April 27, 2010

• the first defense: emotional withdraw

  All of this is just a theory of mine. Take it with a grain of salt.

  Probably the most common self-defense mechanism for protected oneself from repeated hurt is emotional withdraw.

  If you suffered several hurts, particularly if they happened over a short period of time, it is almost instinctual to start to withdraw oneself from deep or lasting emotional connections. In essence, one is pre-suffering the pain of losing those connections but in a more slow and controlled rate so as not to have to suffer a shocking all-at-once loss. Further, overlapping the hurt one feels from losing prior connections with the pain one figures they will eventually feel over losing their current connections often seems like a good bargain to people. Get it all out of the way at once, you figure. That way you don’t have to keep dealing with it again and again.

  Similarly, emotional withdraw is used to prevent new connections from developing or to prevent existing connections from becoming any stronger. The logic here is that the fewer deeper connections you form the less likely it is you will suffer from their loss in the future. While we can’t always control how close we get to someone, usually closeness isn’t a one time event. Rather it is a product of a growth of re-enforcing interactions. So person A feels amount N for B, interacts with B revealing that amount of feeling . Person B in turn starts to feel and demonstrate feeling amount M for A. That in turn causes person A to feel amount N+X  for B which in turn causes B to feel amount M+Y for A and so on and so forth. It’s sort of a chain reaction.  But if person A though they feel amount N for B simply does not reveal that N amount feeling or demonstrates a significantly smaller N, well then the chain is either broken or greatly reduced and overall emotional attachment grows at a much slower rate. Which is of course the point.

  Of course from the perspective of the person being withdrawn from this always seems like a selfish and callous thing to do. And in a sense that’s partly right. That is especially how they will see it if they don’t know what hurt the withdrawn person has experienced that triggers the withdraw. It’s partly right because emotional withdraw is certain a self-centric interaction strategy. You are trying to defend oneself. It’s a mechanism for keeping onesself from harm. As a result, you often aren’t thinking about what harm your withdraw might and most likely is causing to others who might be in great need of the exact opposite of withdraw.  So how selfish the withdraw really is largely depends on how close the withdrawing person is to suffering irreparable long term damage from further loss or pain. It’s like the difference between a huge powerful strong person running away because they risk suffering a paper cut and a tiny weak person running away from being beaten to a pulp by a deranged bloody mob after having previously suffered considerable wounds from earlier conflicts. Imagine that there’s someone else there in both cases that the person could, if they stayed, possibly protect from the same harm or even some greater harm. Obviously we understand the latter case. If the person stays in that situation they are demonstrating extreme bravery. But in the former case, we see the person who ran away as being a selfish coward.

  But we are talking about emotional strength and emotional bravery here which in no way correlates at all with physical capacity or courage.  People who are hurting and have suffered numerous emotional wounds often don’t give off any clear or visible outward sign of it. Indeed, if they are withdrawing they are by very definition hiding whatever hurt they’ve felt prior as part of their self-defense strategy. The withdraw itself is the only real indication and that in turn can and often is easily mistaken for apathy, indifference, coldness, cruelty, callousness, frivolity, or childishness. Because those are all ways in which people do prevent themselves from becoming more connected, it’s often hard to tell if someone feels these emotions or lack thereof truly or is simply using those reactions in order to avoid deeper or stronger connections.

  Example. Someone you know buries themselves in video games never rearing their head when company or friends are around. All they ever want to do is play games.  Now it could be that they really just love games that much or it could be that they are really addicted and have a problem.  OR it could be that they are using the video games as a tool to withdraw from developing deeper connections that might cause them greater harm.  How can you tell which is which? 

