April 22, 2008

  • How do you get over someone who doesn’t love you back?

    And what exactly does their loving you back have to do with your love for them?

    Just continue to exercise your love for them. You can do it by talking with the person if they’ll let you, by spending time with the person, if they’ll let you, or by helping the person or being there for that person if they’ll let you. And if not, you can still exercise your love for them, by thinking about them, by remembering them, by honoring them in your mind and learning from the things they have taught you. Heck, if you want, you can blog about them (but please don’t mention their name without permission) or write poetry in their honor.  Or whatever.

    I’m not saying pester the person until they acknowledge you. That will surely lead to their hatred of you. I’m just saying don’t feel as if your love is something wrong to act upon just because it isn’t returned.

    Absolutely anything you do out of a sense of respect and devotion for a person can be an act of love. That could even mean walking away or leaving them alone, giving them space or even ignoring them, if that’s what they need from you. It could mean pretending not to care when they are around. It could mean anything. Just do it. Whatever you feel you need to. Just don’t make yourself stop loving them because of these things.

    So just go ahead and do these things. Honestly, you probably won’t really be able to stop yourself anyway, so don’t even try. If you try to suppress your love, get rid of it, or ignore it, you will quickly find yourself miserable and unhappy. It might seem like that’s the best way to “move on” but I don’t think so. It may work, eventually, but it’s a hard path to tread.

    Instead, I’d say don’t prerequisite your love on the expectation that it be returned in equal measure. So just keep feeling what you’re feeling and don’t be ashamed of it. And take pleasure in your acts of love for someone. Take heart and be happy that you had the opportunity to feel love for someone. There can be a kind of honor in that.

    And it may be that one day that person’s feelings toward you will change in the ways that you want them to change.

    And they might not.

    Or it may be that one day that person will feel something for you, if not exactly love, or the same kind of love that you want them to feel, then at least a kind of meaningful affection that you can be proud of and that you can take pleasure in.

    Or they might not.

    But in any case even as you exercise your love for that person, be careful not to close yourself off in the process. Keep your mind open and your heart open and who knows maybe some day you’ll find someone whom you will love and who will love you in the way that you want to be loved. Don’t let your feelings for one person close yourself to the possibilities. I believe the human heart is very much capable of developing feelings for any number of people at the same time if you let it. Each love will be different, but no less significant.

    And yet again…. you also might not.

    You might not find such a person. No matter how hard you look. That person just might not exist for you.

    I think this is important too. I’m not going to give you that fairy tale bullshit that everybody else spouts regularly. Life doesn’t give you any guarantee that there will be someone out there for you. You might never find anyone who loves you in the way you want to be loved. It might just not ever happen. The reality is all so very disgustingly darwinian. Certain character traits are selected over others. Some lines die out.  It’s the natural order of things. Even if we had a perfect selection and pairing mechanism, it’s still not hard at all to prove that some people will logically have to be left out. It might be you. It could very easily be you.

    So that’s why it’s important to not have such high expectations. Don’t demand to be loved in return and don’t withhold your love just because you are waiting for someone who will love you back. Just feel what you feel and try to find whatever joy you can in this oh so brief life wherever you can find it.

    Just live your life.

    In this as with all things, that’s how you move on.

    I just answered this Featured Question, you can answer it too!

Comments (10)

  • let zem eet cake~

  • How do you get over someone who doesn’t love you back?

    I’m looking for the answer to that question in the bottom of a bottle!

    /Just kidding.

  • “Just feel what you feel and try to find whatever joy you can in this oh so brief life wherever you can find it.” …. you know, that’s what I’ve been doing, but it doesn’t lessen the hurt after a relationship fails or when a heart remains broken.

  • this post actually helps with what im going through now.  thanks. 

  • @rianahntr - I know.

    @MuseErato - I’m glad it helped you. It helped me to write it.

    @Dewdropsonthegrass - That’s plan B.

  • Great Post! Thanks for sharing!!

    Poetry Contest

  • this entry really speaks to me, since i’m going through something like this now. thanks, it’s made me feel a little bit better about life.

  • @poetryfanatic -

    Thanks. I’m glad you liked it.

    @angrylilgurl - 

    Thanks. I hope it helps.

  • That was so refreshing to read. I went through the end of a very long relationshi and we broke up because she just said she didnt love me anymore. Months later i still have this immense amount of love that i wrestle with everyday and its hurtful and exhausting. But to embrace that. Well, it just makes sense.

  • @miami - I’m glad it meant something to you.  Yeah I’ve never felt it was a good idea to try and deny our thoughts and feeling and I’ve experienced all too often the pain of trying to do that.

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