September 26, 2007

  • Heroes Parody

    Bennet: “Ok everybody. It’s come to my attention that Peter Petrelli
    is going to go nuclear and blow up half of New York. But I think that
    given all our resources we can come come up with a game plan to limit
    the likelihood of such an outcome. That’s why I’ve brought you all
    together.”

    Niki: “Wait a minute how do we know he’s going to blow up?”

    Hiro: “I can travel through time and I found about this by visiting the
    future. Also a future version of me came back and told us. By the way,
    check out my kick ass sword.”

    Ando: “Yes yes we’ve all seen your little sword.”

    Hiro: “Isn’t it awesome. I’m going to stab Sylar with it. Yes, I’m that much of a badass.”

    Parkman: “Yeah right. Do you even know how to use that thing?”

    Hiro: “No. But I’m sure my father will be able to teach me how to be an expert swordsman in a single day.”

    Parkman: “I think you better let me handle Sylar.”

    Niki: “Oh right and I’m sure your gun will be soo much more effective against his super powers.”

    Bennet: “ENOUGH!”

    Micah: <whispers> “I think your sword looks cool.”

    Bennet: “Anyway, as I was saying. Since we have intimate knowledge of
    the future thanks to Hiro’s and Peter’s powers that should give us a
    leg up against Sylar. So the only real problem is Peter’s impending
    explosion.”

    D.L.: “What does he mean Peter’s powers?”

    Ando: “There was this guy who could paint the future. He got all
    depressed after he shot his girlfriend and so he let Sylar cut his head
    open. Peter absorbed his powers.”

    D.L.: “Bad way to go.”

    Ando: “I can think of worse. Like maybe having a fist materialized in the middle of your head.”

    Niki: “That’s disgusting.”

    D.L.: “hmmmmm”

    Parkman: “Woah. I’m reading Peter’s and Hiro’s minds right now and the future is pretty f-ed up.”

    Peter: “Yeah isn’t it? I get a scar. I can regenerate and for some reason in the future I have a scar right on face. wtf.”

    Parkman: “Forget about that. I turn like totally evil.”

    Hiro: “The future’s not so bad to me. I end up a total badass swordsman.”

    Ando: “It’s true. Future Hiro’s pretty badass.”

    Peter: “Yeah. He definitely is. But I’m pretty badass myself in the future.”

    Mohinder: “Unfortunately, that is the very source of our problem.”

    Nathan: “What about me do I end up evil?”

    Parkman: “Nah. Sylar just steals your job.”

    Nathan: “Crap.”

    Bennet: “Don’t worry. We’re going to stop all that from happening all we need to do is—”

    Parkman: “Holy Christ I kill you!”

    Bennet: “WHAT!”

    Claire: “There’s no way I’m letting you kill my dad!”

    Peter: “Sorry, but uh, Sylar kills you.”

    Claire: “Oh Shit.”

    Bennet: “Ok. Ok. Everybody calm down. I told you this future isn’t
    going to happen. All we have to do is stop Peter from exploding. Now
    let’s start brain storming here. We’ve  got a lot of tools at our
    disposal let’s just come up with a few plans and be ready to implement
    them.”

    Molly: “I know I’m just a little kid and all and I just got introduced to the show but can I say something.”

    Bennet: “Of course. We’re all working together here.”

    Molly: “Well I was just thinking that since we already said that Hiro
    could travel through time and teleport, isn’t the solution to the whole
    Peter problem pretty clear?”

    Bennet: “You’re right. Of course.  It’s so obvious what we have to do. Claire. You shoot him in the head.”

    Claire: “Excuse me?”

    Peter: “Actually, that’s exactly what I was thinking. It’s the perfect plan.”

    Mohinder: “It sounds like a most excellent suggestion to me.”

    Claire: “Wait a minute? Why me? Why not Parkman or Hiro or you dad?”

    Bennet: “Sweety of course I’d do it, but your father is going to be
    busy helping Parkman and Hiro fight Sylar. You know these two aren’t
    nearly bright enough to be able to do it on their own.”

    Claire: “Well that’s true.”

    Hiro and Parkman: “Hey!”

    Peter: “And besides, if I get too radioactive you’re the only one who could get close enough to me.”

    Claire: “Hello? Last time I checked guns were a long range weapon.”

    Bennet: “You’re the only one who can do this. You have to hit him in
    that exact spot in the back of his head where you temporarily die if
    something is lodged in there.”