  I dunno. It’s hard. But it pays not to jump to conclusions.  It might be that a person who seems to be acting in a withdrawing fashion is really just an Ass with a capital A.  They aren’t doing because they have to but because they want to or because they don’t care who they are hurting.  OR it might be that the withdrawing person is really suffering and is trying to push others away to protect them. They may have, and most likely have, justified it to themselves that they are helping to protect the others whom they are withdrawing from as well. This is particularly likely if they have a low self-esteem and are likely inclined to think that someone being close to them is no big help or benefit to those people. A person who thinks other people are better off without knowing them is much more likely to find it easier to withdraw.

  The key I think is to trust one’s evaluations of people. If you didn’t think someone was an Ass before chances are better than average that you had reasons for that belief that were based on truth. In that case it’s unlikely, though not impossible for that person to have simply become an Ass all at once. It’s certainly not impossible or even unlikely for them to ACT like an Ass though for whatever reason be it anger at you or an attempt to withdraw from you. The question I guess then would be to ask yourself whether it makes a difference to you whether the person is really an Ass or just pretending to be?

  If you can determine though with a certainty that someone is withdrawing and not just fundamentally an ass, there may be recourse in order to prevent that person from withdrawing further.  Why would you want to do that?  Well in addition to the immediate benefit of allowing you to become closer to that person there’s a deeper more important benefit. 

  The truth is withdrawing people generally are doing considerable harm to themselves by withdrawing. Often on some level they are even aware of this. But the safe feeling you get from being withdrawn often seems a better deal even if you know your long term happiness will suffer as a result. The problem is, emotional withdraw can be like an addiction. The more you live in that space away from deep connections with people the less likely you are to ever want to leave it. You might only plan to stay until your hurt dies down a little but in reality since you aren’t dealing with the real causes of the hurt you’re going to end up in that place a lot longer. And it’ll just get easier and easier to stay there as it becomes harder and harder to be willing to take the risk of developing deeper connections. But down that road leads at the minimum an empty life and at worse deep depression, madness, or even sociopathy.

  So for this reason if one can establish that someone is withdrawing too much and staying there too long when they really need to be coping with their hurt so that they can move on, it can be a kind thing to do to try and help them out of that hurt place to a point where they can develop natural meaningful connections again. But that’s far easier said than done. It might not even be possible, or possible for you to do for this particular person. They might need lots of help you can’t give or help from a professional who has more experience dealing with these kinds of problems. Or you might not be the person who can get through to them and they have to wait until they are helped by just the right person at just the right time.

  Or instead, you might be the right person and now might be the right time. The key would then be to try and find a way to communicate with them in such a way that leads them to reveal what they are really thinking and feeling. To let go of that first defense. Even a small crack in the wall might be the opening you need. If you can get someone to remember the good aspects of feeling emotionally connected to someone, maybe it can start to banish the fear that comes from uncertainty about what hurt they might feel in the future and again reassess the balance of scales and decide that it’s actually worth the risk to let oneself be open again.

  Now don’t get me wrong. That doesn’t mean you should go a crusade and go around pestering every person who seems emotionally withdrawn to you every day in an attempt to get them to open up. You’ll likely drive those people insane and cause them to hate and despise you and inevitably withdraw even more. Even just pushing too hard can definitely cause someone to choose to withdraw more. But I’m saying some basic understanding and patience can go a long way. Regular meaningful communication can take you even further. Not jumping to conclusions and not judging and condemning people who are just trying to protect themselves from hurt they might not know how to deal with is how you start. Not playing games with people to try and manipulate them in order to force a reaction that would gratify only you is the second.

  And from there? Who knows. Dealing with the oh so fragile human psyche is like walking along a tiny fragile razorblade thin tightrope through a gigantic labryinth of corridors. You’re trying not to fall, trying not to accidentally break the rope, and trying to find your way to the end of the maze all at one time. It can take a life time to figure out how to navigate that maze well.

  And maybe that’s the reason why so many people find it so much easier to just opt out from the whole game and withdraw completely. Though if they do, I suspect they’ve lost site of the great rewards that lie at the end of the maze or they’ve never seen them in the first place.

  • 7:53 am
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