September 21, 2010

• The bad economy is my fault!

  We all know and have known for a long time that consumer spending spurs economic growth. Without consumer spending, businesses don’t make enough money to invest in growth or hire new employees. And without that growth the unemployment rate increases and people who have no job have no money to spend so there’s even less consumer spending and even less economic growth! It’s a vicious cycle.

  And today I just had an epiphany. This is all my fault!  Why?  Because I HAVE a job but guess what? I’m not spending crap! Seriously. I’ve gotta be one of the very WORST culprits in this entire nation. Let me tell you how bad a citizen I am.

  A month ago, I dropped my iphone. The screen got a nice giant crack on it.  Now a good citizen would just suck it up and buy a new replacement iphone. It’s only $200! Or heck buy a new shiny iphone4 for like $600! Or barring that, I should AT LEAST buy a new phone of some kind. Android? Blackberry? Even a cheapass no-name phone. But no. My iphone still works so I’ve kept it and I just deal with the annoying cracked screen. What’s more I’ve canceled most of the plan features on the phones on my family plan that I share with a couple of friends to save money. And I’m very likely to switch to a different carrier with cheaper service in the near future! If it weren’t for the stupid termination fee I would have already done it. And since I know I’m going to switch to new plan I’ve likewise stopped buying anything on the app and itunes stores and Kindle stores. If I were a GOOD consummer I’d not only stick to it and buy all the popular apps, I’d also buy an iPad to to further use those apps.

  A month and a half ago similarly my xbox stopped worked. It just randomly freezes. Now for years I’ve been dutifully chucking out my hard earned cashed to build up a library of something like 34 games and three controllers. Now any TRUE citizen would immediately run out to BestBuy and chuck out $350 for a new fancy pants slim xbox with its shiny finish and built in Wifi and massive hard drive. Right? It’s out of warranty so that’s the only proper thing to do! In FACT I should pick up a few games while I’m there, like the much acclaimed Halo REACH.  I should also re-sign up for Xbox LIVE Gold a service I canceled years ago. Alternatively I could skip BestBuy and order it all through Amazon and get an expensive Amazon Prime subscription to expedite the shipping.

  But what have I done?  Not a damn thing. I just stopped playing xbox. The games sit unused on my shelf.  I’m contemplating selling my game library and just saving the money. If I can get somebody to buy a really old broken xbox, I’ll sell that too.  And even though I’ve wanted a PS3 since the dang system came out, I won’t shell out the money to buy that either! Aren’t I TERRIBLE!?!?

  But here’s my truly ultimate sin. My car. Now back in the old days when I was a good old “responsible” citizen I did buy a fancy NEW car (though I probably shouldn’t have) and paid it off in like 2 years.  But 3 years ago, I dented up the side of the car. And guess what?  I haven’t fixed it! It works just fine. The dent aint hurting anyone.

  What’s more, my car could probably use new wiper blades and the air conditioning fan just stopped working at the height of the summer. What did I do? I just rolled down the windows! I’m sure my car has a dozen other little issues too that need looking at. But right now it drives fine. So I haven’t bothered with it.

  Now if I was a REAL AMERICAN I’d take that car right to the shop RIGHT NOW and pay whatever exorbitant price they charge to get every tiny problem fixed. Then I’d get it detailed and a nice car wash until it shined! Or better yet, I’d sell this bad boy and buy a nice over priced made in American Plug in Hybrid even though I have no place to plug it in and would have to run it on gas. And then I’d drive that shiny new car randomly around the city showing it off and wasting gas and likely accruing speeding tickets so I can help support the police department.

  That’s not all of course. When my PC got fried in an electrical storm I never bought another one. My printer was sitting inkless for months until my roommate demanded I order new ink since she needed it for her classes. My television I’ve had for 5 or 6 years, doesn’t even have 1080P resolution and has a problem where every once in a while it just randomly won’t turn on for a couple of hours. Still haven’t bought another one.  I get almost all my books from the library. I canceled my Netflix account ages ago. I called DirectTV and Comcast and haggled with them until they gave me large discounts in order to keep me as a customer. If they hadn’t, I probably wouldn’t have any TV service now. I don’t own a land line. I don’t own a couch. Bean bags work. I don’t even own a bed. It’s just a mattress on the floor. (I do own a lot of bookshelves, but they are the cheapest I could find) And I constantly try to save electricity by turning out the lights and running the air conditioning less. All my light bulbs are CFL too. I’ve also put off going to the doctor for any reason for years.  I’d rather just deal with allergies, psoriasis, depression, etc. etc. then spend a dime treating these concerns.

  Really the only major consumer purchase I’ve made in the last year is a new laptop because my old one broke, and without internet I feel as if a part of my soul is missing. Even that was painful. I bought the cheapest I could find on short notice.  And nowadays I’m thinking do I really need both a phone with internet AND a laptop? Really? hmmm….

  You might wonder then what the heck I am doing with all that money I’m saving? Well for one thing it sounds like a lot but it really doesn’t add up to that much. At least it doesn’t seem like a lot to me. But the answer is, I’ve been paying down all my debt (of which I have way too much). Everything I owe to anyone for whatever reason has been getting paid back. Also I’ve been helping friends deal with THEIR debt. And the rest is going into an emergency fund and into saving for my retirement. Eventually I’ll also buy life insurance, just in case.  Of course all of those things are things economists say have the LEAST beneficial effects on the economy.  Also of course I spend money on food. So at least I’m a proper consumer in at least that area. These days I eat pretty well. My days of experimental bread and water diets are behind me.

  So as you can see the verdict is clear. I AM GUILTY. The recession is wholly and totally my fault.

  So whenever you are feeling bad about your economic state, forget about blaming wall street and the politicians. Instead just think about people like that stingy bastard Kellen who created this economic disaster! And feel free to send all your hate my way.

  

  • 9:50 pm
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