    Molly: <under her breath> “Lodged? Would the bullet lodge?”

    Claire: “But… But… I just can’t do it!”

    Niki: “How about you Nathan? Why don’t you shoot your brother?”

    Nathan: “I… I just can’t do it!”

    Niki: “Oh please you were willing to let your brother explode, but you can’t shoot him in the back of the head?”

    Nathan: “That’s different. He’ll probably just regenerate if he explodes.”

    Molly to Micah: “Is there something I’m not understanding here? He
    regenerates if he *explodes* but not if he gets shot in the back of the
    head?”

    Micah to Molly: “I’ve learned to not ask questions. “

    Molly to Micah: “But I mean wouldn’t that part of his brain that stops
    regeneration when damaged be blown into itsy bitsy pieces or
    disintegrated or something. We are talking about a *nuclear* explosion
    here aren’t we?”

    Micah to Molly: “Trust me. Just drop it ok.”

    Bennet: “Right then. I think we’re making progress now. Plan A. Either
    Claire, Nathan, or I if I can get a free moment will shoot Peter in the
    back of the head.”

    Nathan: “Couldn’t we just stab him back there? We know that if we stab
    him all we have to do is take out whatever we stab him with and he’ll
    regenerate right? I’m pretty sure I pulled that piece a glass out and
    he regenerated just fine.”

    Bennet: “Listen. Whose making the rules around here? Just shut up and listen.”

    Nathan: “Right. Sorry.”

    Bennet: “As I was saying we need a few back up plans in case that one doesn’t work out too well. Suggestions?”

    Niki: “I know! Why don’t I just knock him out with my super strength?”

    Bennet: “Now you’re talking. That’s a good backup. There’s a chance he
    might explode anyway so I’d rather leave that one as a last resort. But
    good thinking.”

    Parkman: “If you’re super strong why don’t you take him and throw him way far away so he can’t hurt anyone.”

    Niki: “That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard.”

    Micah: “No it’s not Mom. The Hulk could do it. So could superman.”

    Niki: “Sorry honey, your mother’s just not that super strong. Instead
    of real super strength I get to talk to my dead sister in the mirror.”

    Parkman: <sarcastically> “Good deal.”

    Niki: “Shut up Parkman. It’s not like your mind reading is all that great either.”

    Nathan: “Hey at least neither of you get lame ass flight as your power.”

    Micah: “What are you talking about flight totally kicks ass as a power.”

    Niki: “Micah! Watch your language!”

    Micah: “Well it does.”

    Molly: “I don’t think it’s all that great. Arc Angel was kind of lame.”

    Micah: “That’s true. But it depends on the kind of flight. If it’s
    superman flight, mixed with super speed it’s incredibly awesome.”

    Hiro: “I saw flying man fly. He flies super fast just like super man. Sugoi!”

    Molly: “But superman has invulnerability with his flight. That’s what
    makes it so good. He can fly through space and land easily. Without the
    invulnerability you’re just likely to get yourself killed.”

    Hiro: “Flying man burned his feet when he landed.”

    Molly: “See, he’s not invulnerable. So he’s right. His power sucks.”

    Nathan: “Gee thanks.”

    Micah: “It’s not that bad. He could at least fly Peter far away somewhere so he doesn’t blow up the city.”

    Bennet: “You are one bright little boy! That’s exactly the kind of
    contingency plan I was looking for. Nathan if for some reason you can’t
    shoot him fly him far away so he can’t blow up the city.”

    Nathan: “Wait a minute. Won’t I get blown up too if I do that?”

    Bennet: “Well yeah probably.”

    Molly: “You wouldn’t if you were invulnerable.”

    Micah: <glares at Molly> “Don’t worry if you’re super fast like
    superman, you can just fly far enough away and then drop him somewhere
    and fly far away. Then you can live out the rest of your life as a
    drunken bum regretting your past actions.”

    Nathan: “Sweat.”

    Bennet: “Great. Now we’re making real progress. We’ve got the shoot
    Peter plan, the stab Peter plan, the knock out Peter plan, the pick up
    and throw Peter plan, and the fly to enormously high heights and drop
    Peter plan. Do you think we need a few more contingencies.”

    Peter: “These plans are making me a little uncomfortable. They all seem to involve my bodily injury.”

    Bennet: “Hey do you want to save the world or not?”

    Peter: “Yeah yeah I guess. That’s the point of my whole character.”

