and their arms and all their ability to defend themselves, block off their airspace and control their borders! Other than THAT they can be as soveriegn as they’d like. I tip my hat to Mr. Netanyahu.
However, let’s presuppose YOU are appointed by President Obama and the United Nations with the enviable task of negotiating this great agreement that will END the stalemate in the Middle East and bring about a lasting Peace. Let’s do a mental exercise and see how that might turn out.
You heard Netanyahu’s brilliant speech so you think, “Great! I’ll just go to the Palestinians and offer them that idea and it’ll be done. Case closed.”
And to your great glee the Palestinians are quite receptive to your offer. They just have one little itsy bitsy condition that they must predicate their demilitarization along the lines provided and described by the good Prime Minister of Israel. The Palestinians say:
“Sure we’ll demilitarize. But of course you do understand, that if these conditions are reasonable for us, then it should be equally reasonable to place those very same conditions upon ISRAEL. I mean, we all want Peace right? If it’s such a small burden for us to undertake, surely Israel will acquiesce to similar minor conditions. If they do that then we’ll demilitarize at once.”
So you say to yourself… heeeey, he’s kinda got a point! So you go back to Israel and present this possibility. The Israelis are nice reasonable people too of course and they see quite well the wisdom in the Palestinians idea. BUT, there’s one small problem.
“We would love to demilitarize, but you know we just wouldn’t feel SAFE demilitarized. There are all these Arab countries around us that have a history of plotting our DESTRUCTION. I mean that lunatic in Iran says it outright on regularly basis. Not to mention Hezbollah and other militant groups. We will demilitarize as soon as all these threats are equally demilitarized.”
You start to get a bit annoyed. But again you see the reasonableness of this request so you head off to Egypt, Lebanon, Jordan, Saudi Arabia, Iran, Syria, and a few other states in the area. You’re a bit nervous because these are a lot of people but to your pleasure they are ALL also very reasonable people. They say to you:
“If Israel and Palestine are demilitarized well OF COURSE we’d LOVE to demilitarize! There’s only one catch. You see we aren’t really that concerned with Israel. Our real problem is with the United States. I mean they’ve interferred in our elections. They’ve invaded some of our countries. They’ve baked Israel with money and arms for so long and secretly we really believe that deep down they just covet our oil resources. We just CAN’T feel safe until the US demilitarizes as well together with all its satellites and proxies.”
And Iran chirps in at the end: “And don’t forget Iraq! They are our ancient enemies, AND they’re controlled by the US. They better be demilitarized or we’rre not in!”
Alright!! NOW We’re making progress! After getting Iraq’s concession on pretty much the same terms as the rest of the Middle East, you head on back home thinking your job is almost done.
“Mr. President”, you say, “I’ve almost procurred a complete peace settlement throughout the Middle East!”
“Seriously dude?!? That’s awesome!” (yeah we all know the President talks like that in private)
“Not only that I’ve gotten ALL the countries in the Middle East including Israel, Iraq, Iran, Palestine, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Jordan, Saudi Arabia and others to ALL agree to eliminate all of their military and arms!”"
“NO WAY! KICK ASS! Ok… wait… wait… hold on a second what’s the CATCH??”
“There’s just one little thing. All we have to do is agree to demilitarize the United States. No big deal. I mean we all love Peace right?”
“Now hold on a second Bob.” Yeah I just named you Bob. Deal with it. “Are you saying the US has to get rid of ALL its arms?”
“That’s right. I mean I figured it’d be an easy thing for we are the peace loving nation of the world.”
“Well you’re right about that. We do love Peace. And I’d LOVE to demilitarize. I mean the money we would save alone would be enormous. But there’s just a few little problems here and there we have to deal with before that can be a possibility.”
Hearing those words your heart sinks because you know you’re going to have more work to do.
And pretty soon you’re off again. The President has sent you off to a few troublemaker states on his list that need to demilitarize before the US would even consider such a thing as demilitarization. Afghanistan, Pakistan, North Korea, and Venezuela though you suspect he just threw Venezuela in there for good measure.
Afghanistan and Venezuela are fairly easy to convince. And Pakistan predictably demands that India’s military also be dismantled. North Korea needs South Korea demiltiarized. Japan has no military, but Korea also wants Japan’s agreement not to generate a military. North Korea is worried about China too but they don’t press the issue so you don’t bother pursuing it.
After hearing the US is on board, South Korea, India and Japan all line up lickity spit. So you’re back on your way to the US thinking that FINALLY you’ve got everything taken care of. Then the President lays the real big one on you.
“Bob. Look I’ve got a confession to make to you. The honest to goodness truth is we don’t really care that much about North Korea, Iran, or Afghanistan. I know, I know our rhetoric is all about stopping them and all that. But our REAL concerns are the same as in old days, We’re concerned about India’s growing economic power.”
“Oh don’t worry!”, you chime in quickly, “India’s already on board!”
“Very good. Very good. But even more dangerous than India, we’ve got China. And we’re still none too fond of Russia and all the other states that used to be a part of the Soviet Union. So…” He pats you on the back. “Keep up the good work Bob and come back once you’ve secured their agreement.”
You give an exasperated sigh and head on out. A diplomat’s work is never done!
China first. They turn out to be a bit obstinate. They want no states on their borders or nearby to be militarized. So mongolia, Cambodia, Malaysia, the Philippines, Thailand, Vietnam, Taiwan, and a few others are your next destinations.
After securing their consent to demilitarize, it’s back up to Russia and its allies. Now, at first Russia seems all gung ho about it and you think this is going to be the easiest trip yet. Seems Russian intelligence has been watching you all along and approves greatly of this demilitarization strategy. So they wait until the very last minute to drop the bomb on you.
“Comrad! As we discussed we will be demilitarizing at once and getting all our bordering nations to also demilitarize. You do understand though, that of course we expect that before we begin our most just demilitarization efforts we expect all our good neighbors in the rest of Europe will surely have removed all their military arms.”
You reply with all your diplomatic elegance and sophistication: “Shit.”
Europe it is. The Europeans should be EASY right? I mean sophisticated western powers and all that. NOT! Every single European country has its OWN conditions and they bicker about them back and forth for what seems like AGES. And Great Brittain is amongst the worst! You see they have all these silly concerns that all these countries they did horrible things to over the last two hundred years might want to take their *revenge* on them or some such nonsense.
By the time you’re done with Europe you’ve traveled to every remaining nation in Africa, South America, and Central America, Greenland and Canada. You’re not sure WHY Canada had to be included. But everyone in the European Union were pretty much unanimous on the point. Maybe they were afraid the US might use Canada as a proxy nation for their wars. It only took a few countries in Africa and South America before internal rivalries basically resulted in securing the agreement of all the rest.
But finally, FINALLY after all that you are done. You head back to the President who greets you with open arms!
“You did it yo! Rock on! U DA MAN!”
You accept the praise with a wry exhausted smile. And just say you hope we hurry up and get this over with.
So at the next meeting of the United Nations the agreements are signed. All the countries leaderships are there. And just before the United Global Demilitarization Treaty was about to be signed into law a niggling thought crosses your mind and you shout out!
“WAIT!!! Are we missing anyone!?!?!?”
Everyone stops and thinks really hard but for the life of them they can’t think of anyone. They shrug you off and get back to the business at hand.
And so the treaty is signed.
World Peace is finally obtained!
Under the rule of the United Global Military Empire of Australia.
See? Demilitarization was a BRILLIANT idea!