    Bennet: “Good then. Just be happy you met my daughter when you did and absorbed her power or else you’d be really screwed.”

    Claude: “You know if you’d just listened to my lessons and learned to control your powers you wouldn’t be in this mess.”

    Parkman: “Hey, where the hell did you come from?”

    Claude: “Quite the telepath you are, aren’t you? Can’t even tell how
    many people are present. I’ve been here the whole time of course.”

    Bennet: “Don’t mind him, he’s always been kind of a jerk. He was invisible.”

    Claude: “Actually in listening to your little get together I noticed
    one members talents you haven’t yet tried to employ to stop the ticking
    Peter time bomb.”

    Bennet: “Oh yeah and who might that be.”

    Claude: “My phasing black friend over there, who if I understand it
    will have the honor of killing the rich white guy later on in the
    season.”

    D.L.: “Are you talking about me? What could I do?”

    Bennet: “Of course! Why didn’t I think of that. He can grab Peter and
    phase the two of them out just before he explodes then the explosion
    will occur out of phase harming no one! It’s brilliant.”

    Claude: “Of course it is.”

    Niki: “Wait a minute what will happen to D.L.?”

    Bennet: “Oh he’ll be out of phase too so he’ll die of course. Still I think we can all see it’s worth it.”

    Claude: “Yes. Yes. Aceptable losses and all that.”

    D.L.: “Like hell I’m doing that.”

    Niki: “Yeah, like hell he’s doing that.”

    D.L.: “Instead I’ll just take Niki and Micah and phase us out until the explosion ends and we all live.”

    Claude: “Brilliant. And you’ll phase in just in time to die from radioactive poisoning…”

    Hiro: “Mr. D.L. Listen to me. We were given these powers for a reason.
    We must become heroes! The fate of the world depends upon us!”

    Micah: “Yeah Dad, be a hero!”

    D.L.: “This isn’t one of your comic books son.”

    Micah: “Come on Dad. Pleeeeaaassse.”

    D.L.: “Ok. Ok. I’ll do it, but only if all the other plans fail.”

    Micah: “You’re the best dad.”

    Bennet: “Ok, now let’s talk about contingencies in case the city can’t
    be saved or we screw up.  Micah I’d like you to use your technology
    interfacing ability to put out evacuation orders on all the major
    television and radio stations.”

    Micah: “Piece a cake.”

    Bennet: “And Nathan, you can use your political clout to go on
    television and help convince people of their need to get out of town.”

    Nathan: “If the bomb doesn’t go off, this will kill my political career but sure I’ll do it.

    Bennet: “And Molly if you can help us locate other people with powers
    whose help we might be able to recruit in evacuating the city, stopping
    Sylar, or containing Peter, that’d be great.  If you could find the
    Haitian that’d be great. He’d solve all our problems instantly.”

    Molly: “I’ll do my best.”

    Bennet:  “And Parkman…”

    Parkman: “Yes sir. Right here sir. Ready to serve.”

    Bennet: “Just try to stay out of the way ok. Otherwise you’re liable to
    get shot 4 times in the chest. Your power really is pretty useless in
    situations like this.”

    Parkman: “Oh. Ok.”

    Bennet: “Great! Now I think we’ve covered everything. Is there anything
    else? Anything at all? Any other possible way to stop the city of New
    York from getting blown up or to save lives in the event of a
    catastrophe that anybody can think of? Anybody with energy
    manipulation, weather control, super speed, power containment, freezing
    ability anything like that that might help?”

    Molly: “ummm….”

    Bennet: “Yes, what is it Molly?”

    Molly: “Well, what I was getting at before was, well, I mean couldn’t
    Hiro just teleport Peter somewhere and teleport right back?”

    <stunned silence>

    Mohinder: “Molly you are brilliant.”

    Molly: “I know.”

    Hiro: “But I have to stab Sylar.”

    Bennet: “No it’s perfect. Right after you stab Sylar you teleport Peter away. It should only take you less than a second.”

    Hiro: “But, But, what if Sylar blasts me back into a building with his
    last once of strength and I am forced to teleport back to 17th century
    Japan in order to survive.”

    Ando: “Hiro….  Is there something you’re not telling us?”

    Hiro: “No. Nothing. I’m just hypothesizing.” <under his breathe> “Although I really would love to meet my hero Kensei”

    Bennet: “I’ll tell you what. If that happens, don’t worry about it.
    We’ve got enough other contingency plans that we should be able to work
    something out.”

    Hiro: “Yatta!”

    Ando <under his breathe> “Even if that happened, couldn’t he just teleport right back?”

    Bennet: “Ok, then if there’s nothing else–”

    Mohinder: “One moment if you don’t mind.  Might I interject something. Hiro how exactly does your powers work?”

    Hiro: “Well I can manipulate time and space. I can travel to any time period at will and do pretty much whatever I feel like.”

    Mohinder: “Then, if that’s the case,  Couldn’t you in fact, even if we
    fail to stop the bomb, teleport back in time to before the bomb went
    off and fix any problems that prevented us from stopping Peter from
    exploding? Couldn’t you even teleport to the time just before Peter
    meets Ted and prevent them from ever meeting? Isn’t it even possible
    that you just travel back to before Sylar had any powers and kill him
    them? Couldn’t you even travel to the far future and bring back a cure
    to the mutant plague and take it way back to my childhood and save my
    sister from it? You could conceivably even travel to the future and
    grab a future Peter Petrelli who knows how to control his powers and
    bring him back to teach this Peter Petrelli how to deal with nuclear
    powers. The possibilities are endless!”

    Bennet: “That’s why you’re the resident genius! This is great! We
    hardly have to do anything. Hiro can take down the company, stop
    Linderman, defeat Sylar, stop the plague all through using his time
    shifting ability. It’s brilliant!”

    Molly to Micah: “I was really kinda thinking this the whole time…”

    Micah to Molly: “It really is kind of obvious isn’t it?”

    Claude: “Sounds like a nice setup to me.”

    Parkman: “It’s great. Incredible that you were able to come up with it. Good job Mohinder.”

    Nathan: “You are the man. Anything that gets me out of having to fly sounds like a good plan to me.”

    D.L.: “And I’m happy I don’t have to get blown up.”

    Ando: “Yes! I won’t have to die!”

    Niki: “And Micah, D.L., and I can finally live together in peace.”

    Claire: “Alright let’s do this!”

    Hiro: “NOOO!!!!!”

    Bennet: “What is it? What’s the problem.”

    Hiro: “I cannot do what you are asking of me. It would disrupt the
    space time continuum, destabilize history. Who knows what the
    consequences will be if I were to do such thing. They could be
    horrendous. “

    Parkman: “Oh, come on how bad could it be?”

    Ando: “And if anything goes wrong you can surely just travel back and fix it again. Right?”

    Mohinder: “Think of all the people you could save. My father. My sister. Your waitress girlfriend. Simone. Isaac. Ted. The list goes on and on…”
     
    Hiro: “What you are asking for is dishonorable. It is not what a hero would choose. I refuse.”

    Claude: <laughing hysterically>  “This is quite the misfit group
    you’ve gathererd here Bennet. I think this is the first time I’ve
    encountered someone unwilling to use his powers because they make him
    too powerful. What a joke. Honestly, I think I’m just going to skip
    town right now. Better than relying on you guys to save the day.”

    Bennet: “Shut up Claude. And go away. “

    Claude: “Gladly.” <disappears>

    Bennet: “It’s ok everybody. Remember we didn’t come all the way out
    here and plan all this out for nothing. Hiro. I don’t suppose there’s
    anything we can do to change your mind?”

    Hiro: “You cannot.”

    Bennet: “Not even a shiny new sword?”

    Hiro: “soooo… tempting….  No. I cannot. I must be a true hero otherwise I don’t deserve to be in this show.”

    Bennet: “Alright. Fine. We still have all of our other plans and
    contingencies. But just remember, Hiro if this doesn’t work. If somehow
    despite it all we still fail. You, Hiro, will be the only one with the
    power to go back and undo it. You will be our only hope. That is a
    great responsibility that only you will bear.”

    Peter: “Actually…. I can kinda do it too.”

    Bennet: “Shut up Peter.”

    Hiro: “I understand.”

    Bennet: “Ok now everybody knows what they’ve got to do. Let’s get
    cracking people. It’s time we proved that we have what it takes to be
    heroes!”

    The End.

    Authors note:  I saw the Heroes season 2 premiere the other day and that brought up memories of how silly so many aspects of this show really were especially at the end of season 1. I like the show a lot but so much of it makes so little sense. It’s just really cheesy at times. Anyway, I thought up this little parody. I hope it amused any other heroes fans out there who feel similarly to the way that I do.

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